Page 83 of Not the Plan

“My cousin is getting married. And I…” Another ragged breath came out. She swallowed hard. “I am a disappointment.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

She shrugged. “I’m a disappointment. That’s the message every time. Every phone call, every visit. Every Christmas, Thanksgiving, wedding, what have you. And Mother’s Day.Especially Mother’s Day.” He reached for her hand across the couch and brought her around to the front, next to him. They sat together. He didn’t let go.

“I should have been married by now; I should have had myfirstbaby by now. I should be done ‘playing around in California already’ and have come home to do what I’m supposed to.”

His eyebrows crowded together. “And what’s that?”

She sniffled. “It’s never really been articulated. Beyond married and grandchildren. When I can’t talk, she’ll call repeatedly until I answer. And when I do, I never know what to expect. Sometimes she says nice things, like she’s proud of me, then in the next breath she’s telling me I’m a failure and I should just give up. For a long time, I thought if I could just be perfect, the perfect daughter, she’d be happy. But what that concretely means is that I can’t follow my dreams, the things I want for myself in life.”

“Perfectionism is anxiety in disguise,” Karim said.

She looked up at him, raising an eyebrow.

“That’s what my therapist back in Michigan told me. I tried to be the perfect husband because I was anxious about my marriage failing. Anxious about being rejected. There’s no way to be perfect. Not for anyone, not even for yourself. If you’re trying to force yourself to be perfect, you’re anxious about something.”

She sat back against the couch, chewing over that idea.

“A lot of the time, she’ll tell me Ihaveto do something. Something I have no desire to do and doesn’t even make sense. Especially with the level of urgency that she’s pushing it. Then, once I do whatever it is, she’s happy with me again. Will even brag that I’m the perfect daughter. I wonder if she’s feeling some anxiety about something and pushing it off onto me to fix.”

“That could very well be the case,” he said. “Maybe she’s anxious about you not being under her control anymore and that’s why she doesn’t want you to follow your dreams. That’s what it really came down to with my ex. She had a deep, deep need to control me. But—” He looked down at his lap, as if he was mulling something over. “What I really mean is your ownperfectionism.” He looked back up at her. “Sure, it’s gotten you really far, but the anxiety behind it may be harming you.”

“Maybe,” she said. She wasn’t sure what else to say. She’d thought that her only anxiety came with flying. He might have a point that there was more to it. She took a deep breath.

“What I don’t understand is how my mother thinks the things she says would make me want to be around her. I’m ‘a terrible daughter.’ I’m ‘perverse and devious.’ I’m supposed to be ‘where I belong,’ ‘taking good care of my mother and making her happy.’ ”

Karim leaned into the couch and put his arm around her.

“What does that mean? ‘Taking care’ of her?” he asked.

“It could be anything. Calling me in the middle of the night—early morning for her—because she’s having a problem with her computer and wants me to fix it. For a while she would get angry with me if I didn’t file her taxes for her. Even when I was in college. I’m supposed to come up with things she can do on the weekend, and I’m supposed to be setting aside money for her retirement.”

Karim rumpled his brow again and tilted his head to the side. “Uh, all those things are her responsibility.”

“According to her, they’re mine. I’m pretty sure she feels like I owe her for raising me on her own.”

“Your parents split up?”

“My dad died when I was little.”

He pulled her into his arms. “Oh, Little Kite. I understand better now.”

“Hmm?”

“Your tattoo. When you told me that Isis was the—isthe protector of the dead. You chose the symbol for him?”

“He chose my name.” She snuggled in deeper, head under his chin. “Seemed fitting.”

Karim sighed, holding her tighter.

“It is fitting. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay. Well, I mean…it’s not like we were totally alone. I have two aunts and three uncles and spent just as much time attheir houses as I did at ours growing up. I guess she’s angry because we were such a close-knit family that me being here and not doing the same things as my cousins makes us the odd ones again?” She took several deep breaths as he rubbed her back. “But it’s not true. We aren’t that close. There’s a lot of back-stabbing and criticism. That’s why I’m happy to be so far away.”

He leaned back to meet her gaze. “You know you aren’t ‘perverse and devious,’ right? That’s a horrible thing to say to anyone and especially to you. You’re kind and giving. Look at your relationship with RJ. The way you’ve treated me. And you aren’t a disappointment. Look at everything you’ve done. There are very few women in positions of responsibility like yours, and even fewer your age. Doesn’t that count for something with your mother?”

She snuggled back into his chest, hiding her tears.

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