Page 120 of Swallow Your Sorries

Triggers, Aria’s earlier words float in my ear.

Yes, I have triggers.

Jarett.

The sound of beer cans crumbling.

Embers that remind me of the tip of Jarett’s cigarettes that dropped ash onto me.

Scratchers.So many freaking scratchers I could wallpaper the entire house with them.

Then there’s Gant, who induces unimaginable pain and pleasure.

An image of Gant’s smirking face between my thighs surfaces at the front of my mind so strongly that I want to reach out and claw it from the air.

“Oh, you’re starving alright,” Aria says with a chuckle.

“For dick,” Stassi adds. “You say Gant is your trigger, but he’s shooting far more than bad memories through your brain. What the hell did he do to you in that greenhouse? If you’re still obsessing over it in your sleep, it must’ve been good.”

“I could take a good guess if your pillow’s any indication. You ride that thing like it’s taking you on a trip of a lifetime.”

Horror contorts my features. There’s no way I did that in my sleep. I only do that when I’m alone in the room…

“Is Gant any good?” Stassi asks, tipping her chin down and gazing at me curiously.

I look at both girls sitting on my bed, crowding the exit. It’s like the bathroom scene all over again, except this time I don’t feel caged in or nervous. I feel…like a teenage girl. Like this is what it must feel like to gossip at a sleepover I’d never had before.

There was no way I could ever invite a friend over to my house and risk Jarett making a drunken appearance. No, I had to protect them and since I had to go to such extreme lengths to do so, I didn’t have them. Not a singular friend.

Friends.

I think about Stassi and I’s shared lunches, and my and Aria’s conversations before and after ballet class about frivolous things, or jabs at Rin, our common enemy. But I still couldn’t say we were friends yet.

And I want friends, desperately, but not just any friends. I want to be friends with Stassi and Aria, who have minds of their own, independent of their brothers. That aside, I admire both girls.I want to be like them. Girly and bubbly like Stassi, with the capability to exude the dark feminine aura that surrounds Aria. I can feel it drifting off of her in waves as she gazes at me with fox-like eyes.

But the first step to being friends is sharing, right? Getting deeper on a personal level. That won’t happen if I shut them out the very first time they tried being nosey with me.

Too bad I can’t give them the juicy details they’re craving.

“I wouldn’t know if he’s any good,” I grumble. “And I’m not being a prude. He didn’t touch me.”

Stassi shakes her head, her silk rollers flapping as Aria sucks her teeth.

“He edged you,” Aria says wisely. “That’s why you keep fantasising about it on a loop because you haven’t experienced the real thing yet.”

“Despite everything he’s done, Iknewyou liked Gant,” Stassi says, hugging my pillow before pitching it away when Aria’s former words about my riding time come back to her.

“I don’t like him.I hate him.”

“Hate fucks are the most intense.” Aria nods. “And the taboo ones.”

“You would know,” Stassi sings and Aria glares.

“Doesn’t brother’s best friend count as mildly taboo?” she asks me and I can tell she wants my alliance.

“A solid three at least,” I confirm. “Maybe more forbidden or naughty than taboo.”

Stassi tosses a curler off her shoulder. “You got me there. Do you think Étienne knows?”

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