Page 190 of Swallow Your Sorries

Gant wanted nothing more than to corner me after our last class. I wanted nothing more than to disappear, and I’d managed to do so right into the girls’ dorm before he could get a hold of me.

It’s nothing he did or didn’t do.

It’s all on me.

I tried. I failed. And now I had to face the stark reality that getting noticed on stage for the midterm production was at an all-time zero. At least there was always the Christmas play.

But the thought doesn’t console me. I tried to be realistic. I told myself that my improvements weren’t enough for a major role. So then why do I still feel so let down despite all of my pep talks?

Because it’s more than the scouts, you wanted to impress.

You wanted to be Gant’s princess.

Maybe it’s a good thing Mum didn’t remember the auditions because if she did, she’d be texting or calling me and the last thing I want right now is to talk to anyone. Not Gant. Not Mum. And least of all fucking Rin.

“You would know,” I snark back.

Rin only smiles wider as I reach the landing, and I willingly follow her into her room. The last thing I want is for anyone to see us together. I’ve had a shit-enough day as it is. I don’t need anyone prying into our strained dynamic as the cherry on top.

“What do you want?” I ask tiredly when the door shuts.

I think more than disappointment, what I feel is tiredness like all the sleepless nights from Jarett’s nightmares, all the private lessons, all the swim sessions, all the fantasising about Gant has finally caught up to me, ringing in every bone and muscle fibre and pore.

“A check,” she says cooly. “You used Gant for lessons. You’re markedly better and now the auditions are over and you’re still a flop, so what are you waiting for now? Him to get bored first?”

“What are you talking about?”

“The video.” She snaps. “I don’t film all this shit for free. Send it into Beaussip so we can get paid for the footage and you can get your one up on Gant before he one-ups you.”

I sink onto the edge of her bed, ignore her incredulous look at the sheer audacity of my ass touching her precious mattress and hold my aching head in my hands. It’s suddenly throbbing, just like my kneecaps. My ankles. My toes. Like every single part of me.

I have to contend with the fact that I won’t get scouted and that I’ve abused my body, pushing it to its breaking point all in vain. And now I have to sink back into the reality that Gant and I were merely on an interlude that’s soon eventually going to come to an end.

We’re just in limbo.

“Or did you forget? Don’t tell me you got comfortable because he isn’t being a dick to you again.Yet.”

I glare up at her. Her voice is like a damn gong ringing in my ear. “I haven’t forgotten anything.”

“So? Are you waiting to finish falling in love with him so it can hurt worst when he fucks you over? Because that’s what he’s going to do. He’s just waiting for the right time.”

“I don’t love Gant.”

“Really?” She arches her brow. “Is that why you kissed him in the audition? Yeah, I saw it. Your cute little moment. It was quick. Gant’s back was to us, but I saw it, and maybe someone else did too if they were standing at the right angle.”

I let out a breath.Fuck.

“You were so swept up in the moment that you forgot you were in a room full of students who think Gant still has a target on you. Keep it up and you’re going to lose your leverage. The whole point of sending the video to Beaussip is to out Gant. To prove that he wants to do far more than just torture you. How do you expect everyone to be blindsided if you keep having these little romantic moments in public with him?”

“You think I don’t already know that?” There’s no snap in my tone. Just pure brokenness and tiredness and Rin can obviously sense it because she shoots me a serious look before sinking onto the bed beside me.

I’m so fucking tired. I just want to lie back and fall asleep for an eternity.

“Elle. Prince Charming is somewhat real. Well, in that there are wealthy, handsome men like Gant. But Cinderella isn’t. You can’t ever be Gant’s princess because you’re a popper. A servant. A commoner. What? Do you think if you keep being nice to Gant, he’ll be nice enough to make you his girlfriend? You think he’ll take the little bitch who leaked his mum clapping cheeks to the entire world to meet daddy in the Hamptons for spring? You think grand pa pa will allow you to become an Auclair? He won’t even let you on the estate.”

That gives me a spurt of energy. “Are you insane? I don’t want to marry Gant, much less meet his family.”

“But what happens when you keep on like this and you’re in love with him weeks from now? You think you can just walk away so easily? Your mind may tell you it won’t go anywhere, but your heart won’t let you give up. Just cut the cords now. Save yourself the hell because dogs like Gant can’t learn new tricks and you’re wasting your time trying to train him with your understanding and decency. Learn when to put them down, Elle. If you ask me, it’s the humane thing to do.”

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