Page 75 of Bear's Heart

“Bear and I will never get back together.”Savannah’s voice was firm, and she gave Josie a rueful smile.“Bear might love me, but he doesn’t like me, and I don’t blame him.Most of the time I don’t like myself.”She glanced down at her steaming mug and then back up at Josie.“How much do you know about him and me?”

Josie shrugged.“He’s never said a lot.He seems to keep his cards close to his chest.”

“That’s one way of putting it.”Savannah frowned, lost in thought.“Bear and I were never friends.”

“I can’t believe that.I’m sure he was nice in the beginning.But after all these years, I imagine it’s hard to remember what those early days were like.”

“Oh, it’s not hard to remember.We were insatiable.We were constantly, you know, every which way, every time we were together.He couldn’t get enough of me, and I loved it.I loved him.”

“But you stopped loving him.”

Savannah lifted her mug.“I don’t think one ever stops loving someone like Bear.He gets under your skin, you know?”

“But you ended the relationship.”

Savannah arched a brow.“He said that?”

“He’s said almost nothing, other than, when it ended between you two, you essentially had the last word.”

“I usually do.”Savannah smiled grimly.“But the ending of us was brutal.Not just on him, either.It was brutal for me, too.I loved him.We were going to get married and start a family—” She broke off, swallowed, her throat working.“But it didn’t work out that way.”

“You couldn’t accept the paralyzed Bear?”

“Hecouldn’t accept the paralyzed Bear.I know you’ve only ever known this Bear, the one in a chair, but it was hard for Bear to go from being one thing and then another.MyBear wasn’t broken.He wasn’t a paraplegic.He’d always been on top, a winner, a champion.Nothing stopped him.He rode with injuries, broken arms, broken collarbones, injured legs, knees, hips.He rode with cracked ribs and collapsed lungs—”

“That’s terrible.Truly.”

Savannah’s shoulders rose and fell.“It was his choice, and his career.Bear has always known who he was, and understands better than anyone his identity, his value, and his appeal to audiences.Bear Anderson.Champion bull rider.Montana myth.”

Josie nodded, aware that Savannah was speaking the truth.Or his truth.Bear was his own person.He wasn’t one that could be manipulated or pushed.Which couldn’t have been easy for Savannah following the accident.“I can only imagine how awful it was after he was hurt.”

“It was.We had a difficult time figuring out our way forward.I don’t know how to talk about it still.It was so complicated and so heartbreaking, and I made some decisions that changed everything.As if everything hadn’t already been changed.”

That mocking note was back in Savannah’s voice, but Josie was learning that Savannah wasn’t poking fun at Josie, but rather mocking herself.Bear did that, too.They must have been one powerful, formidable couple.

“I’m sorry if I sounded critical,” Josie said.“I don’t mean to judge.I probably put the facts together and got it wrong.”

“I doubt you have it wrong.And if Bear hasn’t told you the truth, I will.When he was in his coma I ended my pregnancy.With his baby.We were engaged, and the doctors prepared me for the worst.They said it was unlikely he’d make it, and if he did, he wouldn’t be the same.So, I did what I thought was best for both of us.”

Josie had not known any of this, and she fought to hide her shock and revulsion.“But then he survived,” she said.

“He did.He was paralyzed.He had significant trauma.The next six to nine months were incredibly difficult.”

“At what point did you tell him you were no longer pregnant?”

“I didn’t tell him.Not initially, but that’s because he never knew I was pregnant.It was still early on, and I didn’t want to be a pregnant bride, and so I was in a bit of denial, thinking I’d tell him when the time was right, wondering if we should do a quickie courthouse wedding, and then have our big wedding with the family and friends later, after the baby was born.Then he was hurt, and I made the decision to terminate the pregnancy, deciding to never tell him, thinking it was best for him not to know.”

“Yet you told him.”

“I’d never kept secrets from him.I mean, I’ve kept secrets from lots of people, but never from Bear.We were always honest with each other, even when it sucked, but that honesty was a big part of what kept us together.Then suddenly I had this huge secret, and then two secrets—the pregnancy and the abortion.It was killing me.Eating me alive.I’d even gone to see a therapist about it, trying to wrap my head around the guilt, as well as the anger that my Bear was gone, and I was struggling to accept that he and I would never be the same.Not as we were.”

“Change is brutal.”

“And this was impossible.”Savannah pushed her tea away from her, palms pressed flat on the counter.“We had a huge fight one day.It had been brewing for a week or more.We were both frustrated and deeply unhappy, and Bear snapped at me, said something about me liking my fans more than him, and it just made me flip.I’d been trying so hard to be positive and cheerful for Bear, putting on a happy face for the rest of the world, and when he attacked me, I just let him have it.I shouted at him that it was a good thing we didn’t have the baby because he couldn’t even take care of himself.”She chewed on her lip a moment.“Of course, he asked what baby?”She shrugged.“I told him.”

“Oh, no.”

“Oh, yes.”Savanah tried to smile but failed.“A lot of things were said, terrible appalling things, the most hurtful upsetting things, and that was pretty much that.The end.”

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