But our children will have that. I'm sure of it.
"Are you scared to be a parent?" I finally ask.
It's a question that I've wondered for myself. With each passing day, I can't help but feel anxiety at just how little I know and how much there is still left to learn.
Even as I can't wait to meet my children.
It's maddening.
He's silent for a long moment. Finally, he exhales slowly.
"I'm scared that they'll grow up to fear me. That they'll see me only as the pakhan, not their father." His voice drops so low I have to strain to hear him. "Because if they do, then I'll become what I despise the most in the world."
"You won't," I say fiercely. "You're not your father or Lev."
"How can you be so sure?"
I rise to my tiptoes, pressing my lips to his. "Because you care enough to fear it."
"Do you feel the same way?" Ruslan asks. "Scared, I mean."
I stare down at the simmering stroganoff. The rich aroma surrounds us, but my mind drifts to a kitchen from long ago. In my mind, I'm watching Mom stand over the stove as I sit at our worn kitchen table, complaining about homework.
I nod.
"I'm terrified I won't live up to my mom's memory," I admit, my voice barely above a whisper. "She was incredible, Ruslan. Patient and kind, even when I was being unbearable."
My throat tightens, and I blink back tears.
"But what scares me most is the first time I fight with our daughter. That first real argument when she slams a door or says something that'll break my heart." I press a hand to my belly. "Because it'll just remind me of my last fights with my mom. The stupid teenage arguments I had with her beforeā¦"
Before Kristofer took her from me.
Ruslan's hand joins mine. Warmth pours into me at the gesture and sends my heartbeat skipping.
"All new parents carry the ghosts of their own childhoods," he murmurs, his lips brushing my hair. "We're both haunted by the mistakes our parents made. But I'm sure we'll also do our best to break those cycles."
His fingers thread into mine and he presses his lips against my forehead in a gentle kiss.
I lift my face to his. "But what if we mess up in ways we can't even imagine?"
A smile softens his face.
"Oh, we absolutely will," he says with surprising lightness. "I'm sure we'll find entirely new mistakes to make that our parents never even considered."
I can't help but laugh at that. "That's comforting to you?"
"It is." He caresses my face, thumb brushing away a tear I didn't realize had fallen. "Because whatever mistakes we make, we'll make them together. And we'll fix them together."
The stroganoff begins to bubble more intensely, and Ruslan turns back to stir it.
"I'm ready to make all those new mistakes with you, Aurora," he says, lifting the wooden spoon to taste. "Every single one."
* * *
Silence settles for a moment.
"That stroganoff smells incredible."