Page 230 of Swallow Your Sorries

But we can just pretend.

“Tell me what’s wrong, dove?”

“Hmm?” I barely hear his words. I’m too caught up in mine.

“You’re distracted lately. Not just now. Even in rehearsals.”

He’d noticed?

“Don’t look so surprised. I always notice you.”

My heart flutters madly and I can’t look at him. Instead, I’m drawn to the white sheets surrounded by candlelight.

“I’m sorry.”

My eyes fly to his then.Sorry?Gant Auclair is sorry for something? Anything?

“The rehearsals with Aria have kept me away from you. Away from finding out what’s tormenting you sooner.”

“You’re so sure it isn’t you?”

“I’m always background noise in your mind, at the very least. But I’m not causing you to zone out for the vast majority of the day. When you’re on stage, you light up like a Christmas tree, but the minute you hit the flanks, you don’t just turn off, you completely unplug, completely detach, and I can’t reach you. Normally I just have to glance in your direction and you can feel it. You can feel me calling you.”

I chuckle, but there’s no humour. “What? You think we have some sort of telepathic connection?”

“Yes,” he says seriously. “I think we understand each other better than anyone else because we have so much in common. We can understand each other. Tell me. I’ll understand.”

I touch the white sheet. Damn, it’s soft. It must be Egyptian cotton or have an insanely high thread count. What counted as high? Eight hundred? A thousand? And how many types of cotton are there? What makes Egyptian cotton one of the best-

Gant stands behind me and hugs me. Just hugs me.

It’s so simple, and yet I melt into his embrace, into his net. Before I know it, we’re on the bed and I’m in his arms, gazing up at the black hole of the domed ceiling. I know it’s crawling right now, but I can’t see it. I just see darkness, like a giant black hole that mirrors the one in my heart.

“You said that your mother never did anything without a reason,” I say slowly, turning in his arms and pressing my ear against his heartbeat. “You said she didn’t just pick Jarett by chance. It made me think, why did Jaime, pick him? Was there a reason? Was he good, charming, decent at some point?”

“Was he?”

But something tells me he already knows the answer.

“No. She told me he kept barring her from getting into this bar to see a band. Some band she grew obsessed with during some depressive episode.”

“What happened?” he asks, and I’m genuinely surprised he cares enough to.

“She’d gotten rejected from art school, from some housing and job opportunities too. The band made her feel understood. She’d do anything to see them and they were performing at the bar that week. Jarett got sick of her shenanigans and eventually, they must’ve hooked up, starting a chain of unfortunate events. I’d never asked how they met, but most people fall in love after some charm, right? With Jarett, there was none from the start. There was literally nothing, no bait to even hook her on. She just…chose him. He just tolerated her. That’s it.”

“I wouldn’t say that.”

“What do you mean?”

“The reason she chose Jarett is crystal clear. There was definitely bait.”

I sit up on my elbows to peer down at him, more than curious to hear what is so obvious to him but oblivious to me.

“She’s obsessed with him because she’s been rejected at every turn. By her parents. By the band. By art school. Then by Jarett. He was the last rejection she could withstand. She needed his acceptance, not because there’s anything important about Jarett himself. He just came into her life at the right time, when she was going to snap if she didn’t get some sort of approval fromanyone.Jarett happened to be the last rejection she couldn’t handle. So she fixated on him and eventually, she got it by becoming his partner and even though it seems obvious, he’s a begrudging participant. Still, she keeps him by any means necessary. For Jarett, that seems to be the basics. Food, electricity, a roof.”

“A shitty one.”

“One all the same. Perhaps Jarett felt he deserved a better one, but of course, he could never get it on his own merit. Him accepting my mum’s advances meant he probably hoped to enjoy some perks in one way or another.”

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