Page 14 of Unclench Me Softly

you’re literally living in a fanfic

and you’re the problem

ME:

i hate that you’re right

but also

i think i’m in love with both of them

and i haven’t even started the group breathwork yet

CALLIE:

you’re gonna die in linen and i’m gonna frame your texts as scripture

ME:

send snacks

and emotional boundaries

There comes a moment in every cult leader’s life when she has to fake a spiritual experience to reassert dominance over two early-arriving hot men who are ruining the vibe with their unpredictable masculinity.

For me, that moment is now.

I gather Jax and Asher in Dome One, which still smells faintly of lavender, panic, and Febreze. I’ve lit three candles, placed two amethyst towers in the center of the room, and arranged the meditation cushions in a triangle. That’s sacred geometry, probably.

They sit on opposite sides, looking as opposite as humanly possible.

Jax: shirt still missing, arms crossed, looking like he’s about to punch the aura off someone.

Asher: sitting politely with his spine too straight, already sweating, clearly wondering if it’s rude to ask for Wi-Fi.

I settle cross-legged between them and take a deep breath, hands in my lap like I’m not improvising a ritual in real time.

“Welcome to our Sacred Alignment Opening Circle,” I say smoothly. “This session is designed to prepare your energy field for the journey ahead by reconnecting you to the structure of intentionality and surrender.”

Jax raises an eyebrow. “What?”

I smile sweetly. “I’m saying: You both showed up early and messed up my schedule, so now we’re meditating about it.”

Asher opens his mouth, possibly to apologize again.

I hold up a hand. “Shhh. Your energy is already sorry.”

Jax snorts. “This is punishment, isn’t it?”

“This,” I say, lighting a stick of incense like I’m warding off man-sweat, “Is realignment. You are being gently guided back into the sacred rhythm of flow. Together.”

I close my eyes and pretend I have any idea what I’m doing.

“Let us begin,” I intone. “I invite you to breathe in through the nose… and out through the mouth. Let go of control. Let go of your calendar. Let go of your need to assert dominance through spontaneous arrivals and shirtless wood-based posturing.”

There’s a pause.

Jax mutters, “This is about me, huh?”

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