Page 47 of Logan

Candy and snacks were a luxury I loved to indulge in, much to the grievance of my waistline, but the prices I could see listed behind the snack stand were criminal. I may not be hurting for money, but even I couldn’t justify such an expense.

Half the theater was filled by the time we got there, so we found a pair of seats near the back wall, as far from others as possible. As we waited for the movie to start, Kenneth and I talked for a bit, sticking to general topics such as games we’d played, books we’d read, and so on.

It didn’t take long for me to come to the realization that we had almost nothing in common.

Literally, after fifteen minutes of trying and failing to find common ground, it seemed like being gay was our only shared interest.

Luckily, the movie started before things could get too awkward and we had an excuse to stop talking.

I was bored.

Only twenty minutes in, and the hero had already escaped three different gun fights through increasingly absurd means. I was fighting the urge to close my eyes and fall asleep, but at least in the seat next to me Kenneth seemed to be enjoying himself.

At the halfway point of the movie, I’d stopped paying attention and had no idea what was going on. I made up a game in my head, imagining outlandish things that could happen in the movie. I’d just drawn up a scenario where aliens suddenly descended and abducted all the characters, when I felt an unexpected touch against my hand.

I pulled away instinctively, and a spike of fear gripped my heart. Glancing over, terrified of what I would see, I found Kenneth slowly withdrawing his hand and placing it back on the armrest.

I felt bad. It seemed like he’d merely been trying to hold my hand. That was something that people who were dating did butletting him touch me wasn’t the same as letting him pick the movie. The feeling of hands grabbing me in the dark was too familiar and brought back more memories than I was prepared to deal with. That was one concession I couldn’t give him.

I sat with both my hands tucked safely in my lap for the rest of the movie.

Afterward, as we stood outside the theater under the awning, waiting for our respective Ubers to arrive, Kenneth tried reaching for my hand again, but didn’t look shocked when I pulled away.

He sighed, but the sound was mostly swallowed by the rain.

“You aren’t really interested in dating me, are you?”

I opened my mouth to argue, but no words came out.

What could I say?

I refused to lie to him. He didn’t deserve that, but I also couldn’t think of anything to say that wouldn’t sound insulting.

All I could give him was the truth, even if it was uncomfortable or confusing.

“Honestly, I don’t know what I want.” I ran a hand through my hair and grimaced when my fingers snagged on several knots. My wavy hair had always tangled easily, especially in wet weather.

I didn’t try to pull through the knots and just left them in place to be brushed out properly later.

Kenneth scowled down at his feet, not even looking at me as he buried both hands in his pockets.

“I probably shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. You’re way to pretty for me.”

I hated it when people complimented my physical appearance. It was too close to the compliments that clients would often say to me when they thought it would get them a better deal. Or worse, the way my captors would admire me like they were praising themselves for their own good taste.

Instead of getting upset though, I kept my expression neutral as I sought a way to explain myself.

“It’s not like that. You did nothing wrong. This is on me. I don’t know what I want. I don’t even know if I’m ready to start dating, but I figured the only way to figure it out would be to try. I’m sorry if that’s disappointing.”

I expected him to be mad, or maybe even hurt.

What I didn’t expect was for him to start laughing.

“Are you really trying the ‘its not you, it’s me’, line?”

“Um... Yes? Is that a bad thing?”

I’d never heard that line before, but Kenneth’s reaction said that it was well known. There was a lot of supposedly common knowledge I was lacking, and it had gotten me into trouble before. Maybe that line “it’s not you it’s me,” had a negative meaning that I didn’t know about.

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