Page 240 of Swallow Your Sorries

“You won ten grand, and you couldn’t get me leotards that aren’t see-through?” I ask quietly. Emotionlessly. “These weren’t the ones on my list. And the ones on my list were less than thirty a piece.” In the ballet world, that was damn near unheard of, but I wanted to be reasonable, grateful, conservative because asking alone was out of my comfort zone.

“These can’t be more than ten…” I look at a scratcher near my ankle. She’d spent more on them than on me. “Is this what you think I deserve?”

She shakes her head frantically, and the stiff strands, held in place by dried beer, shake a half-second later. “Of course not! I…I’ve never had money like that before. I’ve never been alone before and I just…I just got carried away and ran out before I got to your list. But I wanted to make sure I got you something—”

“Leftovers,” I whisper, putting the leotard back in the bag.

I’m just leftovers to her. Scraps.

She probably keeps me because I’m a trace of Jarett.

A token, hadn’t Gant called it?

A calmness overtakes me and then it’s like a spark ignites and all I see is red as I smack the bag against the dash, over and over again, until the plastic bursts and the leotards fall under my trainers.

Then there’s silence. Pure silence as I slump against my seat, defeated.

Then, from nowhere, there are throat gurgles, then spitty swallows, then tears. Just silent, useless tears as Mum’s shoulders begin to shake.

“I don’t know why I listened to what you said. But why did you say it at all? Why did you lie about movie night?”

Silence.

“We can still have movie night, Elle. We can get a room and enjoy the weekend and worry about finding a new place come Monday.” She leans closer and attempts to touch my arm, but I pull away, pressing my forehead against the freezing glass pane until my mind feels numb.

“This can be a good thing. A blessing in disguise.”

“How? How is this good? If you move, what about the deli? Your job?”

“I-I quit when I won the money.”

Whatever emotion is left within me withers and dies. Everything is numb now.

“I can get a new job, Ellie.”

Ellie.There it is.

“It took you months to get that one. You have no qualifications.”

“I’ll find something. And I can be closer to town now.”

“So you can keep looking for Jarett.” It’s not a question.

“So I can be closer to you.”

“Why would I want that?”

Maybe Gant was right, in a way. Subconsciously, I always wanted to go to Beaulieu, or any performing arts boarding school to get away from Mum. Jarett was gone for two years, and I still wanted to leave her. Desperately.

“You don’t care about me.”

“Don’t say that!”

“It’s the truth. Why do you always choose Jarett? Why can’t you ever choose me?” I ask once my back hits the backrest, all my energy already dispersed. “Why can’t you choose you? Why Jarett?”

“You don’t understand—”

“You tried to turn back the clock. You dress the same, act the same, go back to the same places as twenty-one-year-old Jaime, except now you’re his wife, with his kid, and ten grand richer and guess what? He still doesn’t want you. He’d still rather fend for himself under the guise of hiding from the Aucalirs. Give it up Mum. The only thing he’s hiding from is you. Nothing you do will make him want you because he never wanted you from the start.”

---