Page 44 of Kiss Me, Maybe

“Me neither,” I agree, my voice still breathless. I’m tempted to join her on the bed, not for another round, but because it only seems natural to lay myself down beside her after what we just did. For her face to fill my vision as we exchange shy smiles, to make out the sweat glistening her reddened cheeks. Instead, I’m awkwardly kneeling at the foot of her bed trying not to stare at her naked body.

“Come here,” she says, and all that awkward tension releases from my shoulders as I’m flooded with relief. As I reach the bed, Krystal kicks at the duvet beneath her body and then sits up to cover us both with it. We’re turned toward each other, just how I wanted us to be, but there’s nothing shy about the way she’s smiling at me right now.

“Hi.” Her nose grazes mine, radiant smile filling my vision, and it’s even better than I imagined.

“Hi,” I say back, and I could almost laugh from how absurd this situation is. I’ve orgasmed in the same room as Krystal, butI’ve still never been kissed. “I guess that answers the question. I am most definitely graysexual and sex favorable.”

“Glad to be of service.” She mock-salutes me. “Feel free to use me as practice anytime you need, becauseoh my godwas that amazing.”

I try to return her grin, but I can’t quite manage it over the sudden hollow feeling in my chest. Something about what she’s said doesn’t sit right with me.

Practice.

There’s nothing about the use of the word I can fault her for. It shouldn’t bother me, not when I agreed to let her enact one of my sexual fantasies as a test to gauge whether I’m sex favorable. Because that’s what this was, ultimately. That’s what we agreed to.

But thinking about what we did in those terms cheapens the whole experience for me. Like there’s nothing real between Krystal and me, when to me, what we just did solidifies my feelings for her. No matter how much I’ve tried to deny it. Would she have agreed to do this if she knew my feelings for her weren’t anywhere in the realm of friendly?

“God, I wish I could kiss you right now.” It takes a moment for what she’s just said to register. Then, every inch of my skin heats in a new way. In a way that has my heart beating into overdrive. Her fingers trail my cheek, smoothing the strands away from the side of my face.

There’s nothing I want more than that… and yet.

“Maybe giving up the scavenger hunt doesn’t have to be a bad thing,” she says. “We could… I don’t know. Keep doing what we did tonight. More, if you want.”

The thought of more with Krystal is too much to bear, because it’s never been clearer to me than right now that we have different definitions of the word.

I’m such an idiot.

Whatever Krystal feels for me, if anything, it can’t go anywhere. She’s made that clear from the start. It’d be fair enough if she didn’t want to fall in love, but I know the truth now. It’s not really about what she wants, but what she believes herself capable of. What her family and former friends think of her.

“In the name of practice, you mean.” I turn away from her, staring up at the ceiling.

“Sure.” The lightness in her tone grates on my nerves, even if it doesn’t take her very long to sense the distance between us. “Angela?” She places a hand on my shoulder, eyes widening when I flinch at the touch. A knee-jerk reaction I can’t hold back, thanks to all the thoughts burdening my brain. “Did I… What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” It’s such an obvious, bald-faced lie. I take in a deep breath, but it does nothing to calm me down. “I should probably head back.”

“You don’t have to,” she says, confusion scrunching her brows. “Unless… you want to?”

Good lord, we never should’ve done this. How can I possibly explain that the thought of us as “practice” is depressing enough for me to shut down as soon as the word left her mouth?

“I want to,” I say instead, because at least that’s the truth.

“I’ll drive you back.” I hate the disappointment in her voice almost as much as I hate myself for being the reason it’s there. For ruining what was almost a perfect night, all because I like her way more than I should.

Nineteen

She insists on packing up what’s left of the chicken alfredo for me to take home, which ends up being the biggest Tupperware of food I’ve ever seen. I doubt she left any for herself, given the weight of the container in my lap. We’re silent the whole way to my house, but every now and then I catch Krystal glancing over, that same confusion from earlier written all over her face. Once she parks outside my driveway and kills the engine, I finally give in and stare back at her.

“It’s something I said, isn’t it?” When I don’t say anything, all but confirming her question, she continues. “I shouldn’t have called what we did ‘practice.’ It was stupid and thoughtless of me. I’m so sorry, Angela. I didn’t mean—” She cuts herself off with a curse.

“It’s fine,” I say, another placating lie. “There isn’t exactly a more appropriate word for what we did together, right?”

“But it obviously hurt you.” My eyes shut with a shudder. The truth of her statement burns through me, and once again I hate how she can always seem to see right through me whenshe hides so much of herself away. “I don’t know what the right word to use is, but that was the wrong one. I’m sorry.”

I don’t trust myself to speak, especially not when inexplicable tears water my eyes. Good fucking Christ, of all times now is not the time to cry.

“Talk to me.” Her hand closes around my wrist. “Angela, please. I don’t know what you’re thinking right now.”

“Too much,” I admit, shaking my head as I remove my arm from her gentle grip. “I don’t really want to get into it right now. It’s not logical.” Nothing about what I feel for this woman is logical. Krystal and I are so far from together, it’s laughable. It’d be so easy to fall for her, and that’s the last thing she wants.

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