Page 88 of The Sign for Home

“Is there anyone I can talk to about this?” I asked, a quaver in my voice. “A detective or investigator? Can I at least defend myself?”

Clara stepped to the door and opened it. She was done with me.

“Arlo and his family just want this nightmare to be over, which may be lucky for you in the long run. I’m sorry, I have work to do.”

A moment later I was standing in the hot sun outside the building.Inside me there was only fog. The one thing that worked in my life—interpreting—I was on the brink of losing.What am I if I’m no longer an interpreter?Then an even more crushing realization laid a hook into my brain:What if Arlo believes the lies they’re telling him? What if he comes to think that everything I’ve done for him I did for some perverted reason?I went to my car, sat behind the burning-hot wheel, and started to sob.

39CONFRONTATION

Brother Birch stopped letting you go to your writing class because of what happened the day of the field trip. He also changed the password for the internet and won’t tell you. Now you can’t even read JW.org at home. Instead, you take the Able-Ride to the Kingdom Hall and sit in the reading room all day pretending to read the braille Bible. Brother Birch says you won’t be able to use the internet until he feels you are free from unholy influences. At least once a day, in his bad sign language, he reminds you how much he cares for you and wants you to be safe. You pretend that you understand, and that you have forgiven Brother Birch for destroying your life, and that you are planning on still going to Ecuador. But you haven’t and you aren’t.

You know he feels guilty and is suffering, which makes you happy even if it’s not enough.It’s not nearly enough.Mrs. Brother Birch went to stay with her mother for a few days, and now, following church rules, Molly must wait outside, even when she comes to take you to the Kingdom Hall. If Brother Birch wants her to interpret, he has to go there so other people are around. Soon Brother Birch will be in Ecuador, and Molly will be stuck here.

Brother Birch must feel very lonely.

Molly must feel very lonely.

Good.

Your fingertips ride across the bumpy page of the braille Bible. The spaces and rows between the raised dots become escape routes: roads, rivers, train tracks, mountains, valleys, a wilderness of words. You fantasize about carrying Shri over the sublime mountains. Using her strong and perfect eyes, Shri will tell you which way to go, which rocks to avoid, which way cars are coming. Snap will come too.

You will all befree.

Your skin vibrates when you think of that beautiful word,free. To have no one lying to you, no one controlling you, no one telling you where to be at what time. You would just run and run and run. Just you, Shri, and Snap forever.

Someone taps you on the shoulder, stabbing a pin in your fantasy. It’s Molly.

“Sorry to bother you. May I say something?”

“I don’t want talk,” you say. “Go away.”

You jerk your hands from her and immediately sit on them, employing the DeafBlind superpower to instantly make someone disappear. Gone. Nothing. Molly and her lies cannot touch you now.

But then she tries something she has never tried before. She uses that special Protactile technique she learned from Cyril and draws a question mark on your shoulder. In that small, weak gesture you can feel her begging you for your forgiveness. It’s not enough. You want to punish her.

“What?” you finally sign, annoyed. “Bother me, what for? Finish! Go away!”

Still she offers her hands. You pay attention only so you can reject her again.

“Please let me explain,” she begs. “I need to tell you my side of the story.”

“No! You lie! You say Shri dead. You destroy my life! Finish you!”

“We were only trying to do the right thing. Do you understand? The trouble that was happening at school, we were worried for your soul. But I know now that I was wrong. Please, please, forgive me.”

You shake your head no and turn away, a hateful look on your face. Molly’s pitiful fingers tap you again on the shoulder.

“Please,” Molly pleads. “I care about you so much. You know that. We’ve been friends for so long.”

You push Molly’s hands away.

“No more!” you yell. “You not my friend. Never again! Cyril and Hanne my best friends! They understand me deep. Why? Because they understand what it means to really cherish someone. Not you!”

Molly reaches for your hands to speak again, but you push her away again and laugh in a very mean way.

“You pea brain, Molly! Ha ha! I know truth! You commit sin with Brother Birch, right? You two sex together, right? You love him. But, because JW, Brother Birch tell you,Molly, go away!What happen? You cry cry cry. I know you cry! I feel wet tears all over your fingers at Public Talk. You chase Brother Birch and beg take you back. He refuse. You let him go. You say,Oh, poor me, poor me, Jehovah God want Molly be alone! Wah wah wah!You like scared, sad baby. You will never find new love. No. You just accept, accept. Molly will alone, always alone. Knees shaking. Hide yourself in Kingdom Hall. You sad old woman, Molly. You very sad old woman. You will die alone. Me pity you. Pity pity pity. Fuck you!”

You turn away. Your body is shaking. This time Molly doesn’t reach out to touch you or beg your forgiveness again. You can feel her body standing there, filling the space like an empty coat rack someone placed where it shouldn’t be. A few moments later you feel her small feet walk across the room. She doesn’t slam the door. She is too afraid of Jehovah God to slam anything. She is done with you. And you are done with her forever.

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