Page 179 of Swallow Your Sorries

“Aren’t you the one that always says your mother wasn’t this, and she wasn’t that, but she was a good mother?”

“So?” he asks, brows knitted.

“So my mother wasn’t a good mother. Or a horrible mother.”

“Then?”

“She was a mother. My mother.”

He looks incredulous. “What is a mother then? Just someone that bears a child? I’d call that a breeder.”

“I’d call your mother a lot of things, but at least I try to have some decorum.”

“What has decorum ever gotten you?”

I want to punch his stupid face, but I’m terrified of letting go of his shoulders.

Silence drifts between us just like the moving water and the wind that rustles our hair.

Gant sighs. “I just meant I wish your mother was a haven for you too. I wish you had a haven. A safe place. I did once.”

“I could’ve had one at Beaulieu.”

He visibly softens at that. “I didn’t know what I know now.”

“I doubt it would’ve changed much.”

“It’s hard to regret things when every step has given you exactly what you want.”

I swallow. I knew he was unrepentant, not sorry for anything. But here I am, still in his arms.

“We can become each other’s havens.”

“I thought you already had one in your mother.”

He smiles sadly. “I did. But all those good memories of her are warping in my mind.”

“How?”

“She’s not this vibrant being anymore. She’s athingnow. A dead thing. Mottled and rotten and bloated. Just a corpse.”

The sharp gasp that escapes my throat makes the birds roosting above us shoot skyward.

“Let’s take it easy today,” he says, clearing his throat. “Just remember, you can stand at any point in the spring, and if you don’t have faith in your legs, then have faith in me. You can hold on to me the entire time.”

And I do, gripping his shoulders for dear life.

“Let’s start by blowing bubbles.”

“Bubbles?”

“It’s an early step to get you acquainted with the water and getting your face wet.”

I look down at the water apprehensively, watching as it laps gently between our chests.

“Put your face in the water and just blow for twenty seconds.”

“I won’t be able to breathe for twenty seconds?”

---