Page 92 of Friends with Benefits

Happy.

THE SHIVA

Theo

Theo’s mom dies the day before his birthday. It’s a Monday in May. She’s bones. So small in the hospital bed a hospice nurse set up in their living room two weeks ago. Not at all how he wants to remember her. Theo and Jacob wheel the bed to the back patio so Lori can feel the sun one more time. They don’t speak. Jacob is furious that Theo took Lori’s side when she told them she wanted to stop treatment. Theo is pissed that Jacob wanted to prolong her pain. It’s easier to direct their anger at each other than to acknowledge how fucking powerless they are. Evelyn is there, too. She sits between Theo and Jacob. Talks for them. Theo holds his mom’s hand, his final words to her two truths and one lie.

I love you.

It’s okay.

I’ll be okay.

Lori squeezes his hand.

And then she lets go.

Twenty-four hours later, he stands next to Jacob in an ill-fitting suit. Lori made all the necessary arrangements. Chose a casket, an outfit to be buried in, a quote for her grave marker.She even took care of the catering for the shiva. Booked a restaurant with vegetarian and dairy-free options. As if she knew that Theo and Jacob wouldn’t be able to handle it. She was right. Theo doesn’t process a single word Rabbi Goldberg says. Just attempts to mimic his father’s stoicism during the brief service, then tosses a handful of dirt onto the casket. Buries his mother and turns twenty-three all at once.

Jacob hosts the shiva.

Theo and Evelyn chase their grief with a shot of peppermint schnapps.

“For Lori,” she says.

When she briefly leaves his side to use the bathroom, he tosses back a second shot. Then, a third. His nose wrinkles. His mom always added a splash to her hot cocoa during the holidays. ’Tis the season. Alone, the liqueur burns. But it’s pretty much the only reason he can handle the relentless condolences extended by friends, colleagues, strangers who introduce themselves as former students, who all say zikhronah livrakha.May her memory be a blessing.Right now? Theo’s buzz is a blessing. He doesn’t feel too much. Barely feels anything at all.

Until his living room becomes claustrophobic and it’s impossible to breathe.

He escapes to his bedroom, the peppermint schnapps tucked into his suit jacket pocket like contraband. This isn’t supposed to be his life. Just three months ago, he was in his second semester at Teachers College. Seated in a lecture hall and taking notes on education law when she left the voicemail. Theo called back without even listening to it. Lori doesn’t leave a voicemail that could be a text. So. He knew.It’s back.He blacked out. Didn’t process anything except those two words. One second he was at his dorm, and the next he was at theadmissions office, begging for a leave of absence and ready to withdraw if it wasn’t granted.Please. My mom is dying.He booked the first flight home. Called Evelyn before he boarded the plane. Without quite meaning to, months had passed since the last time they spoke. Still, she answered on the first ring.

I know.

It’s bad. Isn’t it?

It’s in her lungs, Theodore.

Theo couldn’t breathe.I’m coming home.

Now he sits on the bed in the room he grew up in and sips the liqueur straight from the bottle as the worst four-word combination in the world changes tense.My mom is dying.Theo coughs.My mom is dead.Loosens his tie.My mom is dead.Can’t breathe.My mom is dead.

A soft knock pulls him out of the spiral. “Theo?”

Evelyn’s voice is just as gentle. She’s the only good thing about being home. He missed his best friend so much. Neither has brought up the last four years. Him leaving. Her pushing.I will hate you if you don’t stay. Spring break and the awkwardness that formed a fissure that became a chasm. Convincing each other afterward that they were fine. Just busy. With school. With life.We’re fine.

They’re not.

Theo stands and opens the door to find her holding a gift box.

Right.

His birthday.

“It’s not from me.”

Theo processes his name written on an envelope tucked under the bow in his mom’s brush calligraphy as Evelyn swaps the gift box for the bottle of peppermint schnapps and tilts it to her lips. It distracts him from the box. Reminds him thathe’s not up-to-date on her medications and some don’t react well with alcohol and—

“It’s safe, right?” Theo asks. “Mixing alcohol with your medication?”

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