Page 71 of The Sign for Home

“Are you jealous? Is that it, Cyrilje? Huh? Are you upset that I fucked the handsome DeafBlind boy? Or is it that you wanted to fuck him yourself?”

Hanne’s eyes locked onto mine, as if I was the one under interrogation now.

“Fuck you,” I said, lowering my voice to a whisper. “You know me better than that.”

As soon as I responded, I somehow still felt guilty. Intellectually I knew I was telling the truth, but at the same time I was also lying to myself about something. Was she right? Had I been suppressing an attraction to Arlo? Was that why I had become so invested in him? No. That wasn’t it. And all of a sudden it was like a hidden chamber in my brain opened up, and I suddenly had a foggy sense of some deeper truth I hadn’t acknowledged. No, I didn’t want to have sex with Arlo. I wanted to save him—or was it someone else I wanted to save?

“I just want Arlo to have a chance,” I said. “What’s happening to him is just not fair. I think that’s why I’ve gotten in way over my head.”

Hanne took my hand. Her eyes softened, and all her anger and sarcasm disappeared.

“I’m sorry, Cy,” she said. “Ach, I’m a stupid bitch. I know you’re not like that. I was obviously projecting. Forgive me?”

“I want to. I really do. But you shouldn’t have fucked him, Hanne. What if he develops feelings for you? He’s already struggling with so much.”

Hanne briefly covered her face with her hand. I couldn’t tell if she was about to cry again or laugh.

“Cyrilje, I have an even worse confession,” she whispered. “A real one this time. I didn’t fuck him.”

“Didn’t… like didnot?”

Hanne nodded. She was telling the truth. I was so relieved I burst into laughter. Hanne joined in, but her laugh was smaller, almost melancholy.

“Oh my God, you totally had me there,” I said with a laughing sigh. “I hate you for doing that but thank you very much for not trying to have sex with my consumer.”

Hanne’s eyes, dampening, did a coquettish circle and she bit her lower lip.

“You know me better than that, Cyrilje,” she said. “Bwah! Of course I wanted to have sex with him. I practically sat on his face, but…”

Hanne took a deep breath and then covered her face with her hand again like a child trying to hide. I wanted to be furious at her, but I couldn’t. Hanne was Hanne. She would never try to take advantage of someone. After a moment she gathered herself.

“So I was cutting his hair, and he reached up and held my wrist for a moment, following my movements so intensely. It was one of the most sensual things I’ve ever felt. I assumed he was hitting on me. I didn’t know what to do. I mean, I felt like his mother, but also… I mean, he’s so attractive, and I thought,Should I be treating him any differently?We’re both adults, and you know, it’s been six months since Curtis and I… whatever. Anyway, I started to respond a little. Flirting. You know, letting my hips and chest graze against him as I used the scissors and comb. Then he kissed me, and so I kissed him back. And it got a little heavier. So I unbuttoned my shirt, and we were touching each other, just sweetly, exploring each other’s bodies, but then he…”

Hanne looked around the store to make sure the counter staff weren’t listening. Then with a pained expression on her face, she gestured toward her lap.

“He lost it… you know what I mean? Everything just stopped. And when I looked up into his eyes, oh, Cy, he was crying. I felt so embarrassed and disgusted with myself, and I thought:What the fuck am I doing?So we both got our clothes back in order, and I finished cutting his hair. I tried to act like it was all nothing. Stupid, vain slut that I am, I thought he had cried because of not being able to perform. But then he got out that communication-keyboard thing he uses and we typed back and forth and back and forth.”

Hanne took a sip of her coffee. Blew her nose.

“Well,” I said. “What did he say?”

“A lot.MijnGod! For someone who struggles with English he has a lot to say. But the problem is I promised him I’d never tell anyone what happened. And I’ve already said too much. But, I guess my point is, I just completely misunderstood him. I thought maybe it was his religion that had messed him up in the head. Or he was just too innocent or something. But it was none of that, it was…”

She wiped her eyes and did her best to control her emotions.

“I think he thought he wanted to have casual sex, but when it came down to it, he realized he didn’t—at least not with me. He wanted something deeper that I couldn’t offer. I’m so used to straight men, you know, automatically responding to me in a physical way. For a moment I thought,Is something wrong with me on the inside?Like is my soul ugly? Ugh, I sound like an egomaniac. Of course, he apologized profusely. Poor thing. He felt so guilty. He did the whole DeafBlind version of the ‘Let’s just be friends’ bullshit. Ha! Rejected by a boy who can’t even see or hear me?”

Hanne snorted a tearful laugh.

“What do DeafBlind guys know?” I joked, reaching for her hand.

“It’s not funny, Cyrilje,” she said, in gentle reprimand. “Anyway, then Arlo types about how ‘Cyril says you’re very smart and beautiful and a good friend,’ and he thanked me for ‘thinking he was handsome,’ and all sorts of other sweet things. But then, and this is the really weird part, out of nowhere Arlo asks me…”

Hanne started to laugh quietly to herself, recalling a memory.

“What?”

“He asked me if I didsorcery.”

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