Page 144 of Feed Your Fiends

“They think I’m depressed because Etienne’s gone. So I have to pretend that I’m not. I have to do everything I’d normally do when Etienne’s here. Like come downstairs for late brunch even when all I want to do is die.”

I’d say that’s dramatic, but isn’t that exactly how I feel?

“Why can’t your parents know that you’re depressed?” I ask, watching cream cheese fall onto the table.

“They can know I’m depressed. They just can’t know that it’s over, Etienne.”

“Why is it over, Etienne? Isn’t visiting his mother a good thing?”

“He didn’t leave to have a relationship with his mother. He hates her. He left to get away from me.”

Oh.

“Who could blame him? Everyone’s avoiding me. Even you tried to sneak past the door, the way you sneaked from the bleachers.”

I pale. “You saw me?”

“It all made sense when Beaussip dropped her article. You heard what Gant said to his father, didn’t you?”

“How did you hear it?” Bart and Gant had slipped to the other side of the room near me. “Don’t tell me you’re a mind reader?” I ask, half-joking.

“A lip-reader.”

That made far more sense. “Well, I’m glad I heard him. It was the motivation I needed.”

“Congratulations. I’m glad you got your money. You deserve it.”

I can’t hide my surprise as my eyebrows fly up. “You think so?”

She nods. “I mean that in the most unbitchiest way. Gant deserves the payback. He fucked up majorly with those pointe shoes, and I fucked up by not telling you about it.”

Silence passes between us.

“I didn’t have a right to be that upset with you,” I say finally. “You’re Gant’s friend first. You did what you thought was right. Keeping his secret while trying to ensure that I didn’t get hurt.”

She shakes her head. “I’m not just Gant’s friend, I’m yours too. There are no first places. Friends serve different purposes. It doesn’t make you less or more, just different.”

A shred of hope goes through me. When I cut off Gant, I’d assumed I’d also cut off the friends I made along the way. Suddenly, I don’t feel so alone, so hopeless.

“You said everyone’s upset with you,” I say with a small smile. “I’m not, so I guess that’s not everyone.”

She smiles back, continuing to smear her bagel.

“Why is Etienne mad at you, though?” I can’t help the curiousness creeping over me. In fact, I welcome it as a much-needed distraction.

“I don’t know…” she says softly. “That’s the worst part. Stassi says I’m perfect. I’m not, but I try to be for my parents, for ice skating and for Etienne. I try to be the best siste—” she stops short, digging into the cream cheese with more vigour, “relativeto him, but lately, nothing I do is enough. I don’t want to lose him, even as my friend, but I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. He used to tell me that I was so good, and now it’s like he hates me.”

“Join the club,” I mutter. “Everyone hates me too. When I go back to Beaulieu, you’ll feel better.”

She crinkles her brow. “Why would I feel better?”

“Everyone will be so busy hating me that you’ll have enough entertainment to push Etienne to the back of your mind.” Sure, I’d got my revenge on Gant, and Beaussip had praised me, but there were an equal amount of hateful comments.

She grimaces. “Then why go back at all?”

“There are only a few months to graduation. No one’s going to stop me from getting that Beaulieu certificate- not the bullying, not Gant Auclair, not even my feet. I endured so much over this break; what’s a few more dumped trays over my head?”

“Or glass in your shoes? That’s serious,” she says firmly.

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