Page 77 of Living with Death

Her eyes jump to mine, and something swims in them. Truth. “If I was ever going to be more than the crazy man’s daughter, I knew I needed to make a different life for myself.”

My mouth falls open, and I sit down on the couch, unable to stand. Realization hits me like a car crash, twisting with anger. My mind roars with horrific memories. All those times my father yelled at her. The awful things he said about her and me. It was all true.

“You controlling bitch. You ruined my life.”She’d trapped him. I didn’t want to believe it then. I told myself he was just drunk. I stare blankly at the floor. I told myself she was not a great mother, but there was no way she’d do that.

I shake my head, running my hand through my hair. I thought he was drunk and mean, but he was telling the truth. He hated me because of her.

My eyes jump to her. “What Dad said was true?”

She looks down. “If you mean, did I get pregnant on purpose?” She shrugs, “Your father knew how to use a condom and chose not to.”

“You tricked him.” The words come out in a rush of air. My whole life has been nothing but lies.

“It’s a cutthroat world, dear. You either put yourself above the water or you drown.”

I clench my fist. “My father hated me because of you.” My eyes dance across the floor. “He blamed me for the misery in his life, looked at me as though I was the biggest mistake he couldn’t take back, and it was because of you.” A father is supposed to adore his kids. Teach them and show them how the world works, but mine couldn’t even look at me because he didn’t want me.

“He never told me he loved me. He never showed me any affection.” I look at her. “Why did you stay with him? You had me. You had your meal ticket. Why stay with him if he beat you?” Why keep me in a house without love? Why make me stay somewhere when I wasn’t welcome? Neither one of us was welcome.

She inhales, looking at her nails. “It wasn’t enough. I needed to ensure we were going to be taken care of. If that meant letting your father release his anger on me, then so be it.

“He could hit me all he wanted. It would never change the fact that I had him. He either stayed with me or lost everything. His parents wouldn’t let a scandal such as a divorce ruin their good name.”

I can’t believe any of this. I don’t know this woman at all. How could a person put themselves through all that? How could you put your child through all of that?

“You said we?” I question.

“Yes, we. You are my child. It is my job to look out for you.”

This time I laugh bitterly. “Look after me? You let me watch him beat you. You let him talk about me like I was the reason his life was so miserable.”

“He made his own choices. You were not to blame for any of it.”

“How was I to know that? I was a child! You never told me any of this.”

“You didn’t need to know.”

“I needed to know!” I yell, jumping up from the couch. “I needed to know all of this. It’s my life.”

“What would it have mattered? It changes nothing.” She lifts her chin. It’s apparent regret’s nowhere to be found.

I scoff. “Changes nothing? It would have helped me understand why you’ve always been obsessed with my weight, why you felt you needed to trap a man and get pregnant so you could what? Prove to this town that you’re worthy? That you’re better than them?” My pulse pounds against the skin on my neck, and fire burns my chest. “That’s why you dislike Jack. You think he’ll take away all your precious money. The money you tricked and trapped a man to obtain.”

She stands. “I put myself through hell to ensure we had everything we ever imagined. I’ll be damned if I let a pretty man swoop in and snatch it all away.”

My teeth nearly snap from clenching my jaw so tight. “Jack has zero interest in money, Mother. Believe it or not, he likes me just for me and nothing else. I don’t have to get pregnant to make a man want to be with me.” My lips tighten, my blood boiling at the surface. “You make me sick.” The words rush out before I can think not to say them.

She pales, and I wonder if I’ve gone too far.

“You think of me what you will, but know one thing. I always put you first.”

“Get out.”

She looks down for a moment but recovers quickly. “Fine. I’ll call tomorrow.”

“Don’t bother.”

“I will call tomorrow, and I’ll call every day after. You may disagree with what I did, but a person hanging from the ledge only has two choices. They either fall or pull themselves up. I did the only thing I could.”

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