Page 90 of Kiss Me, Maybe

CAPTION:

ACTUALLY, I’M NOT SORRY.

TEXT IN LEFT HAND CORNER:

Ten minute video

@ANGELA CLOSED CAPTIONS:When I was sixteen, I made the mistake of telling my cousin—yeah, that cousin—I’ve never been kissed. All of my friends were starting to have their first relationships, and it was making me feel self-conscious. I felt like I was so far behind my peers, but looking back I’m sad that I put all this undue pressure on myself. I was only sixteen. I shouldn’t have been worried about crushes or boyfriends or kissing, but I was—because I thought that’s what all teenaged girls were supposed to worry about. Because what would people think of me if they knew I’d never really had a crush before, that none of the boys in school interested me in that way?

So I told my cousin I’d never been kissed. Boy, was that a mistake. Because after I told her, she toldeveryone. All our family members, all the kids at school—there was not a soul left who didn’t know that I’d never been kissed. I won’t bore you with myteen angst or all the bullying that preceded that event, just know it eventually led me to come up with what I thought was a white lie after my senior year of high school. I was tired of everyone giving me grief, so I made up a summer fling. We even went all the way, this summer fling of mine, because I wasn’t about to enter college a virgin and repeat history all over again.

Except, it was a lie. I was still a virgin. I’d still never been kissed. But now I was good at hiding the truth. I was flirting with any and every guy with a pulse. After I turned twenty-one, my friends and I never paid for a single drink when we went out to bars or restaurants. I could’ve been the poster girl for comphet, that’s how good at hiding the truth I was. But I wasn’t happy. I turned down every guy who asked me out. I went from being called a prude to a tease, because the patriarchy doesn’t let women win once.

It wasn’t until very recently that I came into my identity, which is also around the time I started posting. For the most part, I’ve had no problem being open on here about my identity and my experience because I know so many of you can relate. But I haven’t shared everything for a reason. We all know the internet is where nuance goes to die, just like I know there will be plenty of people who still won’t believe my story.

Which brings me to one last thing—the woman in the picture. Well, maybe two things. The fate of the scavenger hunt is a bit up in the air. When I first came on here a few months ago and talked about my experience, I was telling the truth. A few months ago,I was a virgin who’d never fallen in love, let alone dated or been kissed. Now, well… maybe some of those aren’t true anymore. For privacy reasons, I won’t go into detail. The truth I am willing to tell you is, in an ironic twist I never saw coming, while planning the scavenger hunt, I started to fall for someone close to me. Everything I set out to find through the scavenger hunt, I was starting to find with the very person who was helping me set it up.

So, where does this leave me and the scavenger hunt series? If you’re still with me, stick around, because I have an idea where that’s concerned.

COMMENTS:

@LetiIsTrying:I’m so sorry you’re going through this, Angela. You don’t owe us any details, but it sounds like you found someone really great and I’m extremely jealous but so happy for you! I hope we get to see them in a video one day

@Priya:I so relate to being the poster girl for comphet back when I was “straight.” When I came out as a lesbian, no one believed me

@Alisha:Whatever. Do you really expect us to believe that?

DM EXCHANGE:

@Angela:Are you done trying to drag my name through the mud? Should I be anticipating another ambush from you or are you satisfied?

@Esme:Fool the internet all you want, but you’re not fooling me. You’re still a fucking liar, and your girlfriend is no better than you are.

@Angela:You’re right about one thing. I was a liar. I spent most of my life lying to myself. But if I’ve learned anything in the last year, it’s that I don’t want to be the person other people want me to be anymore. It’s exhausting. You don’t have to understand my perspective or take the time to get to know the real me if you don’t want to. Hell, you don’t even have to know me. Hope you have a nice life.

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Forty-Three

DM EXCHANGE:

@Angela:I’m so happy you’re still psyched about the scavenger hunt despite all the changes. Also, I need to thank you and apologize to you. You stood up for me when everyone was turning their backs on me. Meanwhile, I haven’t been fair to you. I never meant to lead you on or hurt you, and I genuinely hope we can be friends after this.

@LetiIsTrying:I’ll admit, I did get my hopes up that something would happen between us after the scavenger hunt, but I knew you were talking to other women online besides me. For all our joking about dating, I knew it was never serious between us.

@Angela:Still. I hope you know that I really did like you. I wasn’t trying to mess with your head.

@LetiIsTrying:I get it. You fell for someone else. And you know what? You’ve given me hope that there’s someone great out there for me too.

After spending half an hour getting ready, I don’t look like myself. At least, not my usual self. I’m wearing a short-sleeved button-down and close-fitting slacks, but not close enough to show off any kind of silhouette. I even bought a tie especially for this moment, the first masculine accessory I’ve ever bought that dresses up the outfit just that much more. Along with my newly close-cropped hair and face clear of makeup, it’d be easy to mistake me for a guy at first glance.

It’s ironic that my outfit choices these days highlight everything I used to be so insecure about growing up. Now I’m more than happy with my flat chest and lack of a “feminine figure,” both easily hidden away by a baggy shirt. Maybe one day I’ll return to brighter, feminine colors and incorporate them into masculine fits.

The reaction I get from Marcela and Julian is priceless. I kept my new haircut a secret for an entire day—the most dramatic change to my appearance—and their wide eyes and exchange of shocked glances don’t go unnoticed.

“Well?” I do a little faux-curtsy as I make my way down the stairs. “What do you think?”

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