Page 51 of Disco Witches of Fire Island

“I’ve heard,” Howie said, half-heartedly. “Everybody’s been talking about it. I didn’t know Ronnie was seeing someone new. What happened to Vince?”

“It was just a fuck-buddy thing—according to Ronnie anyway. He’s been hot-and-heavy with the new guy for weeks. Says it’s his affirmations paying off.” Joe rolled his eyes. “His name is Trey something. Know him?”

“I can’t say that I do,” Howie said.

For a moment it looked like Joe wanted to say something else, but then he stopped himself, just like all the other times.If he doesn’t share whatever he’s hiding, it will eventually consume him,Howie thought.Holding things in can make anyone prey to the Great Darkness, whether they are the chosen one or not.

“What?” Joe said. “Why are you staring at me like that?”

“No reason,” Howie said. “It’s just, did something happen on Memorial Day weekend?”

Joe’s eyebrows bunched suspiciously. “Why’d you ask that?”

“You’ve seemed out of sorts ever since.”

“Nothing happened,” Joe insisted a little too forcefully. “I’ve just been bored. Ronnie’s off dating Trey, which has also put Vince in a bad mood. Elena’s been all wrapped up with AA and that girlCleigh from the grocery store. I’ve been trying to meet guys out here, but no one I like seems interested.”

“I doubt that, with the way men talk about you on this island. You’re very attractive, Joe.”

“No, I’m not,” Joe said. “The only people who hit on me are old men or guys who just want to say they fucked the bartender—you know how it is out here. The only time I came close to hooking up was after I got obliterated on those damned Knockout punches. It was with that asshole Fergal of all godforsaken people.”

“You and Fergal the ferryman almost hooked up?” Howie’s belly gurgled with glee at the idea. “Impressive. He’s very picky as well as adorable. I was starting to worry we had jumped the gun on our estimation of his shifting sexual proclivities.”

“You didn’t jump the gun. He’s definitely into dudes. But it doesn’t matter. I screwed it up big time.”

“Hmm,” Howie said, mostly to himself. “So, Fergal is the reason you’ve been in such a state the past few weeks?”

“No, I’m not in a state about Fergal,” Joe snapped. “Fuck that guy. I’m in a state about this bullshit island. It’s not the right place for me. Also, working out here doesn’t make it easy to date or even have fun. I don’t get out until five in the morning, and none of the stuck-up renters have any interest in dating a bartender.

Howie shook his head as he put the watering can down and proceeded to pull out any dead leaves from between the impatiens blossoms. “Let me tell you something, Joseph. If you’re not connecting with other young men, it’s not because you’re a bartender. Like I said, you may just not be ready. No one can predict when the Great Goddess Mother will bestow either sex or love on us. She has her reasons.”

Joe huffed a big exasperated breath. “Who exactly is the Great Goddess Mother, anyway?”

Howie smiled at the sight of Joe’s sweet, frustrated eyebrows. He wished he could tell him everything, but it still wasn’t time. “That’s just the name we use for our favorite deity—like the good that’s in most people. It really doesn’t matter. My point is, it’s best not to aim too hard for love or you’ll miss it. It’s not a fixed target, after all. Your job is to heal, then just wait and see what the universeputs in your path—love and sex will come. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“I guess the Great Goddess Mother loves Ronnie more,” Joe said sarcastically. “He sure hasn’t had any problems hooking up.”

“Well, Ronnie’s got confidence, and despite whatever hardship he’s suffered in his life, there is something fearless about him. That’s why he’s having more experiences. To be quite honest, in many ways—and don’t tell Ronnie I said this—you’re far more attractive.”

“Oh, come on.” A sudden vulnerability flushed Joe’s cheeks. “If I’m so great, then why did Fergal practically run away from me?”

“Well, what happened exactly?”

“We made out and it was really, really hot, and I suggested we, ya know, take it a little further. But then I said something totally stupid, and I apologized and all, but he got this disgusted look on his face and left, like I was dirt or something. Wouldn’t even let me explain.”

“Hmm,” Howie said. “I’ve known Fergal most of his life. He’s not the type who would just walk away for no reason. Unfortunately, when people like him feel strongly for someone, it can be overwhelming.”

“Trust me,” Joe snorted. “The only feeling he was having for me was repulsion.”

Howie smiled. “There’s also the possibility he knew you weren’t ready.”

“I don’t think someone could be as ready as me.” Joe sighed, looking up into the mulberry tree. Its leaves painted lace shadows across his face. “You know what I really hate about AIDS? I mean, besides it killing people?” He looked back at Howie. “It makes love almost impossible.”

“I’m not sure I agree,” Howie said. “Quite the opposite. I think the crisis has shown us what loving really is.” Joe looked ready to speak, and Howie’s hopes rose, but once again Joe appeared to silence himself. Finally fed up, Howie exploded. “Stop that, Joseph! The Gnostic Gospels say, ‘Bring forth what is within you and it will save you. If you do not bring it forth it will destroy you.’ So, enough with your avoiding me—tell me what’s going on!”

“Fine,” Joe said, meeting Howie’s level of frustration. “You want me tobring it forth? How do I fall in love again when they say fifty percent of gay men out here are probably infected with HIV? If I fall in love with a positive guy again, then I’m back to where I was with Elliot—always worrying about losing him or getting infected myself. And if I fall in love with someone HIV negative, then I’d worry I was just loving him because he’s negative; or, more likely, I’ll feel guilty as hell that I’m having a life when Elliot had to die.” Howie reached for Joe, but Joe stepped back as if the touch might turn off the spigot gushing from his soul. “Then there’s my other dirty little secret,” he continued, his voice clawing through the ache. “Maybe I was only able to love Elliotbecausehe was dying. Maybe I need a giant exit sign in any relationship because I’m actually incapable of real love.” Joe pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. “Fuck! I just want my head to be quiet!”

“It’s all right, Joe,” Howie whispered, longing to hug the boy. “I understand.”

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