Page 32 of Wanting Happily Ever After

“It’s not nonsense, Josh. It’s…” Her head dropped to her chest. She knew she was doing the right thing. She knew it in her heart. They both deserved so much more than to live the rest of their lives in a deep friendship with their partner and nothing else. They deserved a spark. Some passion…something.

“You know how much I love you, Josh,” she tried again. “You are my best friend.”

“Then why are you doing this, Sarah?” He shook his head, as if he could stop himself from hearing what she had to say by force of will. “You love me and I love you and we have this beautiful little girl and—”

“It’s not enough.”

He froze. His eyes narrowed and he shook his head with a grunt. “Not enough?” Josh waved his arms around. “How is this not enough for you, Sarah? We have it all. Do you know how many couples would kill for what we have? No, we’re not making out like teenagers or having sex in the kitchen,” he continued. “We’re parents, Sarah. We have responsibilities.”

“We never made out like teenagers, Josh.” She could feel the color rising to her cheeks. She wouldn’t back down this time. She couldn’t. She’d made her decision and she was going to stick with it. It was for the best, and Josh would come to see it too; she knew he would. In time. “Not even when wewereteenagers. We haven’t had sex since Rory was born,” she added. “And even before she was born…I can’t actually remember the last time. Maybe when we conceived her. And even then, it was…”

She trailed away. There was no point in going down that road. Not again. Because the truth was, they both knew that their sex life was terrible. It always had been. When they were young and inexperienced, they’d both just assumed that was how it was done and that it would get better as they got older. But it didn’t. The few times they did have it, it was mechanical and it felt forced, as if it were something that they wereexpectedto do. Not something theywantedto do.

“We deserve better, Josh. We both do.”

On the blanket, Rory gurgled and kicked her legs. She was such a happy baby. Sarah couldn’t help but smile whenever she looked at her. But this time her smile was also full of pain.

She looked up at Josh again. “That’s why I want a divorce.”

She watched as, in front of her eyes, something inside Josh broke. His face crumpled and his shoulders fell as he stared down into the blanket for a long time.

When he finally looked up, something in his eyes had shifted. The light was gone. It changed his entire face into someone she didn’t recognize. It scared her.

“We don’t get divorces, Sarah. My family doesn’tdodivorce. No one has ever had one. I’m not going to be the first.” He got to his feet and paced away from the blanket to the edge of the trees. Sarah jumped to her feet, too, but then he turned and walked back to her. He looked down at their baby. “What about Rory?” he finally asked, his voice soft. “To grow up in a broken home? That’s not what we wanted for her, Sarah. It’s not fair to her.”

“Josh, it’s not fair to Rory to teach her that it’s okay to settle for less than what you deserve.” She reached for him but he shook her off. “We will still be amazing parents. We can do this together. And we can also each find the love we deserve. You know that’s true, Josh. Youknowit.” She pleaded with her eyes for him to admit what they both knew. She knew in her heart that Josh agreed with her. She justknewit.

For a moment, she believed he would agree with her.

He nodded and then shook his head violently. “It doesn’t matter what I know,” he said after a moment. “We made this decision together, Sarah, and now we need to see it through.”

Her heart fell. It was going to be harder for him to admit the truth than she’d thought. She wasn’t a crier, but now tears of frustration and hurt and sadness for everything they’d never had spilled unchecked down her cheeks. “Josh.” His name was barely a whisper on her breath. “Please don’t make this harder than it has to be.”

Tears slipped from her husband’s eyes now and the sight of it almost broke her. “I love you, Sarah.” He nodded, as if he’d made up his mind about something. She tried to take a step toward him, but he stepped backward. “No.” He held out a hand to stop her. “I need a minute.”

“Josh, I—”

“I’m going for a swim.”

“A swim?”

No.

She couldn’t let him go. It was too cold. He was in no state. Josh turned and jogged down from the grassy picnic area toward the lake. He pulled his shirt off as he went. Sarah glanced toward the baby still content on the blanket and back to Josh. She couldn’t leave Rory.

“Shit.”

Quickly, she grabbed up the baby and started running as well as she could with Rory held tight to her chest. “Josh!” She screamed his name as he dove into the lake and started swimming away from her. “Josh!” She screamed again and again, squeezing the baby tighter to her chest.

He needed to come back. It couldn’t end this way. He needed to turn around. Hehadto.

“Sarah!”

Josh?

She couldn’t see through her tears and her panic. But he was calling her.

“Sarah!”

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