Page 27 of Born into Darkness

“Sladkaya,” I say, dropping my bag and pulling her into my arms as soon as she’s close enough. Her small body sinks into mine, and I hate how much weight she’s lost. “Baby, have you eaten anything today?”

Instead of answering, she whispers, “Have you?”

I kiss her head and tighten my hold on her. “That’s not an answer and you know it.”

She knows me well enough to know I’m not going to let this go, so she huffs out a breath and finally shakes her head no.

“Unacceptable,” I whisper against her skin and before she can argue, I pick her up, cradling her body against mine as I carry her into the kitchen and put her ass on the counter.

“I’m not hungry,” she starts to argue, but I just put a finger over her beautiful mouth and say, “Neither am I, but we’re both going to force ourselves to eat because Max would want us to.”

At the mention of our son’s name, the tears that have been threatening to fall spill over and run down her cheeks. I cup her face and step between her thighs, resting my forehead on hers. “I’m getting him back,” I promise her. “We’re leaving tomorrow, and I’m going to get our son. I promise I’ll bring him home to you.”

“I know you will.” Her words are nothing but a shaky whisper against my lips, but I hear the truth in them. I failed to keep our son safe, but she’s never once blamed me, and even now, I hear the faith she has in me.

“I don’t deserve you,” I whisper back. “I never have, but especially not now.”

Her blue eyes find mine as she brings her hands up to cup my face, running her thumbs through the light beard I’ve grown because I haven’t taken the time to shave. “This is not your fault,” she tells me like she has every day since our son was taken. “I won’t let you carry this burden, Danechka.”

Despite everything, the corner of my mouth still lifts up when she uses the Russian diminutive for my name. She’s the only one to ever call me that, and I love the intimacy of it. From the first moment I saw this woman, she’s owned every part of me. She was terrified, the victim of sex traffickers and about to be sold to the highest bidder, and I knew I’d pay anything and do anything to protect her. There was no way I was going to walk out of that building without her by my side, so I did the only thing I could do. I bought her, fell absolutely in love with her, and told her I couldn’t live without her. We’ve been together ever since, and I can’t imagine my life without her.

I close my eyes and lean into her touch, allowing myself this moment of comfort, even though I know I don’t deserve it. She’s the only person on earth who could make me feel a second of peace right now, and I’m not surprised to feel a calmness wash over me at her touch. I feel like a jackass taking comfort from her when she’s hurting so badly herself, but, fuck, I’m desperate for it, for just a few precious seconds of not feeling like my heart is being ripped from my chest.

“You are the only thing that’s keeping me together,” I tell her. Placing my hand on top of hers, I keep her palm against my cheek before kissing it.

She cups the back of my head with her other hand and pulls me closer, resting her head against my shoulder. “We’re going to get through this,” she whispers. “Our family is strong, Danechka, and we’re not going to let anyone break us.”

“We’re not,” I agree, squeezing her tighter against me. “We’re getting our son back, and then we’re locking the two of them up in here with us and we’re never letting them out of our sight.”

She lets out a small huff of air, part laugh, part exhalation, and says, “They might not be onboard with that, but I think it sounds like a solid plan.”

Before I force myself to pull away so I can make her something to eat, I hold her for a few more seconds, breathing her in and feeling the steady beat of her heart against my chest.

“I’m going to make us some food,sladkaya, and you’re going to eat every bite of it, okay?”

She looks up at me and says, “Only if you do the same.”

If things were different, I’d be hauling her cute ass into our soundproofed room, strapping her to her piano and giving her ass a good smack for her sassy mouth and refusal to eat, but neither one of us has the heart for it right now. This is the longest we’ve ever gone without sex, and the separation is taking its toll on both of us, but we both feel too guilty to do anything about it. I want to lose myself inside her, but how can I allow myself such pleasure when I know what my son is going through right at this very moment? It’s impossible, and I know she feels the same way, even if she doesn’t have all the information I have.

Lightly pinching her chin between my thumb and forefinger, I kiss her and whisper against her lips, “You and I have a lot to make up for as soon as we get Max back.”

“We do,” she agrees. “I’m sorry I haven’t been able to?—”

I cut her off with another quick kiss. “Don’t you dare finish that sentence. Our hearts are breaking and we’re both worried sick. The only thing that I wouldn’t be able to tolerate is you pulling away from me. I miss being inside you, I miss the connection, but neither one of us is in the right headspace for that.”

“I can’t stop thinking about what might be happening to him,” she whispers on a shaky breath.

“I know, but Val said he was doing okay. Focus on that. Try not to let your imagination torment you.”

She nods and closes her eyes when I cup her face and kiss her forehead.

“Okay, baby, time to eat, and then we can get some sleep. Tomorrow can’t come soon enough.”

She gives me a small smile, and I can see the war going on behind her eyes. She’s terrified and hopeful about what tomorrow will bring, but also scared to death that something might go wrong. I’d give anything to take this from her, but the only thing I can do is try to make it right again and give her back her firstborn son. Every worry she has about tomorrow is one that I’ve already thought of a million times over. I’m leaving in less than twenty-four hours, and I’m either coming back with our son, or I’m not coming back at all. Knowing our time might be very limited, I blink back the tears that want to fall and kiss her head once more before forcing myself to turn away and put my focus on getting her a meal. I need to busy myself with something, or I’ll lose the last small grip on sanity that I have.

Opening the fridge, I spot the casserole that Emily brought over this morning. My sisters-in-law have been taking turns dropping us off meals, and I’m not sure what we’d do without them. We’re all feeling the loss of Max. There’s a giant hole in this family without him, and there’s no ignoring it, no healing from it, and no getting past it. This family doesn’t work when one of us is missing.

Simona busies herself with making a salad, too antsy and nervous to just sit still. She tells me about how Niki came home earlier and she forced him to eat and then go to bed. He’s been out for hours, and we’re both hoping he’ll sleep through the night. We’re both worried about the weight he’s lost and the constant dark circles under his eyes. Our youngest is fading away before our eyes and nothing but the return of his older brother is going to make it better.

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