Page 5 of Drop Three

I need to shower and sleep. Dr. Banks did a number on me today, and I’m beating myself up over it. I’m struggling with something so far in the past; I should have moved on from this feeling a long time ago.

The fact that I’m thinking about it is a good thing, though.

Maybe. I don’t know.

Rest will cure my overthinking, I’m sure of it. It will also help me push down the thoughts I refuse to let sneak in. Thoughts that are now so far off-limits but felt like the only destination at the time. A sinfully tragic discovery of something I now find myself craving.

Fiji.

My memories of that night are so vividly illustrated, they transport me back in seconds.

Thick red curls and a slinky silver bikini.

Jesus.The image scars my flesh with possession and need.

One mistake that continues to consume me. It’s a forbidden fantasy I can never explore, but that doesn’t mean I can’t desire it from afar. I should be glad for its occasional distraction from my demons, but it’s beginning to feel like another hurdle I’m struggling to jump over.

Maybe because it stirred up a fire inside of me.

A fire that was over the second it started. It’s for the best.

Solitude is my penalty and my eternal consequence.

It’s time I accepted that.

2

NAVY

This isthe longest ride of my entire life.

I’m not being dramatic in the slightest. Isn’t there supposed to be elevator music playing in an elevator? All I hear is Jared’s heavy breathing next to me, and it’s making my hands clammy.

I lathered myself in my favorite eucalyptus lotion, hoping it would calm my nerves. It seems to only be doing the opposite—more like melting off my body. I can feel the anxiety seeping from Jared’s tall frame next to mine.

What am I doing? Being here suddenly feels so weird.

I don’t remember dating ever feeling this awkward. Awkwardness has never been something I’ve felt. I’m as extroverted as it gets.

What stranger? I don’t see one. Everyone is a friend to me.

That’s partially why my parents are always so concerned for my well-being. I’m too trusting, and my life is chaotic. I lack structure and discipline.

I’m afuck it and wing itkind of gal, and there’s no changing it. That’s most likely why I agreed to go on this date with Jared.

Jared, who, up until two days ago, I had no idea had feelings for me. Talk about a shocker. He’s never given me any clue about seeing me as more than a friend. Not that I’ve been single for very long; it’s only been five months. But I’ve worked with Jared for much longer.

We’ve been working together since we started at ATL Sports two years ago when we were both hired as interns. It took some time, but as of this season, I officially landed my role as the Strikers’ sideline reporter. Jared, on the other hand, is the Strikers’ pre-game broadcaster. I never imagined myself working in sports; my passion has always been the fashion industry. Growing up with my brother, who traveled for games, baseball was a huge part of my childhood. I would bring my worn sketchbook to and from his games, designing everything imaginable. Despite that, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity before me. My thinking in giving it a shot was: worst case, it doesn’t work out.

Thankfully, it did. Reporting isn’t adream, but it’s something I’m good at and I’ve worked hard for.

Being a woman in this industry means fighting for your life to get where you want to be. I deserve to be here, and I’ve busted my ass for it.

Thankfully, I have yet to encounter any gender discrimination. My work has been able to speak for itself. It helps that my older brother, Callaway, is the starting pitcher for the Strikers, which gave me some pull when I applied for this position. I’ve met some of my best friends at Makers Park. Having the opportunity to work front and center with the players is a surreal experience—witnessing their love for the game from their point of view.

I will say it’s been a hot minute since I dated. But lately, I’m finding myself ready to give it a shot. I don’t have much experience, but I never imagined it would be this much of a struggle. Maybe going out with your roommate and coworker isn’t the best way to jump back into the dating pool.

I’m almost twenty-nine, and spent the last fourteen years with the same person. Luke and I were high school sweethearts and completely wrong for each other. It only took me half my life to figure that part out. I’m also finding that I don’t know what dating looks like. I’ve been out of the mix for too long.

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