Page 34 of Light

Tomorrow I will have to be strong for Tyler.

But tonight, I can break.

Tonight, I can fall apart in the darkness where no one else can see.

***

I wake up to the sound of laughter.

It takes me a few seconds to figure out what's going on. I must have fallen asleep when we got home from the doctor's office.

I turn my head to look at the clock and realize that it's nearly eight at night. I've been sleeping for more than eight hours. I start to panic when I hear the laughter again. I haven't checked in on Tyler all day.

Instantly, I feel like a shit mother. I'm so lost in my own grief that I'm neglecting my son.

I jump out of the bed, knocking my knee on the side table as I rush to get out of bed. The pain registers, but it's secondary to my need to check on Tyler.

I swing the door open and hobble as quickly as I can to the living room.

"Tyler, are you..." I skid to a stop when I round the corner, and my eyes settle on what I'm assuming is a figment of my imagination. After I blink a few times and realize the image isn't going away I snap my mouth shut.

Light is here with Tyler. The both of them are on the couch watching Family Guy. In front of them is a full spread of food. Take out from a local chicken spot.

"What... what is this?" My voice cracks as I look between the two of them.

"You were tired Mom. Light came over. It's okay I let him in, right? It's not like he's a stranger." Tyler quickly answers, the smile on his face dropping by the second.

"Yeah, it's fine, buddy. No problem." I try to smile, but the frog in my throat is expanding by the minute.

Light came, he didn't wake me. He bought my son dinner and is looking out for him while I got some rest. It all seems so normal. But it's not, at least not for me. To not have to worry about Tyler, about what to cook for him, about entertaining him, it feels like a small victory in a war that's waging in my soul.

"Let me get some tissues." I say as an excuse so I can get out of there. I rush to the kitchen and lean against the sink just so I can catch my breath. A wave of emotions hit me, the biggest one is guilt.

I hear footsteps behind me. Big, heavy. Light.

"Are you upset with me? I didn't mean to over step but when Tyler told me that you were taking a nap I didn't think we should wake you."

"You bought him food, you didn't have to do that. I'd have taken care of it." I speak but my voice comes out no more than a whisper.

"I know you would've but I did it already. You don't have to worry about it."

I don't have to worry about it.

Worry is all I have to hang on to.

Suddenly, the bough breaks inside of me and hard body wracking sobs explode through my body. I press both my hands to my mouth to stifle the sound but I know there's no way Light didn't hear it.

"Hey, hey. No, please don't cry." Light rushes over to me and wraps his arms around me. Turning me around so my face is buried in his chest. I suck in big breaths, the smell of leather and soap assault my system and in that moment the smell makes me feel safe and small. I wrap my arms around him and squeeze like he's my life line.

"Melissa, please." His words are strained. He grabs hold of my face and pulls me back a little so he can look into my eyes. Those beautiful, blue tortured eyes stare down at me full of confusion and sadness. "Tell me what I did wrong. I'm sorry. Please don't cry."

I shake my head as well as I can, "No, you didn't do anything wrong. This isn't your fault. I'm just overwhelmed. It's been a rough day." I tell him as I finally let go of him and wipe the tears from my eyes.

He moves my hands away and does it for me.

"What do you mean? Why? Did someone bother you?"

I shake my head no. "No, nothing like that. Just some issues I'm going to have to work through."

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