Page 79 of Living with Death

I find myself taking in a slow breath. Perhaps I’m being unfair. I know death is a part of life and that loss is inevitable. It always has been. I’m just going to miss Cook so much. I pull the sleeve of my dress over my hand, rubbing the velvet fabric between my fingers.

“I’d never seen anyone so beautiful,” he says.

“That can’t be true.”

“It is. You’re a beautiful woman, Mabel, but it’s not just the outside I find lovely about you. It’s the inside as well. In that photo, I could see through to your soul. I know your mother made you think badly about yourself and scarred you.” His face turns grave, and he appears to shake a heinous thought away.

“I know the real you, darling. The person who gets on her bike and rides by Sam’s house to confirm she’s made it home safely after a night out. You throw in a tip for Jason at the end of your shift when no one is looking because he’s a struggling college student.”

I look down, following the patterns on the carpet. He has been watching me. Did I ever feel him? Was it in the grocery store? Or late at night when I’d go by Sam’s? Sometimes I’d feel the hairs stand on my neck or I’d look behind me, swearing someone was there in the shadows. Could that have been him?

He continues. “You always gave Cook extra when you purchased one of his dinners.” I hear the smile in his voice. “You’re why Leigh was able to pay her light bill and Robbie and his wife’s medical bills –––it was you who paid several.”

I swallow. Yes, I did all those things. Because I care about those people, and that’s what you should do if you’re able. I may not have taken my father’s money and seen the world, but I have helped my friends. If I’d known Sam didn’t have her rent, I would have taken care of that, too. Anything to prevent her from sleeping with her landlord.

“But none of that is why I needed to speak with you.” He inhales, looking to the heavens as he sighs, his long, muscular neck exposed. Why can’t things be okay with us right now? The urge I have to lick and kiss his skin, I have to clasp my hands to keep from reaching out.

“You weren’t meant to die when caught in that storm. I made that happen.”

My brow knots and my heart drops from my chest. “Excuse me?”

He grimaces, sliding his hand down his face. “I presented you with an impossible decision. One no human would turn down, and I knew that.”

I stand. “Why would you do that?” I recoil, my mind racing. My chest deflates. “You tricked me?” My hands go to my hair, and I lift it from my neck. “You made me think my time was up? I’d done nothing with my life. I was terrified it would all be over.”

He stands. “I didn’t have much time.”

I feel sick. “Time? Time for what?” I swallow the lump in my throat. “You lied to me.”

He flinches. “I’m sorry, darling. I never intended to hurt you. Never.”

I blanch, my throat drying. The room seems to grow small, the fire making it too hot. I reach for my throat, pulling at my neckline. “I don’t understand.” I walk to the window seat, looking at the old curtains as slices of light tattoo the floor.

“I’m in love with you, Mabel. I have been since the moment I saw you. My life has been utterly dull. I’ve slept with countless females, roamed this world alone, and seen it all, but nothing has satisfied me the way you do.”

I twist to look at him, and he stares into my face, looking over every aspect. His voice comes out thickly. “I asked for you.”

“What?” Confusion curls around my mind. I run my hands over my arms, darting my eyes away from him. It’s too much.

All of this is too much at one time.

Cook, the argument with my mother, and now this.

Anxiety pulls at the air in my lungs.

My breathing becomes strained.

My mind clouds.

“This is too much.”

Azrael takes a step toward me, but my feet move back. He stops, frowning. “Once I found you, I was given two weeks for you to fall in love with me. If you didn’t, I would return to the In-Between and never be allowed to see you again.”

My heart thunders in my ears, the blood roaring. “Two weeks? Was this all a game to you?” Vomit threatens to rise as I place a hand over my stomach.

“What? No.” He steps forward, but again, my feet move back. “Mabel.” My name sounds like a plea against his lips, but I can’t handle this.

His eyes go to my hand. “I went years being alone. I never wanted this ––never asked to fall in love because I knew,” I seethe, the tears coming down my face now. “I fucking knew how painful it could be.” A sob slips past my lips, and I cover my mouth. “But then you.” I look at him, shaking my head. “You had to come into my life, and you tricked me. You lied to me and made me think my life was over. I wondered why you’d chosen me. I asked myself that question repeatedly.” I wipe my face. “You say you’re in love with me?” I laugh incredulously. “I may not know much about it, but I don’t believe love would do what you did. It doesn’t force someone’s hand. It doesn’t trick them.” I cover my face as my heart bleeds. “You made a fool of me.”

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