Page 63 of My Secret to Protect

Steadying my breath, I flop back to the mattress once more and stare up at the ceiling. This is why I need sleep. Ineedit. My mind is playing tricks on me.

‘No,’ I say firmly but quietly. He’s not doing this to me. Nolan is not going to break me.

Inhaling once more, I blow it out and push my hand back into my shorts. I need this, I remind myself. I need to relax. I need to sleep.

Closing my eyes, I stroke my fingers between my thighs. I want it to be Arlo. I want his large fingers to tease me and make me moan. I exhale as my fingertips graze my clit, and the sparks of pleasure start to relax my muscles, and then, just like before, the tendrils of panic wrap around me, and my eyes snap open. Frustrated, I smack my clenched fist against the mattress.

Nolan is in every corner of my mind. Waiting, watching. Even when I know he can’t see me, my mind tells me that he can, and I don’t know that I’ll ever be rid of him.

Tears wet my eyes, and I squeeze them shut, feeling the tickle of the teardrops against my skin as they descend into my hairline.

Don’t let him take everything from you,the stubborn part of my brain starts to shout from the back.You are stronger than this. I am stronger than this, but I’m tired.You’re a fucking Campbell.I am. I consider the strength of my dad, leaving his MC for love. My mom, raising twins when she was so young and surviving the heartbreak of losing my dad. Of Doug, fighting for his daughter, and Zoe, caring for and surviving losing Luke. I am a Campbell. I am stronger than this.

Pushing myself up out of the bed, I softly lower my feet to the floor and pad over to my bag, listening for sounds that Arlo is awake, but the house is quiet.

Pulling out the vibrator, I nod, yes, I’m doing this.

Laying on my back once more, I shuffle my shorts down and off. Need has been overtaken by my stubborn determination. I’m not even doing this because I’m horny anymore. I’m doing this because I refuse to let Nolan take this from me.

It’s a quiet toy, that’s the reason I bought it. I live alone, so I don’t need quiet, but I prefer it. However, when I turn it on now, my heart races as it vibrates loudly, and I turn it back off again. I guess when there’s someone in the next room, and there’s no sound to drown it out, it all just seems louder. I turn it on again slowly, leaning my head toward the wall to listen for any sign that Arlo has woken, but there’s nothing.

‘Okay,’ I whisper and bring the vibrator between my legs.

The gentle buzz against my sensitive skin is nice, but I’m no longer aroused. I know that this is about needing to prove to myself that I can do this, that I can let go, and nothing bad will happen. Also, I need to come. I need the release and the relaxation that will come with that.

‘Come on, Bree,’ I whisper to myself as the vibrator slides through the wetness still there and nudges my clit.

Holding it there, I wait and hope and try to relax enough to feel the familiar build, but it’s not there. It’s like my body stopped wanting this, but my brain knows I need it.

Realizing I’m staring at the ceiling in determination, I shake my head and close my eyes and try to remember the kiss, Arlo’s wet boxers clinging to him when he climbed out of the river that day, the way his strong arms and shoulders pulled him through the water of the lake this afternoon as he swam, the way he looks at me when he forgets he’s trying to stay away, the same way he looked at me back then.

A spark of pleasure makes me smile slightly as I stroke the tip of the toy through my growing wetness, teasing my clit, who has decided she might be awake after all.

Relaxing into it, I let my legs widen and my lips part, but then it stops. A vivid image of Nolan leaning over me fills my mind, and I gasp, opening my eyes and throwing the toy across the room as I sit up, panic making my heart race. I cover my face with my hands and sob in frustration.

Without warning, Arlo bursts into the room wearing just his boxers, and I yank the blanket back over my body.

'What was that?'

'Nothing, it's nothing. Go.'

He moves his attention around the room, and I see him spot the discarded toy; there's no point hiding it now.

‘I can't get off. I can't sleep, and I can't do the thing that could probably help me sleep.’

He takes a breath. I hear it in the quiet of the room, even over the distracting vibration of the toy against the wooden floor. Arlo steps forward and bends to pick up the toy, turning it off and putting it on the dresser, and I drop my head back with a groan of embarrassment.

'Why?'

'Because I close my eyes and I see him, I open my eyes, and I'm scared he's watching me. I don't know where he is, and I'm scared. I'm tired, and I’m frustrated.'

After another deep breath, he moves toward me and kneels on the bed, pulling down the blanket.

‘What are you doing?’ I try to close my legs and hide my exposed pussy, but he moves his body over mine, separating my thighs with his. My heart races with nerves and sudden arousal.

'Nobody is watching you but me, Bree.’ I suck in a gasp and meet his gaze in the dim room. ‘Lay back, do what you need to do.’

‘What?’ The word was barely even a whisper, but he moves, caging me in underneath his body and forcing me back down to the mattress.

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