Page 57 of Logan

“We don’t have to do this,” Logan assured me, even as he was given final clearance for takeoff. “We can turn around right now and go back to the hangar.”

“No. I want to. I’m just… nervous.”

I was completely terrified, but it a good way, like the anticipation right before getting on a rollercoaster. I’d only been to a theme park once in my life, but I still remembered the addicting rush of adrenaline.

I could easily imagine going to a theme park with Logan.

Or a haunted house.

Or bungee jumping.

Even the movies would probably be more fun with him. It would certainly go a lot better than my last date.

No. I needed to stop thinking like that. Logan and I weren’t dating, and I shouldn’t put him in that position even in my imagination. It would be too easy to start to expect things from him.

Things I’d never get.

I didn’t even know for certain if he was gay, though I had my suspicions based on the way he looked at me when I first showed up to his hotel room.

Gay or not, it didn’t matter. We were on completely different levels. Friendship was already more than I could hope for, but he would never see me as anything else.

The seats inside the plane were upholstered with white leather, and the entire cockpit was spotless. It was such a pristine environment, and fit Logan perfectly.

I moved my hands from the arms of the chair to my lap and pinched them between my knees. Every place I touched inside the plane felt sullied. As if everything rotten inside me had leaked out and left a black stain behind.

I didn’t belong here in this spotless environment, but Logan did. He deserved someone unsullied, and that could never be me.

We started rolling down the runway, quickly gaining speed until something seemed to tug just behind my solar plexus and the whole plane tipped upward. The ground disappeared from sight, and all I could see was an endless expanse of blue sky and white clouds stretching out in front of me.

There were so many different things in the plane Logan had to keep track of as we ascended, but he handled them with ease. It reminded me of an expert pianist who always knew exactly which key to hit to create grand music.

Only when the pressure behind my solar plexus disappeared and I didn’t feel like I was being pressed back into my seat, did I dare to lean closer to the window and look down. The ground was so far away it looked like a patchwork quilt. I couldn’t even comprehend what I was looking at for a moment, but soon Irealized that the lines dissecting the patchwork landscape were roads, and the little dots moving along the line were cars.

Even the buildings, which from the ground created an entire city, merely looked like a collection of scattered Lego bricks.

“It’s all so small,” I marveled as I pressed my face against the glass. “I can’t even see the people.”

This high above the ground, it was like all of humanity ceased to exist except for the two of us. Everyone else was gone.

Something inside me snapped, like a tether that had been holding me to the ground had suddenly released and left me free-floating. I was completely untouchable up here. Everyone who’d ever hurt me, or failed me, or used me, was so far beneath me that they were invisible.

Flying above the world, I was untouchable. Even if one of the monsters from my past decided to show up again, they couldn’t touch me if they tried.

“Clay?” Logan’s hand on my shoulder turned me away from the window. “Are you okay?”

“What? Yeah, I’m fine.”

With the back of one finger, he stroked my cheek, and when he pulled his hand away, a few drops of water clung to his skin.

At some point, while I’d been gazing at the world below, I’d started to cry without realizing. I wiped at my own cheeks, astonished at the tears I found there.

I’d cried plenty of times in my life. During my worst times it had been a daily occurrence, but I’d never cried like this before. Not only were the tears silent, but they didn’t hurt. There was norush of ugly emotion or flush of heat or pounding heart. I barely felt anything as a few more tears dripped from the corners of my eyes, except for a gentle sense of relief.

“Sorry,” I said quickly as I wiped the new tears away. “I didn’t realize. I’m not upset. I promise.”

Luckily, he seemed to believe me, so I didn’t have to explain the strange emotions I was feeling. I had no idea what to even call these emotions, let alone how to describe them, and I probably would have sounded like a lunatic if I tried.

The plane kept climbing, though the assent was much shallower than our initial takeoff, so I didn’t feel the change as drastically. I didn’t even realize we were still rising until we were engulfed within the clouds and came out on the other side above them. Now the world below us was completely gone, and only a landscape of clouds and sunlight remained.

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