Page 228 of Swallow Your Sorries

“Because only I can do it.”

“So that you won’t do it hard enough. So that you can make it all better later. Or are you going to tell me that isn’t one of the main reasons you called off your dogs?”

I think of the burn over Elle’s heart.

The way the thought of anyone touching her sent me insane.

Still, there’s obsession. Affection. Infatuation but love?

Love!

Love…

Love?

Elle

Your Grace:Why aren’t you sleeping, dove?

My heart flutters at the message because if I’m being honest with myself, I’ve been waiting for it to come for days now. Not just the cute pictures of Gant performing some lewd act with the Elle doll or goodnight messages, but an actual conversation.

I’d been so lonely at Beaulieu and my tormentor, of all people, had slowly become someone I’d found comfort in, in a different way than I had with Stassi and Aria.

Our pasts are linked, and we share a tragic series of events. We share an understanding of our fathers.

Maybe even an understanding of our mothers, because slowly I’m realising that Gant has a point about Mum, even if I’m not ready to accept it. Even if I’m not ready to give up on her and be all alone.

I know what Gant will say, ‘You have me’, but I don’t. Not for long.

ElleBelle:How do you know I’m still awake?

Your Grace:I can see you pacing the balcony.

I turn around, in the threshold, and step onto the graphic tile barefoot before peering into the darkness. A few yellowy lights are dotting the foyers of the boys’ dorms downhill, but otherwise, they’re draped in midnight blackness.

Then I turn my head towards the forest, suddenly remembering Gant’s second home.

I can just make out the tip of the old greenhouse between the trees’ canopies and I follow the winding pathway I always take to get to it straight to the edge of the forest line. There’s one single light peeking out of the shadows. Gant’s cellphone.

Still, I can barely make out his form.

ElleBelle:Why aren’t you sleeping? Is it nightmares again?

YourGrace:Yes, but nightmares of a different kind.

I pause at that.Huh?

YourGrace:Nightmares of you not being with me. I told you I can’t sleep without my doll.”

ElleBelle:You mean to tell me you haven’t slept in a week?

Despite my sarcastic reply, a smile tugs at my lips, because with all the late rehearsals, I haven’t been going to the old greenhouse. Gant was busy rehearsing his solos and duets with Aria, and the sheer exhaustion of my own less intense but still rigorous choreo in the chorus was enough to put me to sleep like a baby this week.

Until tonight.

Until I remembered that chances were, I had nowhere to go tomorrow once Mum showed up. Still, I’d been trying to convince myself that she’d done the right thing without my goading and paid the balance. I could’ve called the landlord. I could’ve found out far sooner than when I needed to get out of the dorms, but I didn’t. I couldn’t.

There’s a part of me that’s still holding on to hope and another part of me that doesn’t want to think about having to use my net. Because pretending while we’re inside Beaulieu’s bubble is one thing. It’s safe. But at Gant’s penthouse? Not house,penthouse, it’s a whole different ball game I don’t want to get accustomed to because you can’t miss what you don’t have, and if I ever have it, it’ll be on my own merit.

---