Page 32 of Logan

“Oh, um, yeah.” I shrugged. “I’ve looked you up online before, so I’ve kept track of the important things.”

“Important things? But you didn’t…” Whatever Jason was going to say, he stopped himself and shook his head before his expression abruptly shifted. “Come on. Sit down. Tell us about your drive here.”

When Jason sat down, a small dog jumped onto his lap, happily wagging its tail. It was a white, moppet-like thing. Probably a purebred, but I didn’t know enough about dogs to recognize which one. It didn’t even seem to notice me, so focused on getting attention from its owner.

Jason’s hand automatically stroked over the dog’s back as he spoke. “We’ve already got the guest room made up. You can move your stuff in there immediately. Is the rest of it in the car?”

I glanced down at the single bag sitting by my feet. “No. This is it.”

“Ah.” Jason’s expression shuttered for a moment, his smile nearly slipping off before latching on more firmly again. “That certainly makes moving easier. Did you have a hard time getting here?”

Did I?

My first instinct was to say no. Logan had done all the work driving, and even paid for everything. All I had to do was sit in the passenger seat and pick out music to listen to.

However, I also couldn’t say it had been easy. I’d had more breakdowns in the last few days than in the last several years.

When the silence lasted too long and I still hadn’t said anything, Logan took over and answered Jason’s question for me. He gave a general explanation of our trip, focusing on mundane things like the different scenery we’d passed, and having to pull over when we got caught in the storm. Not once did he mention any of my tantrums, or the numerous times I’d broken down crying, or throwing up on the side of the road. Based on Logan’s description, it almost sounded like we were on a vacation exploring the countryside.

This was how conversations were supposed to be. Small talk was meant to fill the silence between people and put everyone at ease. It seemed to take Logan no effort at all, as if he already knew exactly what to say and what not to say.

When had I lost the ability to carry on a conversation?

How was I supposed to live here if I couldn’t even talk to my own brother without being frozen with indecision?

The conversation around me died and the silence alerted me to the fact that something was wrong. Snapping out of my thoughts, I noticed everyone looking at me with concern.

Even the damned dog had stopped wagging its tail to stare at me with its big dark eyes.

Logan’s hand gripped my shoulder. “Clay? What’s wrong?”

That was when I felt the moisture dripping down my cheeks. Somewhere during the conversation I’d begun to cry silently without even noticing.

Something in my chest clicked, like a lock falling open, and I started openly sobbing and blabbering all at once. Every thought I’d had since arriving all tumbled out of my mouth at once. The confusing mix of hope and fear that had been plaguing me since the start of the journey here was difficult to explain, and probably didn’t make much sense. Especially since I was trying to talk with my face buried in my hands to hide my tears.

Yet, no one tried to stop me or told me to be quiet.

Several minutes passed before I calmed down enough to look up and wipe the tears out of my eyes. I found Logan sitting beside me, as I’d come to expect, but I was more surprised to find my brother also kneeling on the floor in front of me. His hand rested on the couch cushion next to my leg, like he’d tried to reach out but hadn’t wanted to touch me.

“Sorry,” I muttered as I used the sleeve of my shirt to scrub the moisture off my face. “I didn’t mean to ruin the mood like that. Just ignore me. I’m a mess.”

The bruise around my eye had faded but had not completely disappeared. It had stopped throbbing after about two days, and I could almost forget about it so long as I didn’t look in a mirror. However, my furious scrubbing at my face reminded me that the old wound was still there. I flinched when I pressed too hard near my eye, but kept going, desperate to erase the evidence of my most recent outburst.

A hand on my wrist stopped my movements. Jason was careful as he pulled my hands away from my face, not gripping me too hard so I could pull away if I wanted to.

“Please don’t apologize. You didn’t ruin anything. I expected today to be emotional. In fact, I’d be more worried if you didn’t cry.”

“But—” I couldn’t decide whether to push his hands away or hold onto him, so I ended up just making a strange pointless gesture like I was trying to grasp something that didn’t exist. “You seemed so excited about me coming here. I don’t want to make you upset. This should be a happy moment, right?”

“This moment shouldn’t even exist.”

I pulled back at the unexpected rejection, but almost as soon as he spoke Jason seemed to realize how his words sounded and rushed to correct himself.

“No, wait. I don’t mean you shouldn’t be here. I mean, we shouldn’t need to be reunited at all. You shouldn’t have been missing in the first place. But we can’t change the past, and you’re here now. That’s all that matters. Happy. Sad. Angry. I don’t care as long as you’re here.”

Jason had always been taller than me, even when we were kids. I couldn’t remember a moment when I wasn’t looking up to him. Yet, with him kneeling on the floor, I was the taller of the two of us for once. That made it much easier when I leaned forward and pulled him into a hug.

As soon as I crossed that physical boundary, Jason’s arms wrapped around me so tightly my ribs ached. It was technically our second hug, but with both of us participating, it put our first hug to shame.

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