Page 56 of The Sign for Home

“Promise what?”

“I promise: if he and Deaf Devils not kill you, then I will meet Crazy Charles behind gym and let him kiss me again. He agree. So I go. He kiss long time. Disgusting. Other kids saw and laugh. I tell Crazy Charles,Finish, finish. No more!He say,Okay, okay.He agree, from then on, we will just friends, no more kissing, and will never hurt you again. Promise finish.”

S started to cry again, and you wanted to cry too. Not because Crazy Charles kissed S, but because your diminishing eyesight was the reason S had to both fight for you and kiss Crazy Charles. She was able to protect you, but could you protect her?

“Okay, okay,” you told S. “Don’t cry. Okay. Now we equal. I kiss and touch Marla. You kiss and touch Crazy Charles. Finish. Finish. Never again.”

“But you kiss and touch Marla because you want her, not because protect.”

“Yes. Sorry, sorry. I very wrong. Sorry. Both promise no more kissing other people, okay? But I can fight for myself, okay? No more fight for me, okay? Promise?”

“Promise,” S signed, her hands soggy with tears.

Then you lay in each other’s arms for a long time, until all the fear oflosing each other evaporated from your entwined bodies. Despite causing each other so much pain, you still were able to forgive and suddenly that precious thing you thought you had lost you found more deeply.

Your fingers caressed S’s face, feeling the salty stickiness of S’s tears in the corner of her eyelashes. You spelled the wordsI love youslowly onto her chest. Then S kissed you hard on the mouth before sliding down and blowing tickle vibrations into the skin of your belly. Then, with gentle teeth tugs, she pulled the new little hairs on your chest. This made you laugh even though it hurt. S quickly pressed her fingers against your lips, silencing you.

“Shh!” she signed. “Dorm boss have special powerful ears—like giant hearing aids. Shh. Must quiet like caterpillar.”

“Okay, okay. I will quiet like caterpillar.”

Both of you made the sign forcaterpillarthen let your caterpillars wrestle each other, then S’s caterpillar finger walked across your chest and down to your belly. Then S made her caterpillar turn into a butterfly and the butterfly flew all around your body and landed on your nose, before slowly pulling her hands from your body.

“Please continue talking to me,” you begged. “Talk to me forever until I will sleep.”

So S, her soft hands in yours, recounted more about what happened with Marla, but then you laughed, thinking how brave S was to confront someone almost twice her size, like David and Goliath. And then S told you stories about growing up in Queens, New York, and about how much she loved her mother and her aunties, and how she enjoyed playing soccer and making a sweet dessert called coconut ladoo for a holiday called Diwali. You asked S more questions, but you only half listened. Really you just wanted to feel S’s fingers making word-birds on your body. Then, snuggling under the covers, S nuzzled her nose into your fuzzy armpits, making you beg her to stop because you were laughing too hard. Quieter, S blew breath onto your eyelashes like they were the white fluffy seeds of dandelions. Then akiss on the lips, a tumble-around with the tongue, more cuddles, twisting your body into knots, more kisses until your mouths hurt. Instead of satisfying you, each kiss only made you both hungrier. For the first time S pulled your hand inside her pajama bottoms and down to that mysterious, sinful part of her body. Your fingers pressed into the soft warm wetness, while S caressed that aching part of you straining to be free. Seconds later, hands and feet, both yours and hers, pushed pajama bottoms around ankles like soft cotton shackles. Smells of spit, piss, blood, and skin all intermingled in your nose. You knew the sin you were about to commit could not be stopped. One breath. Two breaths. Three breaths.

“Please,” S begged into your hand, grinding her pelvis against you. “Want now. Please.”

“No! Stop! Maybe sin. Maybe Jehovah God angry. Maybe very, very wrong.”

S held your hands to quiet them, and then the same soft warm fingers signed, “Shh. Shh. Not sin. We love each other. Not sin.”

In the blind darkness you saw a thousand red stars coming over the horizon, but you couldn’t stop. You pushed Jehovah God from your mind.Not here, not now. No red stars.Your tongues went so deep into each other’s mouths you became one inseparable thing, two halves of chewing gum crushed between teeth.Still not close enough. Never enough.You wanted to be inside. You needed to be inside. S’s naked legs lifted around your waist. Your hips, hypnotized by the demon, rubbed your hardness against S’s soft wet opening. You felt yourself leak, and worried you had already sticky-peed on S, but S wouldn’t let you pull away. Instead, S guided you inside her. Your hearts beat together, both your bodies shook. Your cheek trembled with the vibration coming from S’s lungs and throat. You moved farther inside. Cool tears slipped down the side of your face.S’s tears? Why is S crying?You started to pull out, but S wouldn’t allow it. You felt the heat and liquid of S’s insides grip you as you began to thrust hard, then harder. It. Felt. So. Good. You could not control yourself any longer. One morethrust, and your body convulsed into a wave of shivers as a stream of sticky pee flooded deep inside. Breathing in unison. One breath, two breaths, three breaths.

You both lay together for a long time with your sweaty, sticky bodies clinging to each other. Jehovah God tried to creep back into your head, but you wouldn’t let Him. Not at that moment. There was only enough room for you and S. Then, with her nose pressed into your cheek, you could feel S’s tiny sleepy snores blow bubbles into the remains of her tears.

In the morning, after you came back from your shower, the dorm boss was waiting for you in your room.

“There’s blood on your sheets,” the dorm boss signed. “Did you cut yourself?”

Blood?Your stomach tightened, and your face flushed hot. Without warning, the dorm boss yanked the towel from your waist and examined your naked grown-up body as if you were a little child.

“I can’t see anything,” she signed.

Where could the blood have come from?You were too worried to even be embarrassed that the dorm boss was still looking at your nakedness. Suddenly, you remembered S’s tears, and your hungry embrace.I did hurt her! Why didn’t she say anything?You lied to the dorm boss about forgetting you had a nosebleed the previous night. She told you to gather your sheets and take them to the laundry room. When she had gone, you took out your magnifying glass and searched the sheets until you located the dark red-brown patch of S’s blood. You pressed your nose into the stain and breathed in the smell of blood, sticky pee, spit, sweat, and human. It was hard to distinguish what was S and what was you. You pulled the bloody sheets up against your body and rubbed them onto your chest, arms, face, and hair. S loved you so much that she spilled her blood for you. You wanted it with you forever.

22THE GIVEBACK

It was Friday morning when my phone rang at 6 a.m. I immediately recognized the familiar rasp on the other end. It was Ange from the agency.

“Hey there, Cy! How’s it going?”

“Jesus, Ange, why are you calling this early? Why’s your number blocked?”

“Sorry. Calling from my weekend house in Hudson. I just got a call for an emergency Tactile interpreting gig in Rochester at noon today. Important conference. The scheduled terp—a real fuck-twat—called out last-minute. Pays seventy per hour emergency rate. Will be a total of sixteen hours over the weekend and includes transportation. We’re talking at least sixteen hundred. I need an answer now.”

Ugh, I thought, and remembered how much I could use the money for my move to Philly in September. Still, something else was tugging at me.

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