Page 25 of Silence and Surrender

“Twenty? Thirty? And did any of them make you feel anything? Besides that momentary physical release?”

When I didn’t answer, he pressed on. “Because I remember what that’s like. The emptiness afterward. The hollow satisfaction that never quite fills the void.”

“It’s safer that way.”

“Is it? Or is it just easier?” He leaned back. “You know what real intimacy is like? The first time with Allegra, I was terrified. Not of the act itself, god knows I’m a pro—but of how she made me feel. How she saw past all my walls, all my careful control. How she made me want things I’d told myself I’d never have.”

I remembered Isabella’s eyes in my office, seeing through my façade. “That’s what makes it dangerous.”

“That’s what makes it worth it.” Cooper’s voice softened. “Sex with someone you love, someone you trust completely, it’s transcendent. It’s not just physical release anymore. It’s connection. Communication. Sometimes it’s slow and tender, sometimes it’s rough and desperate, but it’s always real.”

“And when they betray that trust?”

“Then you pick yourself up and try again. Because the alternative?” He shrugged his shoulders. “Those calculated encounters in five-star hotels? That’s not living, Colton. That’s just existing.”

“You make it sound so simple,” I said, draining my glass, wishing it was something stronger.

“Nothing simple about it. With the escorts, I knew exactly what I was getting. Two hours, no strings, no surprises. They’d do whatever I wanted, never asked for more.” Cooper refilled both our glasses. “But with Allegra...that first time we made love, when I told her I loved her…I’ll never give that memory up.”

I remembered back to my last arrangement a couple of weeks ago—Victoria? I had trouble remembering her name. Everything had been perfectly orchestrated. The Dorchester’s best suite, naked bodies, practiced movements. No variation. Just like always, I filled the condom, got dressed and left. Afterward, I’d felt...nothing. It was like an item on a checklist—I’d finished, moved on to the next line item.

“Your women,” Cooper continued, “they’re all like you, aren’t they? Corporate types who understand the rules. No sleeping over, no breakfast, no second nights.”

“It’s cleaner that way.”

“More controlled. More empty.” He studied me. “When’s the last time you actually spent the night with someone? Held them? Let yourself be vulnerable?”

“Catherine,” I admitted. “Five years ago.”

“And this mystery woman, do you think about her that way? Like your corporate conquests?”

The thought of Isabella being just another notch in my belt made a wave of emotion crash through me. “No.”

“Because she scares you. Like Allegra scared me. Like Ashlynn scared Steele. They see past all our careful walls, make us want things we’ve told ourselves we can’t have.” He smiled slightly. “Make us want to be better men.”

“She makes me want...” I stopped, unable to articulate it.

“Everything,” Cooper finished. “She makes you want everything. That’s why you’re training so hard, why you’re constantly checking your phone. Not sleeping. Because for the first time since that dumb bitch broke your heart, you’re thinking about more than just physical release.”

I didn’t answer him, my eyes fixed on the setting sun.

“Tell me something else,” Cooper continued, studying my expression. “These women you meet, do you kiss them?”

I looked down at my wine glass.

“Because kissing is intimate. Personal. Can’t maintain that careful distance when you’re kissing someone.” He gestured with his glass. “I was the same way. My girls knew the rules, no kissing, no staying the night, no real names. Just transaction and release.”

“And Allegra changed that desire, just like that?”

“The first time I kissed her, my whole world shifted. Suddenly all those ridiculous encounters seemed...futile. Empty.” He smiled at the memory. “The first time I was with her, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Reliving it. Do you remember how I was? You thought it was my gunshot wound keeping me quiet, but I couldn’t help but fixate on how beautiful it was. But it was overwhelming, being that vulnerable, that connected to someone.”

I thought of Isabella in my office, how even the slightest touch between us felt charged with meaning. “It’s not that simple.”

“No, it’s terrifying. Opening yourself up to someone like that? Letting them see past your walls, the trauma you carry?” He shook his head. “But that’s what makes it real. That’s what makes it matter.”

“And when it falls apart?” The harsh bitterness in my voice surprised even me. “When they use that vulnerability against you?”

“Then you learn from it. But you don’t shut yourself down forever.” Cooper’s voice gentled. “Catherine was a betrayal. I’ll admit that, the whole thing fucking sucked. But using that to justify these empty encounters? That’s just another form of hiding.”

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