Page 58 of The Sign for Home

It was late September of your senior year when you felt the footsteps of the dorm boss that one night and S had to drop down on the side of the bed and hide underneath until the coast was clear.

“Was someone else in your room last night?” the dorm boss asked you the next day.

After that, you decided you needed to be more careful. Martin told you about a private place called the Secret Forest. It wasn’t really a forest. It was the long thick row of forsythia bushes that formed a tunnel of branches along the back wall of Forsythia House—the only building at the Rose Garden School that actually had the plants for which the dorm was named. Inside the Secret Forest, generations of Deaf students had dug holes in the dirt, which they covered with old salvaged plywood. These small subterranean cubbyholes were where the students could smokecigarettes, cut class, play sex games, and do other sinful things away from the eyes of adults.

Martin, who had taken other boys back there, told you that you could only go to the Secret Forest at night to be safe.

“Last week, during daytime, Deaf Devils catch kids doing sex in Secret Forest and beat them. Kids don’t tell about beating… Why? Because Crazy Charles will tell Principal about secret, dirty sex and then send kids to Dogwood. But nighttime you and S will be okay. Mean Deaf boys too afraid of ghost Angry John to look in holes at night.”

Big Head Lawrence had never gone into the Secret Forest because it wasn’t safe, and also because no one wanted to play with him in that way. Big Head Lawrence pretended he didn’t care, but you knew he did. You told him that someday he would meet a girl who didn’t mind about his head, because Big Head Lawrence had a good strong body, was excellent in math, and had handsome hands that said smart and funny things.

“Girls do not do sex with Big Head Lawrence because mean girls say he ugly,” S told you later. “Not fair some boys pretty like you, and some ugly like Big Head Lawrence.”

You wanted to tell S about how well you understood the unfairness of life. Crazy Charles picking on weaker students was not fair. Sighted-hearing people withholding information was not fair. Having to live with Brother Birch and his wife was not fair. Your mother dying was not fair. Going blind was not fair. It was also unfair that Jehovah God would send a person you loved to eternal death just because of what they believed or didn’t believe. This felt like the most unfair thing of all at that moment. But you just shook your head sadly and agreed with S because even thinking about all that made your head hurt.

Your mind jumps.

The last whole day you spent with S:

It was a Saturday? Sunday? You were lying with S under a pile of dried leaves like you used to when you were a child. The shimmering sunlight and S’s warm body made the chill bearable. Twigs and leaves tickled you. You smelled fires burning, earth, and S’s smooth dark skin. You and S pressed your bodies closer, melting together like two unwrapped candy bars left in your pocket on a hot day. Where did S’s body begin? Where did yours end? Your tongue tasted S’s spit and played with her rubbery ears and soft sweet nipples, which you kissed. Your hand slipped into S’s jeans and made her body quiver. You lifted your fingers to your nose and mouth. You wanted S’s scent and taste inside you, the way you put yourself inside S.

“I want hold your hand in cafeteria,” you told S. “Why you not let me?”

“Deaf always gossip,” she explained. “Suppose Crazy Charles tells family and his family tell my family? Then I would be in big trouble, and my auntie would tell school to send me to Dogwood. And we would never see each other again.”

You knew S was right. It would be a disaster if Brother Birch or Molly found out. You had already committed unforgivable sins with S. Red star sins. Brother Birch, being an elder at the Kingdom Hall, might shun you. Where would you live in the summertime? Who would help you when you graduated? No, neither S’s family nor yours could know you were together. It was like that story you had learned about in English class calledRomeo and Juliet. Molly had left out some of the best parts, but Big Head Lawrence told you the whole story later, with lots of good description.Romeo and Julietwas a story about a boy and girl who fell in love, but they were from families that hated each other. They got married anyway and had sex. But then when they planned to run away together they made very stupid mistakes. The girl pretended she was dead until the boy got back but forgot to tell the boy she was faking. The boy thought the girl was really dead and got so sad that he killed himself. Then the girl woke up and saw the boy was really dead, so she killed herself. It was the saddest story youever heard. Would you and S end up like Romeo and Juliet? Just like them, your families would hate each other. That was why you and S had to be sneaky quiet in the Secret Forest and make sure you never ended up killing yourselves.

“Important,” S signed. “Always communicate with each other—must! No lies. No secrets. Agree?”

“Agree.”

24RAINSTORM

It has been a very frustrating Friday. Cyril didn’t show up at your English Comp class today because he had to take an emergency job in Rochester. You are left with Molly and a substitute interpreter named Justin. When Justin spells his name in your hand, he fumbles nervously, and you can already tell he has never done Tactile ASL before and isn’t even a good signer. Molly asks Justin why no one told him that he was supposed to wear a solid black shirt, instead of the light-colored shirt that is close to his skin tone. She explains to him that it will be hard for you to locate his hands without the contrast in color.

You are very very annoyed but try not to show it.

When it’s Justin’s turn to interpret, his hands are shaking, and he pulls them away from you every chance he gets. Despite Molly’s instruction, he signs so big that he drags your hands around like it’s a Tactile rodeo. Your head aches. Your arms ache. When the professor asks you a question, you can’t answer since you haven’t understood anything Justin has interpreted.

Molly finally shoves Justin out of the way and takes over.

“So, Mr. Dilly,” the professor repeats, angrily. “I asked, have you made any progress with your next assignment?”

You tell the professor that you haven’t started the assignment. This is a lie, because you have started it. You tell the professor that you will get it to her by next week. This is also a lie. You will never turn in the assignment. Red star.

When the professor returns to talking to the whole class, Molly quickly asks you what assignment the professor is talking about. You lie to her too. Lying has become very easy.

“Like last assignment. Read poem. Respond. Same.”

Luckily, Molly is so bothered by Justin’s bad interpreting that she doesn’t ask more questions. To make it less awful for you, Molly changes the amount of time they take turns interpreting. Molly goes for twenty minutes, and then lets Justin interpret for just five minutes to give Molly a break. Despite your previous anger at Molly’s betrayal of Cyril, you are grateful to her. Molly has always been there for you in times like this. Now you are mad at Cyril. Besides prying into your personal business without sharing anything of himself, he was very wrong to take another job and leave you alone at the hands of an incompetent interpreter.

At the end of the class, Justin runs out of the room without even saying goodbye.

Good.

“I’m sorry,” Molly says. “I promise he won’t be back. I’ll let the agency know. I can’t believe Cyril canceled at the last minute like this. For what? To take another job. It’s completely irresponsible and selfish. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t say anything.”

You thank Molly for saving you and jumping in to interpret for you. Molly is right. Cyril is irresponsible and selfish. You can tell Molly’s hands are aching. When you were younger, she once had to wear a brace on her wrist and go to physical therapy because she hurt herself interpreting for you. Working with the DeafBlind is harder on an interpreter’s body because of pressure from the weight of a DeafBlind person’s hands. Now you feel guilty times three. Guilty from maybe hurting Molly, and guilty from maybe getting Cyril into more trouble, and guilty for promising the professor that you would turn something in that you have no intention of turning in, but still writing something you were not supposed to write, which is also betraying Jehovah God and Brother Birch… so that’s times four… or five?

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