Page 57 of Give Me Love

“Congrats. I’m happy for you.” I muster up as much enthusiasm as I can. I’m a little hungover honestly, but I’m so damn happy for her. I kick her leg. “For real.”

“Thanks,” she replies. I taste my old coffee and look at the TV.

“I see you had a few to drink last night,” she says, looking over at me.

I lift my brow, swallowing with a nod. “Yeah.” My voice is raspy, but my head’s pounding less.

“Everything okay?” she asks, bringing her leg up and resting her chin on her knee. She’s in pajamas still, with no makeup and thrown up hair. My best friend is pretty inside and out and how she cares for me makes my heart a little less shattered. I love her with all the pieces. I wish I could be a better person and make her feel as important as she does me.

“Yeah. Everything’s fine.” But I’m not her and we don’t have the same baggage.

She sighs and reaches down to grab the remote. She presses mute on the TV. My eyes watch her, and I swallow the panic I feel. Please don’t do this.

“One of these days you’re going to have to open up to someone. You do know that, right?”

I take another sip of my coffee.

“Have you ever thought of going to therapy?”

I swallow the nasty shit. “No.”

“Why? Don’t you think it may help you?”

“No.”

She exhales and rolls her eyes. “Isnothe only word you know?”

I go to saynoagain, and she holds up her hand to stop me. “This is sad. What could have been so bad that you can’t talk about it?”

“Why can’t you let this go?” I ask, leaning my head against the couch and looking up at the ceiling.

“Why can’t I let this go? You have this big hole inside of you, and every once in a while it swallows you up. You shut yourself off from people. You withdraw. It’s not healthy, Kat. I worry about you.” She shifts and sits with her legs crossed.

“Please don’t. I’m fine, Claire, really. I just don’t like to talk about my past. It…”

“It what?”

I shut my eyes. “It makes me feel sick.”

“What did he do to you?” she asks with pain in her voice. I don’t want that. I don’t want her to feel sorry for me.

I open my eyes and look over at her. Her eyes are tight, her elbow rests on her thigh, and her face is in her hand as she runs her fingers over her forehead. I look past her and play with the collar of my shirt.

“He gave me scars. He gave me bad memories, and he made this hole inside of me that you say I have. Talking about it… it’s hard.” My eyes dart to her. “I know you want me to. I know you want to know, but the words won’t come out.” I look to the ceiling again, trying not to cry, but I feel it when a tear runs down the side of my face.

“You hold on to your past too much, Kat. You’ve got to let go.”

I blink back to her, and with a slight shrug and falling tears, I murmur, “Where do I put it down?”

ChapterTen

Bryce

The darkness of the alleyway brightens from the headlights of my car. Bums sleep on flattened cardboard boxes with wool blankets covering them even though it’s still over ninety degrees at ten at night.

I hold the cash in my hand as I look for her.

When I was a kid, I remember going days on Ramen noodles and grilled cheeses because my dad would spend all his money making her happy. She was an IV drip connected to his veins, feeding him poison that he considered love.

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