Page 79 of The Sign for Home

What? What?!Your body begins to quake. Your heart vibrates inside the liquid of your own confusion. You might vomit.Shri is alive? Shri… is alive?!You are lost between truths.Could Larry just have gotten it wrong? He’s deaf and blind, after all. Molly and Brother Birch see perfectly, hear perfectly. They are good Christians. Molly told you Shri was dead. Brother Birch told you so too. The investigators? Didn’t they tell you Shri was dead? No, they thought you had raped Shri. They said Shri jumped off the building, but they never said the worddead.

“You saw Shri alive? True business?”

“I didn’t see, but Em saw. Before they good friends. Two or three years ago, Em visited Shri. Shri lives in a place in Queens. Place like half apartment, half hospital. Em say Shri stuck there like prison. Shri’s mother move back to India, and aunts and uncles almost never visit. Not fair. Very sad story. You should visit! I bet Shri still in love with you!”

Is this another bad dream waiting to trick you? You ask Larry to repeat the story three more times. Shri fell (or was pushed) from the roof. The Deaf students saw them take S’s living body away. The teachers told the students that Shri was seriously injured but would live. Even Em and Marla visited S in the hospital. Everyone thought you disappeared but would return to rescue S. But you didn’t.

Larry is telling the truth. This is not a dream.

Your mind scans that moment Molly told you the terrible news five and a half years before. Her hands were shaking, her tone unreal. Was she shaking because she was upset or because…

Molly and Brother Birch lied to you?

You can’t breathe. Your body trembles. An explosion of emotion goes off in your brain: buildings crumble, sidewalks crack, bridges collapse. Snap scratches her paw on your thigh, trying to calm you down. But you can’t be calm. Your world has been turned right-side up. You are laughing, crying, and in a rage all at the same time. For the first time in five and a half years you let the full, complete idea of Shri back inside your brain. Shri is alive! You start slapping your hands on Larry’s body.

“Why hit me?” Larry asks, annoyed. “What for? You epilepsy attack?”

Larry’s confusion makes you laugh and cry harder. You take deep breaths and steady yourself. You assure Snap and Larry that you are okay. Then, very slowly, you recount the story of the last five and a half years, repeating the lies Molly and Brother Birch told you. You tell of the promises you made to forget, and all the tricks you had to play on yourself so you wouldn’t drown in the quicksand of sadness. Larry shares your anger atMolly and Brother Birch. He apologizes for thinking the worst of you, and vows to tell Martin and the others the truth.

“Doesn’t matter,” you tell him. “I must go see Shri now. Help me! Show me where now!”

“Calm down,” Larry warns. “Must calm. Remember… your uncle and Molly will try and stop you. They liars. Must smart. Must keep secret. Go slowly. We need research problem. Step-by-step.”

You know your old friend is right. You take deep breaths. You try to make your pounding heart stay calm, but you know it’s no use. Shri is alive.

34ALONE AGAIN

You wake up and it’s a sticky, hot Wednesday morning. You stretch your body, squeezing the sleep from your muscles. Instead of your usual morning sadness, there is another feeling tingling at the top of your skin…Hope? Wait… that’s right… not a dream… S is alive!

Swirls of light and joy whip around your insides. You pummel your bed with your fists and legs, wanting even the room to vibrate with happiness. But then you quiet yourself. Larry warned that you needed a plan. If you let Brother Birch or Molly know, you may never get to S.

But what about the hatred that burns in your belly? Just how many lies did they tell? Was it true how your mother, Alma, died? Was it true how your father left? And what about Jehovah God? Jesus? The 144,000 saved souls who will immediately ascend to heaven while the others need to wait for Judgment Day? When people lie, they take away your ability to make a real decision. They take away your ability to be happy. It is as if, for five and a half years, Molly and Brother Birch rearranged the furniture of your life, and you have constantly been tripping ever since. Worse, they have condemned poor S to be locked away, alone, in some horrible place, thinking you stopped caring.

That! Thatcan never be forgiven!

Your heart pounds with rage.If only they could feel the pain that’s consumed me for the last five and a half years.But as soon as your mind turnsto thoughts of cold revenge, the sunlight of the moment warms you again, causing you to remember thatShri is alive!

Very soon you will be able to touch Shri’s hand, taste her sweet mouth, smell her turmeric-and-coriander breath. You twist your sheet into a ball and pretend it’s Shri’s smaller body wrapped up in your long limbs. You linger in the fantasy briefly before you leap from your bed, thinking,Time to work on a plan.

After dressing yourself, you put Snap’s harness on and give her extra scratches on her favorite spot, where her spine meets the top of her tail. Your head fills with fantasies of escape. You picture Shri, using her keen, lucid vision, leading you on the getaway, as Snap snarls and bites Brother Birch and Molly, who follow close behind. You imagine your enemies throwing Bibles at you, shouting about how you will die an eternal death if you don’t follow what they say. You and Shri will laugh at them and say:Jehovah God is on our side now! As is the Blue God! And the Elephant God!Then you and Shri will jump on Snap’s strong back as if she’s a horse and ride off far ahead of Molly and Brother Birch, who will be too out of breath to follow.

You will be free.

Brother Birch sits in the kitchen when you enter. You remove all emotion from your face and say good morning. As Larry said, you must keep everything secret until you have a plan. You say a fake prayer, then eat a piece of white toast with grape jelly.

Brother Birch stops you from eating to sign in his shitty sign language, “Remember, Arlo, Jehovah God… see you… see, see. Careful! You cannot H-I-D-E.”

Why did he say that? Could someone have seen you yesterday and told Brother Birch about you and Larry at the Amtrak station? You force yourself to finish eating. Just as you are leaving your seat, Brother Birch grabs your wrist and pulls you back down.

“I know what you D-I-D!” Brother Birch signs. “I know what you wrote in the E-S-S-A-Y! Not O-B-E-Y me! You lie! You C-O-M-M-I-T-T-E-D bad sin!”

The essay? He’s talking about the essay. It’s not about Larry. Why is he bringing up the essay again? He still doesn’t know what you wrote since you deleted the file from your computer. Only Hanne and the professor have a copy. Did they betray you? You stall, pretending you didn’t understand Brother Birch’s signs.

“Sorry. Don’t understand. Say again.”

“You lie!” Brother Birch shouts in his awful signing. “I find the E-S-S-A-Y in the trash F-O-L-D-E-R on the C-O-M-P-U-T-E-R. Bad boy! Bad boy! You try to… H-I-D-E… E-S-S-A-Y from me! You break P-R-O-M-I-S-E to me and to Jehovah God! I am not happy! Jehovah God is not happy!”

You did not know there was something called a trash folder on the computer. You thought once you deleted a document it was gone forever. Another violation of your trust. Your heart bursts into flames yet again. Is it time to take Brother Birch by the throat and tell him you know he’s been lying to you? Is it time to pummel his face until your knuckles feel the bones of his skull? No. Not yet. Larry would tell you to hold it inside. Wait for the right time. For now, pretend to feel confused and sorry. Make your eyebrows, like contortionists, bend themselves into unnatural contrition. Tell Brother Birch that it was the professor’s idea to write the essay, and it was for her eyes only, and so you didn’t think it would count as disobeying him. Brother Birch grabs your hands, silencing you.

---