Page 52 of Sunshine

It’s okay to be mad at him, just like it’s okay to still love him.

She nods, and I wonder if she can sense where my thoughts have turned because she asks, “Have you seen Wells?”

I force a small laugh, void of emotion. “Yeah.”

“How is he?”

I shrug. “He’s . . . he’s dealing with a lot, too.” It’s not myplace to bring up any of his issues with Jason or the fight they had right before Jason died. But it’s another reminder of how much shit he has to navigate on his side of it all.

Regan shakes her head. “I honestly don’t know how you’re even here with me right now.”

“I spent a week and a half crying alone in the dark,” I admit. “At some point, the distraction of getting out felt more achievable than sobbing through another day.”

She clicks her tongue. “You poor thing.”

I think in the end it’s the pity in her eyes that gets me, and I have to excuse myself from my half-eaten muffin and our attempt at this casual hangout. “Annie’s home alone,” I lie, “and I really should be getting back.”

I stand abruptly, and Regan awkwardly follows suit. “Okay.” She nods. “Sure, whatever you need.” She reaches to hug me again, and when her arms squeeze tighter around me a tear spills out from the corner of my eye. “I’ll be home for a couple of weeks—let’s see each other again before we go back to school, okay?”

“Sure,” I mumble into the shoulder of her brown jacket, and then I pull myself away and hurry out of the bakery without another look.

On Friday, Mom and Barry head into Houston for some Christmas shopping and Annie and I decide to go to June’s Cafe for a late lunch before they get home. I can tell Annie is going stir-crazy with school being out. She texts with her friends all day long but says she’s not interested in seeing them. I think she doesn’t want me to feel abandoned, and I love her for it, but she deserves to enjoy her break. I silently hope that, by going out into town, she might run into some of them.

It’s only a twenty-minute walk. The warm winter sun getslost behind incoming clouds along the way, and a cold breeze begins to whip between us. We duck inside the warm café, where the smell of fresh biscuits and June’s special pot roast wraps around us. June’s daughter, Olivia, greets us at the front podium and brings us to a table by the window.

“Hope this is okay,” she says, and sets down two menus. I notice the worry in her expression as she looks at me, so I give her my best attempt at a smile.

“It’s perfect,” I answer as I sit in one of the old wooden chairs. “Thanks, Olivia.”

“Anytime.” She turns to walk away, but something stops her. “You know,” she says carefully. “I just want to say I’m real sorry for everything you’re going through, Layla. You and Jason’s family have been in my heart since I heard the news, and my mom prays for you every night.”

Annie looks back and forth between us, nervous that I might be triggered into another breakdown. But right now, I feel . . . okay. “I appreciate that, thank you.”

Her mouth tips up in a bleak smile before she scuttles back to the podium. Olivia is a couple of years older than me and graduated in Jason’s class, so she knew him well enough—though I wouldn’t say she wasfriendswith anyone in our circle. She was much more studious and focused than any of us were.

“You okay?” Annie asks over the top of her menu.

“Yeah,” I say quickly, brushing it off. “She’s just being kind.”

Annie looks up at me, considering. “Jason really messed up when he cheated on you.”

I can only stare at her, taken aback by the bluntness of her statement. “Yeah,” I finally manage. “He did.”

“Is it hard to pretend like you miss him?” She sounds genuinely curious.

“Idomiss him, Annie,” I insist. “Just because he was cheating on me doesn’t mean that the love I felt for him disappeared.”

She hums and looks back at her menu.

I fold my hands on the table. It’s important she understands. Foranyoneto understand it, really, besides Wells. “Look, under normal circumstances, finding out someone you love is hurting you like that would be unbearable. It takes a lot of time and healing to come to terms with the fact that the relationship isn’t what you thought it was. But in this case . . .” I look around before my gaze settles back on Annie. “Jay’s dead. He’s not here for me to yell at or to help me understand how any of this happened. And that’s pretty shitty, too. Because I’m stuck in this place of loving him and grieving him but I’m also so goddamnfuriousat him. It’s not that I’m pretending. I just don’t know how to deal with such an impossible situation.

“And it’s no secret that everyone in this town loved him. He was important to people . . . but he was also flawed. I guess sometimes people don’t understand that.”

Annie’s blue eyes grow sharp. “You could make them understand.”

I give her a sad smile. “I’m not sure that’d help anything. He’s not here to defend himself. And even if he did make mistakes . . . were they bad enough to try to ruin the image everyone has of him?”

She shrugs. “Honestly, I think you’re making yourself responsible for other people’s feelings. I know he’s not here to defend himself, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t wreck you. Who cares about everyone else—if you want to throw atantrum, do it. The only feelings you should care about are your own.”

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