Page 87 of Kiss Me, Maybe

“Sure.” She laughs, and it’s the first real one I’ve heard from her. “I could always use more friends just as lost as me.”

Forty

What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I lie to Julian, even as many indicators give me away. My wobbly voice, the tears running down my face, the snot threatening to touch my top lip. I’m still reeling from my talk with Natalia, everything we shared, how unbelievably lonely I still feel. I suppose this is what happens when I bottle up all my bad emotions instead of letting myself feel them.

I feel them now, all right. If Natalia could see me at this very moment, she’d say something like,See? I told you I’m not helpful at all.It might not look like it right now, but she was. She opened up something in me I’ve spent nearly an entire year trying not to feel.

“Is it your hair?” If the question is meant to make me laugh, it works. Seeing as I’ve spent all day crying in bed, I can only imagine what my short hair looks like right now. I let out an unexpected chortle that has mocos raining down onto my bedspread. Julian’s face twists in disgust before he hands me a tissue box from the nightstand. “It’s not that bad. I’m sure a hairdresser can save it… somehow.”

“I can’t believe you’re just noticing itnow.”

“Forgive me, I’ve been kinda stressed out lately.”

“Fair. Remind me to book an appointment asap,” I tell him before plucking a tissue from the box and blowing my nose. “I met with Natalia today, and I don’t know. I guess it brought up a lot of unresolved stuff for me.”

“Like what?”

“How awful was it to be the only queer member of the family before I came out?” He looks surprised by my question. “Is it still awful even though you’re not the only one anymore?”

“It was definitely isolating,” he admits. “But it was more isolating before I came out. I don’t have any regrets, even if I never have a relationship with my father again. It’s better than hiding who I am.”

“Yeah.” I nod. “You’re right about that.”

“Come on.” Julian pats down the duvet beside him, carefully avoiding the snot stains. “Tell me what happened.”

I sit down in the middle of my bed, facing him.

“What if no one ever understands me?” I ask him. “What if I don’t even understand myself, and it makes any romantic relationship I have that much harder?”

He’s quiet for a long time. Long enough for the dread to sink in that maybe I’m right. Krystal loves me now, but what if the feeling fades and she decides I’m not worth it anymore? What if my identity changes a third time and I decide later in life that I never want to have sex again?

There’s always been this fear in the back of my head that I’m wrong—that I announced myself to the whole internet without thinking it through. And then I get angry thinking of the hundreds of people online this very moment questioning the validity of my identity, because I’m the only one who gets to decide who I am.

Which is it, then? Righteous anger or constant indecision? You can’t have both.

“I watched all your videos, you know,” he says finally.“Pretty soon, the algorithm caught up and my feed was full of other ace-spec creators. I haven’t told anyone this yet, but for a while I’ve been questioning if ‘bisexual’ was the right identity for me. Coming out the first time was a fucking circus, and not the fun kind I want to repeat anytime soon.”

“Oh.” I had no idea Julian was feeling this way. “Did you get any answers?”

“I think I’m demisexual,” he says, his smile small. “A biromantic demisexual. Not that anyone in this family aside from you is going to understand that, so I get it. Believe me, whatever internal conflict you’re going through?” He falls back against the mattress and lets out a sigh. “Me too.”

I lie down next to him. “Krystal told me she loves me, and all I could say back was ‘I don’t know.’”

“Oh,” he replies. “Do you not love her?”

“It’s not that simple,” I tell him. “Or maybe it is and I’m overthinking it.”

“What’s the problem, then?”

“The scavenger hunt was supposed to be my grand entrance into the dating world,” I explain. “I was going to get my time to play the field. Have fun. I was finally going to have the chance to do everything I was supposed to have done years ago.That’swhat I’m supposed to want.” I shake my head. “But I don’t. I don’t think I ever did.”

“Because of Krystal?”

“Partly, yeah.” I let out a long sigh. “Krystal obviously has no idea what she’s gotten into by falling in love withmeof all people. I don’t know what it feels like to love someone. I haven’t done anything! Everything Ihavedone has been with her.Don’t get me wrong, I care about her.A lot.So much it hurts sometimes just looking at her stupidly beautiful face, but would you call thatlove?” I shake my head, this time with conviction. “I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve still never been kissed. What do I know about loving someone? How am I supposed to know for sure that that’s what I feel?”

“I’ve never been in love either, you know,” he reminds me.

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