Page 61 of Until the Stars Fall

“I’ve carried this guilt because it’s mine to carry. I made Noah and Hannah orphans. Because of me, Mom and Dad weren’t there to see Noah become a doctor. They won’t be there when Hannah graduates, or when Noah gets married. I lied and told them I lost my magic, because I never wanted to use it again. I didn’t have the guts to turn myself in, so I took myself away the first chance I got. Astronautical safety engineering isn’t my passion. It’s my penance. I couldn’t save my parents, but I had to try and make things safe for other people.”

“Gemma, what you just described, you weren’t at all responsible for their deaths. Witchcraft requires planning. Like when you tried to shrink that guy’s suit, did you just point your finger at him and proclaim it?”

I shook my head. I’d gathered ingredients for weeks to put it together.

“When you tried to tongue-tie those girls, did you just yell it at them?”

I shook my head again. It’d taken me all night to figure out the wording for that spell, and all of math class to figure out the sigils. I’d still fucked it up.

He laid his hands on my shoulders, leaned over to look into my face. “I think you hurt yourself with those words, not your parents. Who’ve you been blaming all these years? Not chance, not the circumstances of the crash. You didn’t mention either of those. You said you caused it directly. You’ve punished yourself, rearranged your whole life to atone for saying those words, haven’t you?”

“Of course I’ve considered it could’ve been an accident. But the timing of it…it wasn’t random. My magic caused their accident. You can’t convince me it didn’t.”

“I think you should talk to Hannah and Noah. Because I’ve heard all about your parents’ crash—the drunk driver, the rainy night, the broken stoplight—but neither of them ever once said they thought it was anything other than chance.”

The old horror rushed through me. “I can’t talk to them,” I balked. “I can’t admit what I’ve done. They’d never believe me.”

He cocked his head at me. “So you want to be guilty.”

I tried to speak, but only a few frustrated sounds came out. “No, of course not. That’s not what I meant.”

“Did you ever think that them not believing you might be a good thing? It might be what you need to break the lie you’ve been telling yourself. No wonder you’ve hated your magic so much.”

This was the moment. I had to break his heart to protect him. “I’m having my magic taken away.”

He stiffened and took away his hands. “Wait, what? What do you mean ‘have it taken away’?”

He’d taken his hands away the moment I’d said it. He didn’t want me without my magic. A horrible pressure took over my chest, and I suppressed a sob. A lie was on my tongue to make it hurt less, but when I looked into his eyes, I knew I couldn’t, wouldn’t lie to him. Not anymore.

“I found a woman on Gaia. She says she can take my magic away, and I’ve already paid her half. I owe her the other half when I get there.”

His mouth dropped open as he folded his arms, clear pain etched on his face. “No, Gemma, you’re not really gonna do that? Are you?”

“I am.” I wiped away the tears streaking down my face, but more came.

“Please don’t,” he breathed. “Your magic comes out of your bone marrow.” He grabbed my hand and kissed the tender skin of my inner wrist, which only made me cry harder. “It’s integrally a part of you. Even people who’ve had bone marrow transplants have kept their magic. Trying to take it out—I don’t even think it’s possible. What if you’re seriously hurt?”

I pulled my hand away. “It’s not a medical procedure, it’s magic. I’ll be fine. Probably.”

“Now you’re okay with magic over science?” He breathed out, visibly deflating. “Please don’t do this, Gemma. You’re amazing. You’re not a monster. Your magic is good, just like your heart. It heals. It healed me.” Tears slipped down his face. “Please just think about it?” he pleaded. “We can face anything together.”

I shook my head, crying. “No. I’ve made up my mind. I can’t live with my magic, and I can’t ask you to give away that future you wanted, marrying that dream witch and living happily ever after.”

His eyes widened. “Wait, what are you saying?”

“I’m so sorry, Beck.” I curled up into myself over crossed arms, wanted to melt through the grated floor where I could never hurt anyone again. “I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to involve you with my stupid life. You said it yourself, it never works out when you date women without magic. That’ll be me. Better to end it now before we’re all living together in your magical, utopian witching community.”

“You wanna know why it didn’t work out with those women? Because they weren’t you. Please don’t leave me, Gemma.” He gulped, tears escaping from his eyes. “Shouldn’t I get a say in this? I’d rather, a thousand times over, be with you, even without your magic, than to be without you.”

I put my hand on his cheek, and he covered it with his own. I could barely speak for crying. “I know that, Beck. You and your stupid, beautiful, loving heart. I can’t let you ruin your happiness just because you think we’re fated to be together. I know you’d choose something that wasn’t good for you just because you care about me so much. But I can’t let you do that.”

“So that’s it?” he asked quietly, tears down his face. “Is this really what you want?”

“No. But it’s what I have to do.” I pulled my hand away from his face, my resolve hardening.

He looked down, breathed out hard, and turned to leave the room. After he opened the door, he turned back to me, locking his eyes on mine. “Gemma, I—”

Whatever he was about to say was drowned out by Summer’s booming voice over the intercom. “Bifrost’s in sight, and y’all better get up here and see this thing. It’s fucking terrifying, but it’s also the coolest shit I have ever seen.”

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