Page 5 of His Stubborn Girl

Dear Journal or Diary or whatever I’m supposed to write,

My physical therapist told me I have too much tension in my shoulders and it’s affecting my throw. I told him I wasn’t going to talk to a shrink if that’s what he was implying. Instead, he suggested I get a journal and write out everything that stresses me out so I can get it off my chest. Once the book is filled, I can burn it. So here it goes.

For starters, Coach was an asshole today. He has no fucking clue how hard we’re all working. All he does is drill our asses. Doesn’t he see us leaving our blood and sweat on the field? If he doesn’t let up, he’s going to drive everyone to a loss. He needs to figure out how to boost the players up. Give them some confidence so they don’t go out on the field and second-guess everything.

I’ve been trying to make notable mention of the players, recognizing them when they do something good, but my praise only goes so far. Coach is the one they truly want to please. He’s the one with the authority to bench them or not. Me, I have no need in pleasing the fucker anymore. I’ve proven my worth every single game. So he can call me any name in the book and I can just brush it off. But I remember the days when I craved his reassurance, and I know that’s what they’re feeling.

When I retire one day, I think I’ll become a coach. I understand the mindset us players need to be in when we’re about to hit the field. Brantford never went pro so he’s still trying to prove his worth. It’s obvious he’s bitter as hell. I’d confront him on it, but I don’t want him messing up my shot next year. He’ll bench me just for the fuck of it, and that’s not how I’m ending my college football career. I want the teams fighting over me in the draft. And I want every sports brand that exists to come knocking on my door for a sponsorship. Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for today. Coach is an ass, and we all just have to nod and smile.

Signing out,

Lukas

I never realizedhe was struggling. He seems so calm and collected every time we speak about the team and his life. He always says everything’s great at school. He never mentioned his coach being a jerk. But that explains why he only ever talks about the players.

I flip the page.

September18

Dear Journal,

I just went on the date from hell. Honestly, I think I’m done with girls for a while. It always ends up the same. Shallow conversation and lackluster sex. Tonight, I couldn’t even convince my dick to go for a spin. Meaningless sex isn’t my thing anymore. I’d rather fuck my own hand. It’s safer and it doesn’t come knocking on my door or stalking my social media pages.

Why is it so hard to find someone who I can laugh with? Someone who I look forward to seeing and can’t get enough of? All I’m finding with these college girls is annoyance. I’m not sure if it’s immaturity due to their age or what, but they’re all the same. Though, I don’t think age is the issue. My sister is younger than all of them and she’s way more mature. She’s about the only normal girl I know, and definitely the only one I enjoy spending time with. The rest of them are dramatic and bitchy and give me a headache. That reminds me, I owe Torrin a call. I’ve been a shitty big brother lately. It’s just hard to keep in touch with my family during football season. Between practice and classes, I’m spent. But I’ll call her this weekend after the game. Find out how everything is going with her college applications. I really hope she gets in here. It would be awesome having her around. She’s about the only one who I enjoy spending time with.

That’s all I’ve got for today. Girls are dramatic bitches, and I’m probably going to have to wait until I graduate to find my special someone.

Signing out,

Lukas

I actually remember that call.It was the first time in ages since I’d heard from him. We talked for hours, getting caught up on life. He helped me with my college essays. It made me feel like he still cared about me. I was the little sister, soaking up my big brother’s attention, giddy that he’d taken the time. Now…I can’t even look him in the eyes or speak to him.

I turn the page, hoping there’s something in this book that will put me back to normal. That there’s something that will make me like him less. So far, I’m only falling deeper into my sickness.

October27

Dear Journal,

It’s been a good day. I had one of the best games of my life. Every play was smooth and skilled. Even Coach came up to me after the game and told me that I just earned my spot on whatever pro team I wanted. I really hope my sister was watching. She’d be proud of me too. I can’t wait to call her later.

Signing out,

Lukas

I flipto another page and another. Each entry making things worse. His words bleed into my veins, twisting me up further. I scan forward, hoping he wrote something bad about me that would make me hate him. I stop on a date right before my visit with him for the cheerleading clinic. Right before we got into our huge fight over me dropping out.

March19

I’m so excited my sister is coming this week. It feels like home when she’s around. It’s strange because I used to resent her. Back when my dad told me he was going to marry her mom, I hated the idea. It felt too soon after Mom’s death. And I wasn’t ready for a new mom or a sister. I was just so full of pain, and it felt like a betrayal to Mom’s memory. But looking back now, Torrin helped me through it.

I remember Dad forcing me to babysit her all the time so he could go out on dates with his new wife. I was so angry at the time, but she would just follow me around with those big blue eyes and that toothless smile. And it would lighten my anger. Lessen my resentment toward my father and my hatred toward her mother.

It took me a few years to warm up to Sheryll. It wasn’t like she moved in and tried to replace my mother, but that’s how I felt back then. I know she was just trying to be a loving, supportive force; someone I could turn to if needed. She even kept my mother’s photos up because she knew mom was a part of us, and she wasn’t trying to come in and erase all that we’d built together as a family. Sheryll was so kind, but I was such a little shit towards her those first few years.

Now, I’m grateful for her. She gave me my dad back and has made him happy again. He seems like his old self. Always smiling and full of life. And I’m also thankful she gave me my sister. My mother’s memory can never be replaced, but we’re a family. Me, Torre, Dad, and Sheryll are a unit.

Lately, Torrin’s become someone I can turn to if I’m having a rough day. She always answers the phone when I call and manages to put a smile on my face and erase all the shitty stuff that happened. I’m really looking forward to this week. It’s going to be great having her here. I can’t wait to show her around campus and have some quality time with her. And I can’t wait to see her cheer.

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