Page 29 of Deprivation

“Hey, Nate, any chance you’d be interested in making a weekend trip to New York City?” I ask, trying to balance the phone on my shoulder while folding clothes on my bed. I miss Olivia terribly. The only thing better than visiting my dear sweet friend in The Big Apple will be to do so with Nate.

“Are you kidding? I’d love to go! I haven’t been there in years. What did you have in mind?”

“Well, my friend Olivia said she could get us tickets to her show. She’s been working as an understudy to an actress whom she says would go on stage bleeding out of her eyeballs before missing a performance.” I laugh. “So she probably won’t be performing, but we could still see the show and meet up with her afterward. I haven’t seen her in so long, and I really need a getaway after this grueling semester. We could sight see a little, get some good food and a few high-class cocktails.”

“Hell, yeah, I’m in. I’m off this weekend, is that good?”

“Yes, great! I’ll let her know we’ll be there.”

After piling my folded items on the bed, I call Olivia to let her know of our plans. We’ll take the train to Penn Station on Friday and find a place near Madison Square Garden to stay overnight. We can take the subway to meet before her performance Saturday evening and stick around afterward to enjoy some cocktails like the New York elite. She sounds as excited as we are. It’s more than I usually spend to treat myself, but I’ve worked hard and I deserve a getaway.

* * *

The weekend has arrived, and we’re in line at the Amtrak station waiting to board. I’ve packed light so I won’t have to drag much all over New York, since we’ll be at the mercy of cabs, subway, and trains for transportation. As we settle into our seats, I rest my head on Nate’s shoulder. “Thanks for coming along, bud. I’m not much on traveling alone.”I do enough alone.

“Are you kidding, I’ve been looking forward to this all week.” I can almost feel his brilliant smile.

“Did I tell you I have to go to Rachel’s baby shower next weekend?” I groan. “Can’t wait for that. I feel like she barely put away the decorations from her wedding before she and Steven got pregnant.” There always seems to be some big celebration that revolves around her. At least Gran will be there so I can focus on her.

“You probably should’ve scheduled this trip for after the shower. You’re going to need something positive after that’s over. I’ll have to look at my calendar and see if we can at least meet for a drink afterward.”

“Yes, please.” I yawn. The semester has really taken a toll, and although I’d originally planned to enjoy this leisurely train ride to New York chatting with my dear friend, it appears a nap is calling my name.

As if he reads my mind, Nate pats my head with his big paw. “Try to catch a cat nap, little kitty. I’ll wake you up if you are down too long.”

* * *

The weekend flies by. Abundant, hearty laughter and wide smiles have caused my cheeks to hurt as we return to the train station for our journey home. My heart swells with gratitude for my friends. I’m sad to say goodbye to Olivia, but happy that she’s still so optimistic about her future and enjoys where she is in her life. Plus, this trip has brought Nate and I even closer. I’m thrilled to know he’s in my corner when Jake and Melanie are now so far away. Maybe that’ll be my next road trip.

* * *

Life returns to normal. I prepare for the next round of classes, continue to volunteer, and work part-time as a monitor technician at a nearby hospital where I read heart monitors and answer the ever-ringing call bells from the nurses’ station. I have little time for friends or family but try to make staying in touch with my grandmother a priority. There’s definitely no room for men, but I decide I’m not missing out on much given what I’ve experienced so far. The nicest guy I’d dated had a cocaine habit, and I wasn’t willing to risk that a late-night squad call might end up at his house. It was best I walked away from that situation before I got in any deeper.

* * *

Arriving a little late to Rachel’s shower, I walk into Mom and Dad’s and hear women politely chatting to my right. It hasn’t been that long since I lived in my childhood home, however, it feels so unfamiliar now. The women are gathered in the “look room,” as my mother refers to it. Guests dressed in a variety of party attire are seated in a circle. Chairs from the kitchen and dining room have been added to the formal cream-colored couch and pale blue wing back chair that normally occupy the space. Other than Christmas morning, we’d not been allowed to spend much time in this formal room growing up. It was “the perfect spot for the tree,” my mother had declared. The walls are painted eggshell white, which allowed the well-lit, artfully adorned masterpiece to glow in contrast each holiday season. There’s a glass curio housing my mother’s prized souvenirs in the left-hand corner of the room.

I scan the sea of women for familiar faces before connecting with my grandmother’s twinkling eyes. She’s patting the chair beside her almost before the smile takes over my face. My life preserver in this storm. I quickly make my way over to her but suddenly feel a hand grab my arm.

“Dear, could you please see if anyone needs a refill?” my mother asks quietly. I decide to forego any additional tension and comply. Honestly, I’ve arrived late and really should help Mom. Swiftly placing my bag and gift in the chair adjacent my granny, I bend down to offer her a quick hug and kiss and make my way around the room introducing myself and taking drink requests. As I walk into the kitchen, I try to look at the positives before me. My granny is here, I have a task to distract me from the constant attention bestowed on Rachel, and there’s cake. I can put up with almost anything for Gran and cake.

As the afternoon moves on, everyone gushes about how Rachel glows with her pregnancy and, “Is it possible she’s even more beautiful?” I steal precious moments with Gran between playing junior hostess and try to regain my sanity. As I return to the kitchen after a brief visit to the restroom, I stop in my tracks as I overhear my mother speaking with an unidentified guest.

“She’s a dear girl and works so hard. She’s been working nights at the hospital and going to school during the day. I don’t know when she sleeps. She volunteers at the rescue squad, too, you know.”

Wow, that’s nice to hear.

She continues, “I shouldn’t be upset that she came late. I know she’s been studying hard and wants to work in medicine, but I just wish she’d take better care of herself. I mean, look at her.”

Wow, do I look that bad?

“At the rate she’s going, I’m not sure she’ll ever meet anyone and settle down. I’ve never even met a boyfriend. Well, thankfully, I could count on one of my daughters to let me plan a wedding and give me grandchildren.”

I try to swallow the lump in my throat and decide I’m done playing serving wench for this shindig and walk over to take my seat next to my grandmother. I feel her soft hand lie over top of mine and try to hold back a sniffle. I don’t need her to witness my dismay at feeling like the constant family failure. Yet it appears it’s too late, as I feel her tiny form lean into me and whisper.

“Your time is coming, little kitten. Don’t let any of this get to you.” I feel a tight squeeze on my hand and place all my energy into not spilling tears in front of this group. “Just remember, God loves you even more than I do, and that is some feat. He has big things in store for you. Don’t waste your time thinking any less.” As she lifts my hand to her sweet lips, I cannot hold back the tears any longer.

“Thanks, Gran. I love you. Please, tell Rachel I’m sorry I couldn’t stay. I have to go.”

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