Page 2 of Close to Falling

I remove my baggy clothes and stare at my naked reflection in the mirror behind the wooden door. It makes my stomach turn more, so I look away and get under the steaming water. It’s too hot, burning my tender skin, but it's a feel-good kind of pain. My conscience eats at my mind every minute inside of every hour, inside of every day, and anything to help me think of something else is my best fucking friend. Pills, pills, and more pills.

My legs grow weak, and my mind drifts in and out as the drugs make themselves known. I smile, my legs give out, and I slip down into the tub. I just want to close my eyes for a minute.

Just a minute and then I’ll get out.

I feel a sweet, oh-so sweet blanket of warmth start to climb up my body. My senses slow down, and my blood flows leisurely through my veins. Time becomes still, and I feel each and every sprinkle from the water cascading down on me. My eyes grow heavy, my arms grow weak, and I feel calmer than I ever have. The blanket covers me now, and my eyes will not open. I’m weightless, and I might be okay with that.

The gunshot rings in my ears, and I watch as the blood leaves their bodies, turning bright red as it travels down the uneven pavement and settles into a puddle. My hands shake, and sweat forms on my forehead. My head moves involuntary from side to side in complete disbelief.

“No.”

I hardly breathe. The air in my lungs feels like razor blades slicing me from the inside out. I look up from their dead bodies and at the gun pointed directly at me. I blink, and big tears fall, clearing my vision when I look into the cold blue eyes of the person who just killed my parents. An eerie chill runs down my spine, tangling and twisting with my veins until it reaches my heart and spreads like a wildfire.

“Fuck,” the man who owns the gun says before he drops his arm and takes off running. I watch him as he gets into his car. It cranks, and the tires spin, filling the air with thick black smoke. I’m alone. Everyone is dead. I turn my eyes back to my parents as they lie motionless on the hard ground. My lungs shake as I try to take in air, and a deep ache settles in my chest. My knees buckle, and I crawl over to them. I lie across my mother and reach out to touch my dad’s arm.

“No, no,” I whisper. “Come back,” I say to the darkness. My voice cracks, and more hot tears fall from my big brown eyes. “Don’t leave me,” I cry. “Come back.”

“Come back to us, Maddie!” What is that? The voices come in and fade out again. I feel a painful fullness in my lungs.

“Maddie.” I hear again. Who is that? The pain grows sharper, and I realize I can’t take in air. “Maddie! She’s still not breathing.”

Fucking breathe, I tell myself.Breathe!

Tiny needles prick inside my lungs, and I feel a rush of air enter my throat. More air pushes harder, the pain breaks free, and my eyes fly open. Water comes out of my mouth and nose, and it burns like acid. I cough and cough until my eyes water, and I look over and see the bathtub I was in. Water flows over the top, and I don’t understand.

“Maddie, look at me.” I blink and try to focus. “Maddie B, it’s Frankie.” I hear. Frankie? I try to talk, but someone tells me to take it easy. I look over and see a medic.

“Ma’am, we have to get you to the hospital.” I turn to the other side of me and see Frankie. I’m so confused. What the hell has happened? My brain is so foggy still, and I’m so tired. I close my eyes for a second, and it feels too good. I hear mumbling, but can’t make it out. I can’t fight the sleep. I give in, and I’m falling again, but this time I’m not okay with it. I’m scared, and I see his face in my mind before I’m out.

A Few Days Later

My eyelids flutter open, and I move my toes. The room comes into view, and I hear beeping. I’m in a hospital. I try to swallow, but it hurts and makes me groan.

“Maddie.” I peer over and see Landon. “Here, have some water,” he says as he lifts the cup to my lips. I take it, grateful for the cold fluid that soothes my dry, raw throat. It makes me wince, though, and I clutch the blanket that’s covering me to try to force it down. Landon puts the cup on the nightstand and takes his seat beside my bed.

“You almost died, B,” he says. “You almost fucking died on me.” He puts his hands on his face, and I look away.

“What happened?” I ask, finally finding my voice. He looks up and sniffs as he adjusts his snapback on his head.

“Frankie and I were going crazy not hearing from you, so we started looking around. Found out you were spending all your time at some local dive bar. The bartender told us where you lived so we went over. We didn’t hear anything, and we knocked forever. Finally, Frankie got tired of knocking so he kicked the door in, and we found you in the tub. Your head was halfway underwater. He yanked you out and started giving you CPR while I called the ambulance.”

I still don’t get it. How did I end up in the tub? Last thing I remember was sitting on my bed. Good God, I’m more far gone than I realized.

“Maddie, what the hell were you thinking? Were you trying to kill yourself? I need to know. You have to give me some answers here. I’m your brother, your family. Let me help you.”

“I honestly don’t know, Landon. I don’t remember any of it,” I tell him as I rub my eyes.

I almost drowned. In a damn bathtub.

“You had a lot of drugs in your system. Downers and uppers mixed. They had to pump your stomach.” I look away again, my eyes focusing on the trees that are now covered in snow. I feel so distant. So far away from everyone. I’ve spent my nights alone—the only things to keep me company are the drugs and my own shadow. They comfort me, and they never let me go.

“You need help, B.” I look away from the window and back at my brother.

“I know,” I finally say. “I know.”

***

I was in the hospital a few more days after that. They monitored me and made sure I wasn’t going to off myself. I had to agree to go to rehab, which was okay. I knew I needed help. I couldn’t do it alone anymore. I wasn’t dealing with any of my past. I needed to face it all, but I needed professional help with the shit in my head and the drugs that had taken over me.

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