Page 52 of Swallow Your Sorries

For my humiliation.

For my feelings of inadequacy over a fake scholarship that I don’t deserve but I refuse to let go of. Because the truth is, I’m not prideful enough to walk away from the opportunity, regardless of the consequences.

I even cry for…Madame? For Gant? I can’t say.

But I let it all out because tomorrow a single tear wouldn’t escape.

I know the deal and I’m not withdrawing from the game, so come what may.

No matter how brutal.

Elle

No matter how fucked up life gets, I’m still going to eat.

We know,I can already hear the voices of my old classmates and dance instructors chanting in the recesses of my mind.

Madame included.

I can almost see her face in the garnishes floating in my lobster bisque. Quickly, I dunk my French-dipped sandwich to disturb the pieces, but her face, forever frozen in death, still creeps into my mind’s eye.

It’s strange, remembering how awful she was to me, and yet, my brain’s suddenly churning out excuses for her now that I know she’s gone.

Maybe she was once a little Elle whose dreams and self-esteem were also crushed by a bitter instructor before she found success.

Maybe she thought in her own cruel way, that she was genuinely helping to save me from a world of pain and disappointment.

Maybe.

Maybe…

The problem is, that wasn’t her place. Her place was to instruct me on how to improve.

I sigh, biting into the sandwich that’s so delicious my soul damn near transcends up into the cathedral-like ceiling of the dining hall to join Madame in the afterlife.

I choke on the intrusive thought and gulp down a mouthful of sparkling lemon water.What the fuck is wrong with me?

How can Gant believe that I’m truly sorry he’s motherless when I told him verbatim that I hated her? When I can’t even think about her for one minute without crossing back to her negative traits?

All that aside, when was the right time to tell him that I truly was sorry for sending the email? For inadvertently pinning the leak on him? Given what he did to me in the auditorium, I’d rather eat shit, but if something is wrong, it’s wrong, right? And I was wrong, regardless of what he did. Aria and Stassi said to wait, but how could I just prance around as if nothing had happened? As if nothing is happening?

This morning, I’d taken their advice, but the day’s only half over, and I’m already on the verge of cracking because Aria was right. Gant Auclair is ineverysingle one of my classes. He’d watched me like I was the best show he’d ever streamed. But he didn’t approach me. Didn’t speak to me. It’s like I’m some silent entertainment, a punchline everyone’s waiting for.

That’s the worst part. Not being the joke, nor the constant, overwhelming feeling of being watched,and stalked. No, it’s the wait.

We were all waiting. But what’shewaiting for?

For me to open my mouth? For me to come to him first?

My phone buzzes, and I nearly splash soup onto my bowtie because my phoneneverbuzzes.

My mind flies to some freak accident or emergency surrounding Mum, and I click the notification with my heart pounding in my ears…but it’s not Mum. It’s Beaussip who apparently has everyone’s number because a uniformed chorus of buzzes and chimes reverberates around the hall so loudly that I’m surprised the gorgeous stained glass windows don’t rattle.

My stomach bubbles and a wave of queasiness washes over me as I read the headline,5 Things to Know about G.A’s Target.Suddenly, I feel like all eyes are on me, but no one’s paying me any attention. Of course, they aren’t. They can’t see me behind the rows of tall rubbish bins encased in some elaborately carved wooden holders.

I’m hungry, not stupid. I don’t need to make myself more of a target than I already am by sitting up front and centre. Until Gant and I can come to a compromise—

Unreasonable sons of bitches,Aria’s earlier descriptor of the boys echoes in my ear, interrupting the thought.

---