Page 39 of Kiss Me, Maybe

“Do you want to share what specifically led you to thinking you might be graysexual or cupiosexual?” she asks. “Cupio is when you identify as ace but still desire a sexual relationship, correct?”

I nod. “So, the way I explained it in one of my videos is that sex primarily exists in my head, right? So when I fantasize about sex, it’s usually not with a specific person, and it definitely never includes me. Except for two very specific instances. The first was Sophia Bush inOne Tree Hill, specifically when she wore that red lace top for some of the promo shoots.”

“An iconic look.” Krystal nods sagely. “I can see how it would’ve enamored you.”

“It did a lot more than enamor me the weekend I discovered those pictures, I’ll tell you that.” I laugh. “The second was actually when you were taking care of my injuries.”

“Was that the first time you felt attracted to me?”

“As far as sexual attraction goes… yeah.” I nod. “I don’t think I’d ever felt that way about you until then. Romantic attraction is another story.”

“So both times, it was a specific instance that triggered feelings of sexual attraction.”

I nod at her assessment.

“Has it ever gone away?”

I shake my head. “Brooke Davis is going to be my TVgirlfriend until the end of time, I fear. And how I feel about you… I don’t see that going away any time soon either.”

Her gaze is molten, rendering me incapable of looking away. It’s intense, whatever this pull is between us. Sexual attraction? Something more, mixed with all the romantic feelings I’ve never been able to shake when it comes to this woman?

“Graysexual fits,” I say. “Leaning more toward ace than allo, since sexual attraction is something I’ve so rarely experienced. I’m not sure that alone makes me sex favorable, though. Generally speaking, I’ve wondered what sex would feel like, but it’s not and never has been the reason I want a relationship with someone.”

“That makes sense. Could you be sex favorable if the sex you had incorporated your fantasies?”

“Maybe.” My brows furrow in thought. “I think so.”

“Okay, then.” The way she’s smirking at me has butterflies swirling in my stomach. “Now, let’s hear about those fantasies.”

I swallow hard. I’m not used to being the cornered one, but there’s something about Krystal’s curiosity that has my pulse racing. Something about her hooded eyes traveling down my body that has me shivering on the barstool next to her.

“You mean, like, positions or…” I trail off, squeezing my thighs together.

“Whatever works for you.” She tries to play it cool with a shrug, but her shoulders are tight. I have a feeling she’s more invested in my answer than she’s letting on. Her throat works on a swallow. I only notice because she keeps touching her hand to the crook of her neck. My eyes follow the movement of her hand, trailing down to the delicate bones of her clavicle. “For example, one of mine would be… light bondage.”

“Really?” I clear my throat when the one word comes out gravelly. “Are we talking fuzzy handcuffs, or is that too hardcore?”

“I’d start with silk ties.” She bites down on the pad of her thumb. “But I’m pretty much into anything that has my hands pinned above my head.”

Interesting.

I imagine doing what she’s described, pinning her wrists above her head, the way she’d look up at me with that pretty blush coloring her cheeks, eyes wide in shock. If I kissed her, I’d have more control of her movements. I could lead the pace, figure out what suits me without the pressure of her hands roaming before I’m ready for them.

“Your turn.”

For a moment, I think about where to start. “There are kind of a lot, but there’s one I keep going back to. You know those guided masturbation audios?”

“Yeah.” She nods. “They definitely come in handy every now and then.”

“Right.” I try to laugh, but it comes out hoarse. “Well, I don’t really use them for me. I use them to imagine someone else doing what the narrator says to do.”

“So you imagine someone else masturbating?” She cocks her head. “Someone else taking instruction?”

“Well, I can’t say being the one doing the instructing doesn’t intrigue me. Sex is foreign territory for me. I feel like I’d need rules or some sort of guidance in order to navigate it, since I don’t like the idea of being the one to give up control. But that’s not really relevant to the guided masturbation fantasy. It’smore that I want to feel as good as the woman in my head does, if that makes sense.”

I bite down on my bottom lip. This conversation is making my libido go into overdrive. Now that she’s put the thought out there, I can’t help the suddenneedbuilding inside me. I don’t know what it says about me that just talking about sex has me all hot and bothered.

That you’re a stereotypical horny virgin, that’s what.

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