Page 63 of The Sign for Home

“Maybe Cyril thought, because of your religion, he needed to be careful. Maybe he was afraid you would think he’s a bad man because he’s gay?”

“No. Jesus loving everyone! JW loving everyone. Jesus loving gay people just like regular people. But GAY SEX meaning BAD SIN. Jesus say IF no doing gay sex then OK. Fine. No problem. Jehovah God saying GAY people was OK! Can will be save and maybe goes to heaven. Just NOT DO GAY SEX.”

Hanne doesn’t even think before typing back:

“Do you really believe gay sex is a sin? Aren’t there things you do that are sinful? Is that why you’re afraid to finish your story?”

Your hands reach to type a response. You could lie or tell the truth. If you lie, you might bring Hanne closer to Jehovah and salvation. If you tell the truth, you might bring yourself closer to Hanne—the sorceress.What do you really want?You type:

“Yes. I honest. I doing sin. Bad sin. I told you before. Long time ago. I was loving someone. I doing sex with someone but no married. Badthings happen. Heartbreak. But I stopping sin. Later I baptize. I asking Jehovah God forgiveness. I pure now. Action pure.”

“Really? Only pure?”

Again, it must be sorcery and the Devil, because without thinking your hands type almost automatically:

“OK, that lying too. I still do sin. But not worse sin. Not like Cyril sin. He force me telling him secrets then he not telling me secrets! Unfair!”

Hanne types:

“Cyril makes me really angry sometimes. In fact, we had a big fight a couple of weeks ago. But now I’m not mad at him anymore. I’ll tell you a secret about Cyril: He doesn’t like to open up to people. It took him a long time to tell me any of his secrets.”

“Cyril wrong! He so selfish!”

“I don’t know. He doesn’t think of himself as selfish. He thinks he’s just being professional. Instead of selfish, I think he’s more afraid to let anyone get to know him. He’s lonely too. It’s hard to be gay in Poughkeepsie. It’s hard to be anyone in Poughkeepsie! Ha ha!”

“I know. Ha ha. But September Cyril moving to Philadelphia. Will happy there.”

“Ha ha! Cyril won’t move. He is always talking about leaving Poughkeepsie, but he never does.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Cyril always says he’s going to take this class or that class or go to graduate school or start his own interpreting agency or take a trip to Europe. Now he says he’s moving to Philadelphia for a job offer. He won’t. We’ve been over this many times together. At least I am going to nursing school. Cyril is just so stuck, and he’s angry at himself about it. But I understand. It’s hard to change things when you are older after life has disappointed you. You become more afraid.”

You think about Cyril and the story of him being afraid. You assumed Cyril, like all hearing-sighted people, had an easy life, where things likework and relationships were just a matter of picking one, like the miniature toy chests in your old doctor’s office: just reach inside and grab. But Cyril’s life is different than you imagined. When the class is over and you go to Ecuador, he won’t be going to Philadelphia. Even though it is a sin, you wish Cyril could meet another nice gay man and stop being stuck and lonely.

You type to Hanne:

“OK OK. You was RIGHT! I not mad at Cyril anymore for keeping secret. I not mad he leaved me alone today with bad interpreter. Cyril good man, good interpreter. I sorry.”

Hanne reaches over and ruffles her fingers through your wet hair like you’re a little kid and she’s your mother. You reach up to feel Hanne’s wrist and hand. She lets you linger. Her wrist feels nice, but her fingers are knobby like you remember. Hanne takes her hand away, but lets it slide through your hand slowly. This makes you nervous, excited, and confused.

Hanne types:

“Can you do me a favor?”

“What?”

“Can you at least try to finish your story? If we keep things inside too tightly, they can destroy us. Trust me.”

“Will bad trouble.”

“Okay. It’s up to you. But, if you won’t show me your story, how about before I get you home, you let me cut your hair?”

“No thank you. Brother Birch cutting my hair last week.”

“Ugh! To be honest, it looks like someone cut it with a bowl. You would look much more handsome if you let me cut it. I’m very good at cutting hair.”

You don’t want to look like someone cut your hair with a bowl. But if you let Hanne cut your hair, then she might tell you more secrets, and let you touch her in the way she just did, and then things might get more dangerous. You definitely should not let Hanne cut your hair.

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