Page 59 of What I Like About You

you’re just figuring this out?

1:22 PM

come on, learning to use editing software is a skill, not, like, a whole freaking ART

1:23 PM

Okay maybe not the art part. But I’m just saying, if you can shoot and edit a video in high-def, you can learn HTML

1:24 PM

but why learn HTML when I have you

1:24 PM

HA. But seriously. You’re getting the BookCon panel. You know that right?

1:25 PM

maybe? i hope so? a girl can dream …

1:25 PM

So you want it now?

1:25 PM

i’ve always wanted it. i think i just believe it’s a little more possible now??

1:28 PM

It’s always been possible for you.

1:28 PM

i appreciate the optimism on my behalf

1:31 PM

My face flushes. I can’t talk to Nash now without picturing him here, in front of me, speaking words. I used to spend so much time wondering who Nash isoffline, if the real him could possibly live up to the profile. I can’t do that anymore, because Nash isn’t an internet persona. I don’t get to imagine who he is—he’s exactly who I thought he was, maybe even more.

Ilikewho he is.

So even though these DMs are like every other conversation we’ve ever had, they feel off. I want to tell him about the paint, about Gramps and things getting an incremental step better.

Nash wouldn’t have tried so hard if he didn’t at least like Halle- me enough to want to be friends, right?

I stare at my phone, rereading our most recent messages until my vision blurs. We could have this—the banter, the real conversations, all of it—IRL. For the first time, I let myself imagine it and it’s not so scary anymore.

I owe Nash the truth.

But first, I owe him an apology.

I can’t tell him the truth when he’s mad at me. If I open up to him and he doesn’t take it well, all it takes is one tweet to shatter the persona I’ve crafted. I’m not ready to be Halle online and open myself up like that. The trolling about Alanna has been bad enough—if they make the connection that I’m Miriam Levitt’s granddaughter, I’ll be even more in focus. And it’ll influence the BookCon decision.

Kels needs to get the BookCon panel first.

It’ll prove to NYU that I’m enough without Grams’ editorial legacy.

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