Page 40 of Refuge for Flora

“Nope. Not even bi.”

“Really, Barrett, it’s none of my?”

“Jesse’s name hasn’t always been Jesse.” Flora’s head popped up and she stared at him.Yeah, I knew that would get your attention, he thought, and he would’ve laughed if it hadn’t been so damn sad. Instead of speaking again, he got up and took the few steps to the bookcase under the front window. The photo album he retrieved was white with gold gilt letters, and he handed it to her. “Open it up.”

“What is this?”

“Just open it.”

He watched as she flipped open the cover and stared at the first page before turning to another one. “Your wedding pictures?”

“Yeah.”

“Jessica, right?”

“Yep.”

“I thought you said you were divorced.”

“I am. She’s not dead. She just ceased to exist.”

“You told me something like that before.” Two green eyes bored into him. “Ceased to exist? How did she just cease to exist?”

Life was complicated and messy sometimes, and he didn’t know how to explain it, so he just said, “Jesse.”

“Jesse took her and you’re friends with him?”

“No, Flora. Jesse is Jessica. JessicabecameJesse.”

The knit of her brows and frown told him she didn’t understand. Inside his head, he heard the countdown:Five, four, three, two…

“Holy shit.”

And there it is.“Yeah.”

“But I thought you were divorced.”

“We are.”

“Then why is she, uh, he in your house?”

“We’re still friends.”

Flora sat there, and he could tell she was having trouble with the idea. “So you’re still friends with your ex-wife who isn’t a woman anymore. Am I getting this right so far?”

“Yeah.”

“So you’re still friends with her. Him. If you’re such good friends, why did you divorce?”

She was sitting in the chair, so he took a seat on the end of the sofa closest to her. “She wanted to stay married, but I just couldn’t. I’m not gay. I’m not even bi. I tried to think it through, but in the end, all I could think of was chicks with dicks. I mean, I have no problem with trans people, but I couldn’t figure out a way to be married to her ifshewanted to be ahe. I couldn’t make sense of it. I still love Jessica, but Jesse isn’t Jessica. Yeah, in some ways, but not in all ways. This was mywife. And when she had her top surgery, I… It was horrible for me. We were already separated, but I wanted to be there for her. I swear to god, I wanted to die when she showed me… It was like she was killing off the wife I loved a little at a time.”

“How long ago was that?”

“Three years.”

“If it’s so painful for you, why is he here? Hanging out?”

“Because we’re still friends. Because the person I fell in love with is still in there. I’ve tried to tell him he needs friends, needs to go out and meet people, that I can’t keep being his only friend. He didn’t want the divorce. I did. You know how trans people say they felt like they were in the wrong body?” Flora nodded. “Well, I felt like somebody took away the person I knew and handed them back in the wrong body. Maybe it’s easier for women. I’ve known at least two couples where the husband decided he was a woman and they went through the entire transition and stayed married. I’m not sure how that works. Maybe it’s that women can see the beauty in other women even if they’re not lesbians. But I’m sorry. A hairy chest does nothing for me. If I’d wanted to be married to a man, I would’ve married a man. I don’t. I’m not gay. I’m not bi. I’m straight, and I want a wife, not a husband. And from what he says, he wants a husband.” Just talking about it was unbearably painful. Watching Jessica become the happy person she wanted to be had brought him so much grief and so much loss that sometimes it was hard to breathe. “I’m happy for him. Really, I am. The whole time we were married, I knew something was wrong. She hated her body. Couldn’t find clothes she liked. Tried to hide her figure. I remember the day she came in and she’d cut all her hair off. I mean, buzzed it. I was horrified. She’d had this long, silky hair, and it was all gone. How was I so clueless? I don’t know. Maybe because I never dreamed that could be me, the guy who was left behind when the wife decided to become a man.”

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