Page 84 of Kiss Me, Maybe

No part of me saw this coming, the words she’s about to say, what I can’t stop her from saying…

“I think I’m in love with you.” She lets out a humorlesslaugh. “No, I am. I know I am. The evidence is staring me in the face—literally. You’re probably the only one who knows how scary and impossible this is for me, and I don’t know if that makes it better or worse that you’re the person I fell for. And it’s been killing me to hold myself back and watch as you prepare to find someone else when I…” She trails off, but nothing more comes out except a tiny whimper from the back of her throat.

“You… what…” She’s not the only one left speechless. “You changed your mind about me?” My voice is so much louder than I mean for it to be. I only wanted clarification, but the question comes out sounding idiotic and baffled. Someone from the next table over turns to look at us. Krystal’s cheeks redden, and her head dips down so she can cover her face with her hair.

“I changed my mind about a lot of things, but I never had to change my mind about you,” she says, finally looking at me. “The truth is, I knew a long time ago how easy it would be to fall in love with you. I knew it two years ago, the moment you told me I was beautiful.”

It’s a cruel kind of irony that we’ve been pining for each other for years without ever knowing how the other felt. Of course, I did fall for her first. Five years ago, long before I truly realized I was romantically attracted to women, she caught my attention right away. That riot of curly hair pinned to the top of her head. The way the red light at the bar made her skin glow like a fucking goddess. The way I stammered over my words when she asked for my name. The brilliant grin that would take over her whole face whenever I came in.

“I wanted to ask you out,” she admits. “Say fuck it to all my insecurities about love and relationships and put myself outthere for a change. But night after night, I watched you turn everyone away. I told myself there’s no way I’d have a chance with you. I assumed some lucky person already had you locked down. That you’d bring them in one day, and I wouldn’t be able to contain my jealousy.”

She’s never told me any of this before. The thought that we felt the same way, pined for each other from afar the same way foryearsand never knew how the other felt… it’s too much for me to conceive. It’s unbelievable.

“How do you know you love me?” I ask. “After everything you’ve told me about being incapable of love and not wanting to put someone through what you put Isaac through. I don’t understand.”

“With Isaac, I was always half in and half out. It’s not like that with you. It never has been. When I’m with you, I’m in. I’m all the way in,” she explains. “I wasted so much time trying to convince myself Isaac was right for me when I knew he wasn’t. That if I’d communicated how I was feeling better or compromised more of myself, our relationship could’ve turned out differently. But none of that is true. We just weren’t a good fit for each other, and that’s okay. I can forgive myself for the way I hurt him because I don’t plan on making the same mistakes with anyone else. Especially not you.

“I love you.” The words come bursting out of her, and somehow they’re not any less shocking than they were the first time. “I’m in love with you, Angela. I think I have been for a while, no matter how hard I tried to deny it.”

Krystal’s eyes stay trained on me, but I can feel her leg shaking beneath the table. For a full minute, I’m completelyspeechless. I can’t force what she’s just said to make sense in my brain. I can’t make myself believe that I’m about to get everything I want during what has undoubtedly been the worst week of my life.

“I thought you were going to let me down easy,” I say, because it’s the only thing I can think of right now. “Because of what I said to you on the phone.”

“Angel, I have about a thousand pictures of you in my wallet that I’ve been carrying around for nearly two weeks. You’re not the only one who can surprise people.” She tries to smile, but it comes out stiff. I watch as she gathers up the pictures littering the table with reverence before carefully placing them back inside her wallet. “What are you thinking?”

“I…” I shake my head. “I don’t know.”

It’s the worst possible response to someone after they tell you they love you. The disappointment on her face is immediate and crushing and all my fucking fault. I open my mouth to clarify, to take it back, to tell her I feel the same way, but how do Iknowthat I do? Isn’t this the question I’ve been asking myself all week since I slipped and told her I was falling for her? I need to say something. Anything is better than leaving it atI don’t know. What kind of dumbass am I?

“I mean—Fuck.” I shut my eyes. “You’re right, Krystal. I do know how hard it was for you to say those words to someone new, let aloneme. Even though this is what I’ve been hoping for since I can hardly remember how long. It’s just… everything I’ve trusted in for the past two months is falling apart.I’mfalling apart.”

“I wish I could do something,” Krystal says. “Please, Angela. Let me help you.”

“You can’t.” I shake my head. “I don’t even know how to help myself. All I’ve wanted since I started posting was to talk to other people like me, and now they’re all turning on me. And just when I thought I could salvage the scavenger hunt, my boss told me to cancel it or my job could be in danger—”

“Wait,what?”

“Nothing is turning out the way it’s supposed to,” I continue. “Now I can’t say ‘I love you’ back, and I’m going to lose you too.”

“Angela, I don’t need you to say anything,” she says, grabbing my hands. “I just wanted you to know how I felt. And that I’m not going anywhere.” Her eyes glint with something like determination. “Lord knows I’ve spent weeks giving you nothing but mixed signals. I’d be an asshole to react badly to a less-than-positive response to ‘I love you.’”

“I’m sorry,” I say, desperately blinking back tears. “I wish I could give you a better answer than this.”

“I should take you back,” she says instead of responding to me. She stands up and then hands me my untouched sandwich still in its wrapper. I’ll stuff my face at my desk when I get back. I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out.

“It’s okay,” she tells me. “Really. Just… think about what I said, okay?”

I will. I don’t think I’ll be able to think about anything elsefor the rest of the day.

Thirty-Nine

The next day, I call Natalia and ask if I can come over to talk about canceling the scavenger hunt. “I thought you weren’t going to let those fuckers win.”

“I wasn’t.” I sigh, thinking of the people tearing me apart online at this very moment. “It’s my job. Apparently, the library board doesn’t like the idea of one of their workers whoring themselves out to the internet.”

“Is that what we’re calling kissing these days?” she huffs. “Fuck them too. We’ve come so far just to cancel the scavenger hunt. What else can we do?”

For a moment, I’m flummoxed by the direction this conversation has taken. Natalia didn’t want to be part of the scavenger hunt in the first place, and now she’s convincing me not to quit?

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