Page 43 of Dark Notes

Jagger takes my hand, and walks me down a hallway that forms a circle around the inside of the house, and up a white staircase. We make it to the top and suddenly we are outside. There’s a massive deck, with an in-ground pool and it’s impressive. But once we step to the ledge made of some kind of strong light colored wood, I gasp when we see the ocean. He takes me down another set of steps outside, to the second floor, and there’s a table set up there, overlooking the sea. He points to a long walkway.

“We can walk down to the water from there. It’s private for two miles in either direction.”

Interlocking his fingers with mine, he walks me across the large eating area, and takes me back inside to the kitchen. It’s huge, with an island in the middle that has a gas stovetop on it. On the far end, there’s another stainless steel gas range, and all matching appliances.

“I had them stock the refrigerator with things that you might like.”

Walking over to it, I open the double doors and stare at the food he had them get for us. The first thing I notice is the zero sugar creamer, and like a giant baby, I cry.

I turn to him. “I don’t understand.”

He shrugs. “I don’t want you not eating things, because you’ve been told you’re fat. You’re not. If you gain another twenty pounds, you’ll still be perfect to me. If you need to lose weight for you, I’ll support you. I don’t need you to be some magical weight, but I do need you to be happy, so as long as you’re accomplishing your goals in a healthy way, I’ll support you. I’m sorry I was an asshole about it before. I shouldn’t tell you what to eat, any more than he should have told you what not to eat.”

“Thank you. I’m going to try not to eat such a restrictive diet. I know it isn’t healthy.”

It won’t be easy though, because this is what I know. He thinks it all started with Erik, and that was a damaging relationship, but it started long before him.

When I was a little girl, the refrigerator and pantry were padlocked closed, because ‘I was a fat pig with no self control’, or so my mother said, on more than one occasion. I read in a poem a few years ago that children believe what you tell them. Every disgusting word my mom ever said to me, I believed. The fact that I knew why she hated me, from the moment I was born, did not make me believe her words less. I took them as fact. Those words have eaten at me since I was a small child. Every child wants to be loved by their parents. The bond between mother and child is supposed to be the strongest, but she has never forgiven me for what I did to her. Not intentionally, but I cost her the greatest love of her life. My father didn’t want me and when she told him she was pregnant, he took off like a freight train. I have paid for being born every day of my life.

Jagger is the first thing in my life, in a very long time, that makes me consider whether or not I want to live. I was ten the first time I tried to take my life. Suicidal tendencies have followed me through every stage of my life. It’s been the only consistency.

“Baby, where are you?” Jagger asks as he places his hands around my waist. I shake it off or appear to. I’m pretty good at that. Faking being okay has become a specialty of mine. It’s what people want. When someone asks how you are, they don’t want a true answer. ‘I’m fine’ is all they’re interested in. I learned a long time ago that people in society are not equipped to handle my trauma, and neither am I, really.

Wrapping my arms around his neck, I pull him down to me. “I was just thinking about how lucky I am. Thank you.”

He kisses me softly. “Are you hungry?”

I force a smile. “I could eat.”

“What would you like? I had them get you this bread, because I noticed your diet all seems low carb, and it only has one gram of carbohydrates in it.”

He smiles proudly, and I know it probably drove him crazy to do this, given how he feels about the diet Erik had me on.

“Jagger, please don’t think this doesn’t mean anything, because it does. But-”

I stop, because it’s not right. He went to all this trouble, and I should just eat the food he probably paid a lot for.

“Thank you. I’m looking forward to trying the bread.”

He shakes his head, with a look of frustration on his face.

“I love you. Really fucking love you, but if you can’t be honest with me, I don’t know how this works, McKinley. I’m trying so goddamn hard, but you let me close, only to shut me out again.”

I wrap my arms around his waist and lay my head against his chest, soaking up his warmth.

“I’m sorry. I wanted to try eating normal food if I can, but then I realized you went to all this trouble.”

“Good girl,” he growls as he places his arms around me, holding me against his chest, “All I want is for you to communicate with me, and tell me what you need.”

He pulls back with a grin on his handsome face. “Turkey, ham, roast beef, or pastrami?”

“Turkey.”

My bravery will only take me so far. It’s great that he thinks my weight is fine, but the last thing I want to do is gain. He says it wouldn’t matter to him, but I don’t want to test that theory. Besides,Idon’t want to gain weight.

Jagger breaks away from me, and goes to the refrigerator and gets all the food for the sandwiches, and sets it on the island before getting plates.

After washing his hands, he makes me a sandwich and himself too.

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