Page 34 of Deprivation

She slowly opens her tired eyes. “Oh, Kat. Maybe she learned it from me,” she replies with a pained smile. Leave it to her to find a witty retort in the midst of all of this. “How’s my sweet girl?”

“Me? Let’s stay focused on you, shall we. Are you in any pain?”

“I’m okay. I’m so tired I can sleep through the pain.”

What was I thinking!“Gran, I’m so sorry. I should let you rest. I was just so worried and wanted to check on you. I’ll let you sleep and check on you later.” I kiss her on the forehead and make my way back to the nurses’ station. “Hi. I’m going to find a quiet place to study. Would you mind making sure my number is added to her file so the doctors can reach me for updates?”

“Of course. Dr. Weston should be rounding soon. I’ll have him call you when he arrives if you aren’t in the ICU waiting room.”

* * *

Two hours into my studies in the small family waiting area, I startle to a man’s voice.

“Miss Kelly?” Dr. Weston interrupts.

“Yes, sir,” I reply, reaching out to shake his hand. “Thank you again for taking such good care of my grandmother. Are there any updates?”

“Well, the pathology results can take a week, but they’re usually back in two to three days. This will guide where we go from here. In the meantime, I’ve reached out to the oncologist who’ll see her today. We will perform a PET scan to see if there is evidence of any suspicious lesions elsewhere in her body. I’m concerned this has been present for some time and has spread. The oncologist will determine her plan of care based on how advanced this is. Your grandmother will need to regain her strength before considering chemotherapy.”

My mind is spinning. This is an uphill battle for sure. My grandmother is eighty-eight years old. Is she capable of winning this war?

“Thank you, Dr. Weston. Can you tell me what you think her odds are?” I ponder if I’m better off not knowing the answer to this question.

“They aren’t good, Miss Kelly. Depending on what we find, she may decide destroying the cancer and potentially wreaking havoc on her poor body isn’t the way she wants to spend her final days.”

As the surgeon walks away, I cannot contain my fear and devastation. I somehow know, by his tone, the odds of this being a wide spread incurable cancer are high. Taking advantage of the brief solitude, I drop my face into my hands and bawl.

* * *

“Gran, you okay?” I whisper.

“Yes, Kat. I’m just tired.”

“Are you hurting?”

“No, dear. They’ve been giving me medicine. I’m just tired. You should go home and get some rest. Your mother will visit soon, and I want to take a nap before she gets here and starts fussing over me.”

I feel selfish for wishing to stay so close. “Of course. I’ll check on you later.” I kiss her cheek and notice she’s already fallen asleep.

* * *

“Miss Kelly?” Dr. Weston approaches as I sit in the corner of Gran’s hospital room, watching her slumber. It’s been three days since her arrival, and things haven’t changed.

“Oh. Yes, sir. It’s good to see you.”

“You, too. I wish I had better news. The pathology report confirms our suspicions. It’s an aggressive cancer. The scan notes the cancer has metastasized to her liver and bone. I’m happy to come back and talk to her about this when your mother is here if you like. But she needs to make some difficult decisions.”

I thank him for his time and ask if he can reach out to my mother to review the information and ask how she wants to proceed. I know I’ll need to be there for my grandparents as they receive this horrendous news, but it isn’t my place to make these decisions, no matter how much I want to keep her here with me. I go to the restroom to splash some water on my face, calm down, and then head back to Gran’s room.

“Hi. Fancy seeing you awake.” I try to keep my voice relaxed.

“Yes, I can’t keep my eyes open for long. I’m sure it’s all of this medicine. Kat, I need to talk to you, dear. Please, come closer.”

Cautiously sitting next to her on the bed I ask, “What do you need, Gran?”

She hesitates at first, reaching for my hand. “I need you to be strong for me and the rest of the family. I need you to let me go.”

“What?” I choke out. I can no longer pretend to have it together, collapsing beside her small form. My tears soak her sheets as she continues to hold my hand. “You can’t leave me. You just can’t.” I bellow. “You’re all I have,” I weep. I know I’m being greedy, but I don’t have it in me to care. I begin to sob more heavily now. “Please, Gran,” I beg. “Please, fight a little harder. Please, please don’t give up yet.”

---