Page 48 of Deprivation

I’m unsure of the time when my eyes blink open. The lack of sleep has apparently caught up with me. I try to look down to see my watch and notice Gabe’s hand lying over my wrist. As I look up, he’s smiling down at me.

“Hey, beautiful. Did you have a nice nap?” he asks smoothly, as if the earlier tension never occurred. “I hope you don’t mind, but I called your parents to let them know what was going on. I told them I’d update them once we knew more.”

Groggy from the impromptu nap, I utter, “Thanks. I wonder if they gave me something for pain. I haven’t slept that hard in a long time.”

Unexpectedly, an older gentleman wearing a starched white lab coat briskly enters the room. “Hi, Miss Kelly. I’m Dr. Welch. I took over for the night shift doctor who evaluated you previously.” He looks over his glasses to Gabe. “Is it okay to speak freely about your medical concerns with this gentleman present?”

“I’m her boyfriend, Gabe,” he interrupts with determination, reaching out to shake the older physician’s hand.

Dr. Welch again looks to me silently.

“Yes, that’s fine,” I reply nervously.

“Well, Miss Kelly it appears you have an ectopic pregnancy. This is where the pregnancy develops outside of the uterus. The ultrasound notes the location of the pregnancy is actually close to the ovary itself, and there’s some concern for rupture of the fallopian tube. Thus, you’ll likely lose that ovary in our attempt to treat this. Sometimes, we can treat these with medication, but in your case, the risk of a bad outcome is too great. Luckily, God gave you two ovaries, so you should still be able to have children one day. I’ve called the on-call OB/GYN to see you, but wanted you to be aware. Dr. Peters will most likely take you to the operating room shortly after he arrives. Do you have any questions?”

Do I have any questions?I lie completely floored by this overwhelming information. How could I have gotten pregnant? The OR? Lose my ovary? I look to Gabe, who looks as shocked as I am.I wonder if he’s thinking he dodged a bullet with the pregnancy news.Gabe remains quiet as Dr. Welch excuses himself. I’m not entirely sure what to say.

“Well, this is unexpected,” Gabe utters.

Unexpected? That’s the best you can come up with?

“I always pictured we’d marry and have kids one day, but I wasn’t prepared for this. Jesus, Kat. How’d you let this happen?” he sneers.

“Let this happen? Gabe, I was the one insisting on using condoms in addition to my birth control. I certainly didn’tlet this happen. Do you think I wanted to start PA school pregnant?”

“PA school?” he rips his hand from my wrist. “What the fuck? You got in and didn’t tell me?”

“I just found out, Gabe. I tried to call you yesterday, but you didn’t answer or call me back. I’m sorry you’re finding out this way. I was hoping you’d be excited for me.” I sniff, realizing the joyful news I’ve worked so hard for has been run over by the other events of the day.

“Yeah, well I was busy last night and didn’t have a chance to call you back,” he huffs. “And sure, I’m happy for you. But you’re going to have to move. It just feels like you keep pulling away… or pushing me away with accusations. Is that it, Kat? You want to start a fight over the paranoid delusions of other women so you can just break it off and meet someone new at school?”

God, do we really have to do this now?I’ve never had the sense Gabe is that invested in me, despite the doting and gifts. In all the years we’ve been together, neither of us have even discussed the L word beyond his occasionally calling me “Love.” But, again, this is no different with my family. It certainly isn’t cause for alarm. This relationship is starting to feel like a game to him, a game he isn’t willing to lose.

“Hell, Kat. You can’t do anything right. We could’ve gotten married, had babies, and just forgotten about PA school. You don’t need to work.” He looks furious now. “Now this!”

I listen, stunned.

“But now you’re going away and my kid is, too.”

What the heck. Did he want me to be pregnant?Married? He’s never even said he loves me. I’m so confused. Confused and hurting. Not physically, but almost… the ache of knowing I’m pregnant but soon will no longer be, too much to grasp. Again, I begin to quietly weep.

* * *

Several hours later, I awake alone in my hospital bed. I vaguely remember the OB/GYN coming in to explain the procedure. He confirmed I’d likely lose my ovary, but reassured I should still be able to conceive one day. I left for the OR without seeing any family members.Had Gabe really called them? Lying in the quiet I thought, how ironic. I started the day handing out tea and crumpets to Rachel’s friends to celebrate her second baby, just to end it finding out I’m pregnant and ultimately losing my child. The devastating sense of failure reminding me of how her first baby shower ended. Except I no longer had Gran to comfort me. Tears begin to pour down my face as an older nurse dressed completely in white steps into the room. I try to wipe them away as she documents vital signs from the monitor near my bed onto a record sheet.

“I’m sorry to bother you, but by any chance did you see the man who was here with me earlier?” I tremble.

“Yes, dear. Was that your brother? What a nice young man. He actually hit it off with one of the nurses here, and they went to a Christmas party together.”

Bolting upright I clutch my stomach. I’m going to be sick. Is this a joke? Maybe this is a nightmare?

“Are you sure?” I prod.

“Yes. She was terribly excited. She really wanted to go and didn’t have a date. It must have been kismet, your brother being here.”

“That wasn’t my brother. That was my boyfriend,” I choke out.

The nurse looks at me in stunned silence, mouth agape, before covering it with her hand in shock and swiftly walking out of the room.

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