Page 59 of Deprivation

* * *

Now that I have the boat, maybe I should really consider a new house. What I really want is a place at the lake. Somewhere quiet where I can take the boat out whenever I want, fish, and grill my catch. Unfortunately, this wouldn’t work out well with my job. I need to take call, and the closest lake living is over an hour away. Maybe I could get something in town that’s more befitting for a bachelor and spend my weekends and free time at a really nice lake house. I could bring friends or Dad. Hmm, I need to give this some serious thought.

As I pull in to my garage and head inside, my mind wanders. I place my things on the kitchen island and look toward the sink. Above it is a picture window which overlooks the backyard. Yeah, I’d want something like that in the lake house. A really nice view, if not from the kitchen, a beautiful large window overlooking the lake. I drift off into mental snapshots of what my dream home could look like. Large stone fireplace, gorgeous hardwood floors, open kitchen with my beautiful brown-haired minx at the stove, smiling over at me while she’s cooking up somethi-Wait, what?

It’s official. I’ve lost my mind. Deciding to medicate with two fingers of Scotch and hit the hay, I retreat upstairs to shower,alone.

* * *

“Man, you picked a beauty, Nick,” Dad congratulates, proudly. “I’ve always loved the water. It’s a big reason Lydia and I chose the house, its proximity to the lake.”

“Yeah, Dad, I loved growing up there,” I near shout as I slow the motor down and turn into a no wake zone. “It was a boy’s dream home, to be able to walk down the path to the dock and fish after school and summer breaks.”

“Well, it was fun sharing that with you. Now, we can acquire some new catch and release stories.”

“Yeah, who’ll have the bigger ‘the one that got away’ story?” I ask, nearly wincing when I feel my chest tighten.Good god. I’ve only known this girl a few months, that’s not enough time to be someone who “got away.” Besides, you have to have something for it to get away.

“Don’t get me wrong, Nick. I’m super excited to spend time with you on the water. But I can’t help wishing you had a son or a daughter I could teach to fish. Those were some of my favorite memories with you.”

“Dad, I was thinking about signing up for the Big Brother Association in town. I bet we could find a fishing buddy there.”

As we continue to coast slowly into the inlet, I’m surprised where my thoughts are going. “There is this one girl,” I practically whisper.Oh, hell, why am I telling him this.“Dad, it’d never work. I don’t even know why I’m bringing her up.”

Dad stands briskly from his seat and walks carefully over to where I’m standing in front of the captain’s chair. “Nick, did I hear you right?”

“Yeah, yeah. But I’ve already fucked it up, Dad. I’m just not relationship material. You were right about Sophia. Sadly, I don’t think I noticed how shallow she was because I was so oblivious to any true feelings. I mean, I loved her, but not like what you and Mom had. It was… well, for lack of a better term, convenient. She’s beautiful and smart and let me do my own thing. In hindsight, that’s probably because she couldn’t have cared less. I honestly thought she’d make a great mother. Hell, I got the whole thing wrong.”

“Nick. It’s okay,” he says, laying his palm on my shoulder. “Luckily, you figured it out before any more time was invested and you had to share kids with the woman. Now, tell me how you met this girl and why you think it won’t work.”

“I’m afraid to tell you,” I admit, embarrassed. “I quite frankly have never behaved so horrendously. You and Mom raised me better than that. I’m just messed up. Between the divorce and, hell, Dad… Mom dying has done a real number on me. I don’t think I’d survive losing the love of my life.”

“Son, I’m not going to lie to you and say this has been easy. You’ve witnessed it firsthand. It’s less painful now, but I feel sorry for anyone who walks this Earth and doesn’t get to feel what I felt with your mother. Even if I only had her for a little while, it was worth it. Don’t avoid letting someone in because you might get hurt. You’ll regret it the rest of your life.”

“I know, Dad. I just don’t think I’m ready. I’m intrigued by this girl. She works at the hospital and I was having a really bad day and… Well, I took it out on her in the worst possible way. God…” I shake my head, rubbing at the nape of my neck as I recall that day. “I pushed her away before she was even mine.”

“Did you try to talk to her about it?” he asks, hope dancing in his loving, hazel eyes.

“I tried. But she won’t talk to me. I’m pretty sure it’s too late.”

“Hogwash, Nick. It’s never too late for something you really want. Just keep your heart and your eyes open. If this girl is someone who could work out, there’ll be a way. You just need to seize the moment when it presents itself.” He grins a little too widely for my comfort.

“Okay, Dad. Don’t start getting ahead of yourself,” I laugh, wondering why on Earth I divulged this. Now, he’ll get his hopes up, and I’ll have to disappoint him all over again when I’m single years from now. “Let’s get the boat back to the marina. I’m starving.”

* * *

Kat

Trudging through the front door, I close it with more force than necessary. What a shit day. A shit day to round out a shit week. The ten-hour shift that turned into twelve alongside Dr. Silver was especially brutal.Did he see one person on his own? Both Jess and Meghan were off, and almost every patient I took care of today was one of Bobbi’s. Every time I looked at her, I could picture her touching Nick’s arm and his smooth, “Thank you, Bobbi.”Ugh! Plus, it must’ve been abscess day today because I think I drained at least six of them. I know some people really get in to the whole Dr. Pimple Popper thing, but not me!Yuck!I hate draining abscesses. No matter how much protection I wear, I live in fear of one squirting into my hair.So gross!

If that wasn’t bad enough, I had to end my shift telling this kind gentleman who was worried he had pneumonia that it appeared more likely to be lung cancer. I’m awful at delivering this kind of news because I always break down crying and feel like they’re comforting me instead of the other way around. God, I need a drink. A drink and a shower.

I drag my weary body to my bathroom and start the shower. This water is going to have to be scalding hot to guarantee I’ve washed away this day entirely. Removing my clothes, I step in and heave a deep sigh of relief. Finally, time to relax. But I could tell my shoulders were still tight, and I wasn’t getting sleepy like I did with a good hot soak in the past. I’ll get a glass of wine. If I’m not feeling more tranquil in an hour, I’ll take a sleeping pill and attempt to get a good night’s rest.

* * *

It’s now 11:30 p.m., three hours after I arrived home, and I’m still not any closer to getting any shuteye. I don’t normally have issues with falling asleep, it’s staying asleep and night terrors that’ve been my struggle. I face the music and grab my prescription sleeping aid. As I flop back on the pillow, I picture that damned text,

9:45 p.m.

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