Page 5 of Kiss Me, Maybe

“But you won’t.” She sounds so confident about that. “You just can’t get enough of me, can you?”

Thankfully she doesn’t give me a chance to try and sputter out a response. She walks behind the bar and gets started on my usual.It’s her job to know what her regulars order, I remind myself. That’s the only reason she has mine memorized. She knows Marcela’s order too.

“Malibu sunset.” She hands me a glass once she’s finished pouring. “I’ll update your tab.”

“Thanks.” I take a sip from my drink, hiding my disappointment that our conversation is over so soon. A line formedbehind me as we chatted, and now she has to get to them. I take one last glance as she dashes to grab the Tito’s bottle off the shelf before turning to leave.

“Took you long enough,” Marcela says, handing my phone back as I return to our table. “How’s your girl?”

“She’s not my girl.” I shake my head at her, then let out a groan as I recall our conversation. “And she saw the video.Bothvideos.”

“You’re kidding.” Marcela cringes in solidarity. “That’s rough.”

“Did you see if she commented or followed or anything?”

“I didn’t see her name. I did see that Alice commented with the emoji that goes like—” She mimes her head exploding.

“I miss Alice.” I take another sip. “I don’t have anyone to hang out with on a regular basis anymore now that you’re all booed up.”

“I’m sorry, Angela.” She reaches for my arm and squeezes. “I’ll ditch Theo next weekend. We can get lunch or something.”

“No, no.” I wave her off, and the immediate objection that follows. “Don’t ditch him. I’m just feeling extra sad and lonely lately. You know it’s bad when I’m turning to theinternetfor companionship.”

“You do seem to have a love-hate relationship with TikTok. At least this time there were more positive comments than negative ones,” she says. “There has to be someone else we can befriend.”

“Maybe.” It’s not a bad idea, but making new friends as an adult is almost as hard as dating. The other library assistants are so much older than us, and the three aides we have are all incollege. I’m almost tempted to ask Erika to hang out outside of work, but I can only imagine how awkward drinking with my boss would be, no matter how much I like her.

One dramatic sigh later, I go for another sip only to find my glass empty. I give Marcela a knowing look, waggling my brows at her. She lets out an exasperated sigh only someone who’s known me for a decade could make.

“Again, Angela? Really?”

“You’re right, okay? I’m obsessed,” I tell her as I get up from my seat. “Obsessed and unashamed!” I call over my shoulder. She casts me an amused look and shakes her head.

“Back again.” Krystal is less busy this time around, no signs of the earlier crowd as she wipes the counter with a rag. She nods at the empty glass in my hand as I approach the bar. “That was fast.”

“I hope you don’t think differently of me after that video,” I blurt, probably because I’ve become something of a lightweight in my old age. I can’t handle my alcohol the way I could a few years ago. “I didn’t expect that many people to see it. It was just supposed to be a one-off thing after deleting the accidental thirst-trap video, you know?”

“You brought up the idea of dating the internet as a one-off?” She raises a brow at me.

“It’s just talk. As if dating the entire sapphic internet is plausible.” I let out a huff. “I didn’t actually mean any of it.”

“Are you sure?” she asks as she pours grenadine into a fresh glass. “I thought it was brave of you to put yourself out there like that.”

“Really?”

She nods as she slides a new drink across the counter. I take a careful sip, ignoring her burning gaze until I can’t take it anymore. “Brave in a good way?”

“I never took you for high-strung.” Krystal laughs at whatever offended expression is on my face. “You’re kinda cute when you’re stressed.”

“I’m not high-strung. It’s much worse than that,” I say gravely. “It’s TikToker’s remorse.”

“Come on, Angela. The way I see it, you put yourself out there for a reason.” She rests her chin in her hand and levels a thoughtful look at me. “What were you hoping to get out of it?”

I consider her question for a moment. WhatwasI hoping to get out of posting that video? I already knew I wasn’t the only person my age lacking in romantic experience. I’ve found plenty of videos online of other people like me sharing their experience—or rather, theirinexperience. Videos I’ve bookmarked, saved, and even commented on a handful of times.

“I think I’ve been hiding.” This is a fourth drink kind of revelation, and yet I haven’t even started my third. I thought I knew what would happen if everyone knew the truth. They’d treat me the way my cousins did, with disbelief and cruel jokes and disdain. Pressure me into doing something about it until I gave in, the way I almost did my senior year of high school.

When I have my first kiss, I want it to be on my own terms. I want it to be whatIwant, not what anyone else wants. I’ve been holding on to some of these firsts for so long because I wasn’t sure what I wanted. Others I held on to just to spite my cousins and ended up spiting myself instead. Holding myself back from opportunities I’ve always dreamed of experiencing.

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