Page 29 of Unclench Me Softly

He squints at it and says casually, “Oh yeah, forgot to tell you. Some guy just showed up.”

I pause. “What guy?”

“Fifth one. Quiet type. Real smooth. Says his name’s Jonah.”

I lower the jar slowly. “Toad.”

“He’s by the pond. Said he didn’t want to interrupt your ‘spirit stuff.’ Just nodded real deep and said he was ready to surrender.”

I stare into the distance.

The air stills. The wind chimes fall silent.

And I say, very softly, “I swear to the goddess, if this man is hot and emotionally articulate, I’m hexing the entire male species before dinner.”

Bliss’s Horoscope Chaos Forecast™

Trust your chart. Or don’t. The moon is drunk again.

Aries— You screamed during breathwork and now you’re in love. You want to punch feelings into someone until they spiritually soften. Do not start a cult this week. (Unless it’s hot.)

Taurus— You brought your own snacks and refuse to share unless someone rubs your shoulders while validating your inner child. You are correct.

Gemini— You created a group chat for post-retreat emotional debriefs and accidentally flirted with everyone. You’re either in love or starting an orgy. Please clarify.

Cancer— You cried during the planting ritual and tried to emotionally adopt your seedling. You are now its mother. You cannot back out.

Leo— You made a mood board for your spiritual awakening and asked if the group bonfire could include confetti. The answer was yes. You’re the leader now.

Virgo— You edited the welcome packet and color-coded your healing milestones. Also you’re quietly kinked for praise and deep eye contact. Everyone knows.

Libra— You made out with your spiritual twin and now you’re trapped in a feedback loop of emotional mirroring and shared playlists. Please hydrate.

Scorpio— You haven’t spoken in three days and yet everyone is obsessed with you. You’ve spiritually railed three people with your eyes. Keep going.

Sagittarius— You accidentally wandered into a different retreat and became their leader. You gave a speech about root chakra liberation without pants. They made you a crown.

Capricorn— You’ve monetized your healing journey and started a subscription-based journaling workshop. You cried once, but it was scheduled.

Aquarius— You brought a didgeridoo and nobody asked you to. Then you made it emotional. Then someone proposed. You are chaos incarnate and we love you.

Pisces— You fell in love with a tree, wrote a poem about moss, and transcended during a foot rub. You haven’t returned to the physical plane yet. That’s fine.

Bliss-ism #91/zeta:

If a man seems too calm, too handsome, and too emotionally available—he’s either a liar or your next mistake. Possibly both.

Chapter Six:

Jonah Vale and the Weaponized Eye Contact

He’s standing by the pond.

Of course he is.

Barefoot.

Hands in his pockets.

---